Scotties Toy Box

August 10, 2012

Me

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 13:58

Hello all you grand people….grand people.   I have spent a lot of time this week thinking of me, my mind set and my attitudes to things, to stimuli.   What makes me who and what I am most of you know.  A history of childhood physical and sexual abuse.  Even though I wont agree it has a current effect on me, even though I have gone through the stages of denial, acceptance with conditions, and bargaining with my self over it all, I have been through the nightmares, the needs for security and others.   But one need stands out and seems to have made me what I am today.

It seems I have a need, yes need it what I would call it, a need to please people, to make others happy.  I don’t understand it really.  I seem to have no ability to hold on to hostility, even if I get angry ( and I do as I am human ) I can’t hold on to it, can’t hold a grudge.  I am often asked why I can be friendly and even very nice to someone who may have a short while ago stabbed me in the back or hurt me in some way.   It simply is not something I can do.   I have some where lost a lot of the ability to be hostile.   It seems that people who had the childhood I did develop this need to make others happy, to please others, to see that they are pleased.   That is what makes me so god with the PT’s in my unit, so willing to work harder than others to see the nurses made happy, to comfort families and to assist the doctors.  As I age this need seems to get bigger and more pronounced.

I like the development of my character and my feelings.   I like the peace I have found in my life.  The balance I have found.   I love that I am so close to Ron, that our love is so deep and feels so exciting.   To feel him next to me at night, to see him across the room during the day, to walk with him.   He gives me strength, peace, passion, love, desire, and wonder.    I love that I am so comfortable now with James, with having him in the house, with the love he gives me as his “dad”.   When James first moved in, it was hard on us both…one day as I was holed up in my room he came to ask me “if he was really, truly part of our family”  I answered truthfully and forcefully “YES”!   But still James and I are very alike in many things and it took a while for us to both adjust.

I love that things that use to bother me seem to have lost their importance, and my annoyances are much less.      also it seems my needs are much less than ever before.   I am happier than I have ever been, and even though ill, I feel easier.   I am sure the wonderful Angel understands what I am saying and could explain it better than I, also my smart brother friend Randy also could put it in words that make more sense than mine.

Good wonder wishes to everyone…..hugs for all.

 

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Update… One thing I forgot to mention…I do have one thing that upsets me greatly…when some is up set with me or angry with me….it is hard for me to deal with and makes me want to try even harder to ‘do the right” thing, to make everyone happy again..to make the anger go away…..

1 Comment »

  1. Scottie,
    Your words make perfect sense, you have found peace, to be yourself, you have found a place within you that is where you feel you belong, I am so very proud of all you have done and continue to do to help those PT’s at work who are feeling so lost alone and clinical.
    To not have that ability to hold a grudge or stay mad with someone is a gift……..it is part of who you are, and that part is simply ‘beautiful’………never change.
    Your childhood was one that sucked I do admit this, and empathize with the night terrors, and the feelings of needing to be loved, trying so hard to be loved, and accepted by those who gave me this gift of life…….that gift none of us ask for, yet are expected to be happy we were given………
    Your want to help people to make them feel happy………..is an inspiration…………your strength your will to say things as you see them, to fight for what you believe in, to keep going each and every day………..is amazing…….
    In short my dear friend………you are one amazing man, a fantastic dad………and a loyal, loving and caring partner………..Love ya to bits (((hugs)))
    Angel

    Thank you Angel. It is hard for me to see my self as others may see me. Yet I can see inside my self, and I like who I find in there when I look. Much loves and hugs for you.

    Comment by Angel O'Fire — August 10, 2012 @ 15:23


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