Scotties Toy Box

September 8, 2012

Thankful for my Son James and my lover Ron

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 22:58

Tonight I had to do something I do not like to do, or more to the point , was asked to to do something that really bothers me.   But I have to give such Gracie and thanks to my Son James and my lover Ron.

I have always had trouble with being in social situations with groups of people’s, unless it is an event I plan and in a place that I can control and be comfortable.  My director often has social events at her home and I have never attended.  My director recently mentioned it to me that I have not attended.

I decided to do what I could to attend.  All day my supervisor texted me and gave me written support.   My director told me if I felt I couldn’t do it she would under stand if I had to not come.

I made it but was having anxiety at a high level.  James and Ron took me there.  My director and all the management staff made a point to make my time at the party as well as possible. I was like a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs.  I was with people I like, and enjoy being with, but in a strange home and it was very unsettling.

Everyone was great, but the longer I was there, the more upset I got, the more my heart raced.  My blood pressure was way up.   I have to give my supervisor Karen lots of love, she made sure I had food to eat and soda to drink.  Sandra, my director was so kind to me, and so was all the management staff.    After several hours there I was starting to get into big trouble.  My heart was racing, I was so uncomfortable and wanted just to leave.   But Ron was in his element and having such fun, and every one loved James…I just couldn’t just ask them to leave…even if I had to struggle to stay longer.

But what I did not know..and the real reason for the this post…I am so lucky and my life is really great.  Tonight James and Ron kept a watch one me, taking turns to make sure I was OK.   Every time  I felt in trouble James was there  to make it OK…When people crowded around me, James kept watch to make sure I was doing alright.  Ron kept getting me food or soda as I wanted, but after eating, as I felt more threatened I lost the ability to drink…I kept moving farther a way from  people and trying to keep it together, and failing.

So what I did not know is this…as I was struggling, James has decided it was time to get me out of there…and Ron came to sit beside me as he noticed I had gotten very pale.

So I am lucky, I am a bunny who has problems, and is having nightmares and stuff to deal with.  But I am not dealing with them alone.  Not only do I have Ron to hold me and protect me, but now I have James, who is my son and a young man I am very proud of, who has taken it on himself to also look after me and protect me.  James is bigger than me, and stronger and if I felt threatened, I am sure he could physically protect me.  That gives me a great sense of security and a feeling of both being loved and not so scared.    I am worried I should never have to put him into that situation, and I wont ever ask him to, but it is nice to know tonight when I was starting to get past where I could handle it, there was my son to lean on , and who was looking out for his dad.

So I went to the party, everyone was grand, I did as much as I could, and then Ron and James brought me home.   Home is where I am comfortable and happy…with my family.   Many Hugs

 

3 Comments »

  1. Your posting really moved me.I never realized the trouble you have in going to other homes.I am glad that you made the attempt and many thanks to James and Ron. At times you have to have some tough love with love support. I know that you have been through so much but I am so glad to see that you are finally let the rest of us in to see your turmoil. You are starting to feel comfortable with showing your weak side and realize that many of us still love you and love o return the loving support you have given us. Hugs

    Hello Patty, sadly I still hate to have others see my pain…..but Ron and I so love they dream catcher you made….Ron has never had such good and happy dreams as he is now. Thanks Patty your a grand person. Hugs

    Comment by Patty — September 8, 2012 @ 23:07

  2. Scottie, I totally relate to your post, as much as people assume I am a social butterfly I am actually the opposite, I avoid situations such as the one you found yourself in, like they are typhoid, I am shy, despite my outwardly outspoken nature, I am also not comfortable being in strange places, even when it’s with people I know and am around often, I would rather be the wall flower, or not there at all, however as the draw of the card’s have been, I have faked it so often over the years just to make it past the anxiety, panic and overall discomfort of social gatherings that people see a different side to this Angel, they see the light of the party, the girl who can make or break a room full of people’s entire evening, this is something that they call a talent, to me it is a curse, when inside my heart feels like it is about to literally burst out of my body, and I can feel the world spinning completely out of my control. But as they say when in Rome, blah blah, wish someone would tell them I aint been to Rome, and have no intention of going there ;).
    I am however very proud of you for going and facing your fear, for staying and socialising for as long as you did, you should be patting your back, this my friend was not only hard, a struggle and very bloody uncomfortable it was something that you have had a sense of impending doom about and you faced it head on. Well done to Ron and James, its funny how those who love us simply just know regardless of the situation they have this inbuilt sensor that tells them if we are ok, or if we are struggling. ((hugs)) cheers to a job well bloody done by all 3 of you

    Thanks Angel. Many hugs

    Comment by Angel O'Fire — September 9, 2012 @ 02:17

  3. I am quite impressed, not only with Ron and James, but how your co-workers are making every effort and trying so hard to make sure you are included and also comfortable. To go through this much effort shows how much they value you and also care about your well-being. I know they appreciated your effort and probably appreciate it even more seeing how hard this was for you. I found it interesting you said that you worried that you shouldn’t have put James in that situation. You didn’t put him anywhere – he is in that situation and that is a good thing. For James, you are now his father and he is your son. With that comes attachment and caring. If my father had such difficulties and I could help there would be no hesitation or second thoughts. And it isn’t a sense of repaying or obligation either – it is love. He loves you and if something he can do will help you, of course he will do so. And now you have a lovely family that now numbers three.

    Another issue. It appears you made some change to your theme today and, at least on my computer, there is a black background or overlay that blocks any part of your posts on the right hand side of the screen, which ends up obscuring large sections of your written posts. This also covers over the comment links. This issue extends to the permalinks for the posts you made today as well (but not the permalinks for posts before today). Have you heard if any other readers are experiencing this?

    Hugs,
    Evan

    Hello Evan…sorry to say I did not notice until after two hours of work….the black bar you saw…came from Randy’s site…no matter which format I changed too, it still showed up , until I went to that post and broke the like between my page and his…now I am not a guy who deals with change easily and I liked my format…but I can’t remember it ….so now I will keep trying until I find another one I like as well….see I am a minimalist…but I like things wide, clear, and simple…thanks and hugs

    Comment by Evan — September 9, 2012 @ 16:39


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