April 21, 2012
“Worth?”… ”What is worth it?”… ”Is that person worth it?”… ”What is a person’s worth?”…
This would be easier verbally or in video. I have taken a lot of my meds, drank a bottle of wine. At the moment, I have the lowest pain level in a long time so, my finger coordination is not at its highest. But as I said, Worth. A lot of the people I care about who come here can’t understand the videos. Their worth makes me trying harder worth it! Does that make sense to you? If not, I feel for you.
I have learned over the years to value the worth of others. I guess, I don’t even put a value on it any more. The only difference is how I feel toward the person in general. I have learned to value every one at a high level. Then, let them slide up and down that scale as their actions and words dictate. In other words, if I start out treating you as my best friend and you, lie to me, betray me, treat me bad, then you slide down the scale. Not by anything I did, but what there/your actions dictate. If I treat you like my best friend, and you respond in kind, I have found a treasure beyond measure.
Anyways, today I want to ramble on about worth. Did I mention the bottle of wine? Ok here is my deal straight up. My step father determined, I had no worth when I was a baby because I was the offspring of another man. Yes, I did not get a vote. My mother had left him because of the way he treated her. She had four kids by him and yes she met some one who made her feel special…. Worth something. So after trying to make it and finding out her “knight in shining armor” wouldn’t marry her she went back to her abusive husband. My step-father then set my worth. He had interesting ways, maybe due to his feeling of worth in the world, there was a hierarchy in my childhood home. My worth or position was at the bottom, many times below the family dog.
My mother felt she had no worth because of her treatment from her husband and then her own kids, my step-siblings from hell. They have nothing to do with me…I guess they think I still don’t have worth. More on them later.
I lived my life with the question of worth. One day I formed my view of it. My own scale. I couldn’t live my life based on how others viewed my worth, I had found my worth.
First, my worth came from my mother using me against my step siblings and as leverage against both my step-father and my real father. I was used as a bargaining chip. My step-siblings determined my worth in their own way…some beat me, some used me to satisfy their sexual needs, and one in particular hurt me, to help the feelings of hurt in her own fractured existence. Secondly, I wont even begin to describe the lowness of the worth I felt in the first grade. That day I was pulled from class, I still remember so clear. I was told to take off all my clothes in front of a few teachers and the principle of the school, in what seemed to be to me a rather open and large room. They wanted to check my bruised body, they asked me questions I knew better than answer, it was not the first by far time I had been told to remove my clothes for an adult. I have had adult hands there before…they were kind..I was scared…I knew my worth.
(XXX forgive the edit here but there are things I still at my age I do not wish to convey publicly…worth?? XXX)
Skip forward, I dated. Males.. I wont bore you with my teen years. Like all confused teens they were filled with questions of worth…and confusion.
In the military I dated. It was not long before older men who valued some one to raise their own sense of worth found me. I became the prize of my Sargent who I think really did love me, but in his eyes I again found my worth. Funny even when Sargent’s fought each other for my body, to claim me , I did not find any worth. I was just me. Me. Worth.
I moved assignments. I found young guys my age and I was torn. Their beauty was more than I could stand, my need so deep. I tried to form attachments, closeness. It was hard. I will skip the few encounters that were hopes and dreams, but were only a means to an end by those who I could have adored and been deeply in love with.
I met a young man, we were the same age. I grew up in the country, alone. He was a city kid, to my eyes cute beyond understanding. He was social and seemed to make friends with everyone. We started a relationship. I was in love. He was loving the attention, sex, extra money I had, my worth. He would have sex with girls ever few months to remind himself that I was a means to an end….worth. I loved him so. I got him out of a court marshal using my good name..( wont tell ) and left the service for him. Only to find out he was living with a much older man, and he only used me….my worth! And that was the key I needed. Me…worth…me ….worth.
I wont drag this out, after all I am now almost 50 years old and the story gets very boring in parts. But one day I met someone who really did see my worth. Long before I did, he saw my worth. Yes it was Ron. He took me on an adventure we have not finished yet, but some where along the way I found my worth. I am worthy. Yes, I have faults, but I have great worth regardless.
That allowed me to find the worth of others, once I accepted I had value, I understood the value of others. A few times at work ,when I was new someone would start to tell me their opinion of some one, a co-worker. I’d stop them. Let me make my own assessment. If that upsets them …let it. I no longer need others to tell me my worth, and I will not allow others to set the worth I hold some one in.
I treat everyone like my best friend. Yes I get hurt some times. That is OK. I know my worth, I am worthy. I wont let anyone change that. Also and very important….others are worthy. I wont let anyone change that! You have worth. Yes everyone of you do!
Which brings me to my point. Some people don’t see the worth of others, and saddest , some people don’t see their own worth. That is why our young children are killing themselves, they don’t see their own worth. No one tells them and they have not lived long enough to see it for themselves.
I get letters from people, who have problems, who don’t see their own worth. I respond to all of them, I love them. Many don’t understand why. But because of who I was, who I am, I can see the worth of them , that maybe they don’t see. It is also why I get so angry at those who discount the worth of others. That is why I hate a disposable society. Why I don’t throw people away.
Today I spent about five hours on Skype ( call me I love to Skype ) with a guy I really admire. He is smart, funny, and has a lot to offer anyone who would welcome him into their life. Yet some times I think he doesn’t see his own worth. Year of being told he is worthless, he has trouble seeing his own worth. Yet I have seen so much I admire and to tell you the truth, my son is also taken with him. He is a grand guy and has worth!
So do me the favor of giving people the benefit of the doubt next time you meet them. Try to look past labels and see the person. Give them the worth they deserve. Remember your own life, and mine….it could be me or you. Don’t let others make your mind up for you. Learn to look at people and see them, not labels.
Many hugs and loves.
Hello again. I am posting this because I wanted to show how a willingness to treat the offence and offender with compassion, understanding and to seek help that was not judgmental has great success. I can’t verify the figures in this nor the role different things play in taking one down the path to being an offender. Again my feeling is that kids will act out what they see or experience, and a lot of times the trauma is the reaction of the adults. That left more scars on me than the sexual abuse in my life. I can say that it leaves different marks on kids. In my case I became sexual frustrated and confused. I desired the sex because I associated it with pleasure and with being accepted and loved…seemed the only time I could make the older people in my life happy with me…but it left me unable to find a connection with kids my own age. I had girls that wanted to date me, and I was gay, but looking back I realized I simply did not know what to do so I ignored them. I did not know how to approach a boy so I simply never did. I never had consensual adult to adult sex until I was 19 and then it was with an older guy who basically treated me like I was a child again. My first big love / dating was with my Sargent in the army, much older than me and in charge of me…it seemed normal to me. He loved me and I was little and very naive and while I did not love him in the way he loved me I was conditioned to do as he said. He made all the decisions, all the plans, said what we would do and when. I did look up to him, he was big and brave and skilled and seemed able to do everything. After I left the military I did not even think to date or have contact with other people in that way…I just suffered with my desires. Then one day the universe smiled at me and brought Ron and I together. It was then that my healing started and I learned about real love, equal partnership, shared intimacy.
Sorry I did not mean to share so much as I did above. It started as a way to show what I was trying to say and became its own post. I find that these days I tend to get side tracked off into areas of my life that I have kept submerged for a very long time. It just tends to bubble up at times, with out my wanting it to. Evan said I was now in a safe enough place in my life to deal with my past. I thought I had already made peace with my self, but maybe there is a few things to work out still. I should now go back and erase all I wrote and just do the post. Hugs and loves
Hello to all grand, and the bored and the slightly off kilter who come here to share my silly, maladjusted , love of life. This blog introduces me to wonderful people all over the world. I think that is the greatest thing about the blog. One person who started commenting was Angel O’Fire. I started going to her blog and reading what she was willing to share. A lot of what she has to say resonates with me. When I need support for a hard time in my life, she wrote me wonderful supportive letters.
Her post today was Grand. No other way to describe it. I loved it. I have tried to do and say the same thing with less results and clarity than she manages to do it. I recommend we all go over to her site and read the post.
She is right, if we let them affect us to that point we become unable to effectively refute them. If we let them make us crazy they win. Hugs