Tonight my son and my lover and I talked for several hours. Now my son and Ron, my love of life, are playing a very simply game console to teach Ron the controls. What means the world to me is the love we have in the room. Both myself and James have been affected by our childhoods and our life.
But it is grand to me we are all here , safe and happy, talking about our lives, and James reaffirming he wants to be our son. Make no mistake I am so very proud of him it some times takes my breath away.
For most of my life I never wanted children, often saying they were a pain in the butt and much worse. When I first met James in 2004 there was something about him that instantly drew him to me. Made him important to me.
Well as I tried to interact with this young tortured boy, not knowing all he was going through, I tried to get him library books and birthday gifts and anything else he needed or should have.
I had to be careful not to cross the legal line…I was not worried about the idea I was in this to abuse a little boy sexually , with my history that was the just the opposite, I was so scared he was being hurt I cried many nights over him.
Tonight my family is complete. Not my birth family who hurt me and now wants nothing to do with me, but the the very real important family I have.
I love Ron more than my own life! I love James more than my own life! I am so happy with my new family. It really is all I ever wanted. I try hard not to tell James how much I love him because I don’t want to embarrassed him.
Now for those out there in the “I hate you and think your doing something wrong world” Understand this. I knew this boy when he was very young and impressionable …..when we first met he asked me into his home when his parent was not even around. He had left his clothing at my RV because he changed from his his school uniform into swimming trunks.
If I had meant harm to this wonderful boy / man I could have done so…But most of all my heart was heavy with the thoughts of the abuse he was really suffering and it was much worse in my mind.
I made a point to be always available to him, I took him to the library which his own mother and step father reused him…Always I walked a thin line…doing what I could for him with out being charged with “parental interference”. It was not always easy and often I either raged or cried for him.
But that is in the past. Today I have a son I think is grand! He works two jobs, and even goes to college which was what I really wanted for him… I hope some day he will take our last name as the final step.
I couldn’t be prouder of this young man. He has achieved what he has out of his own work and sweat. While we gladly give him a home ( remember he is our son ) the hard work has been his own…He goes to classes and gets great marks, gets him self to work and deals with is two jobs.
I have often offered to do his laundry to try to take the stress off him for doing it, but most times he feels he should not push it off on dad. Gods I don’t know how to say how proud of that young man I am.
When I was in the cardiac decision unit while they looked into my suspected heart attack, James brought me a pizza ..why would he do that you might ask…because he knew his dad loved them and asked for one in the E.R. Maybe misguided…but full of love.
Not to say we have not got our stresses, but in the end it doesn’t matter. It has been many years since I have been interested in putting out Christmas decorations, and doing a tree in the house. But this year I am excited. I may not have much money for gifts, yet there will be lights and music and most important….MY SON will be with us for that special day.
I can’t make James life perfect, but I would if I could…Heck I can’t even fix my own..LOL
But the fact is I love him, he is my son, and would do anything for him. Years ago a man I respected but did not know much about accused me of loving James just so I could have sex with him…I almost puked. I have lived that life and wouldn’t ever do that to another boy.
Turned out that man wanted sex with me and thought by using James, the idea of a threat to him it was an opening and the man thought I would jump at the chance for sex with him…I did NOT.
James may be hard for me to figure out some times but I would like to make something very clear….I think of him as my son! To me he has had a very hard childhood and “Hard row to hoe” but you can’t understand how much he has risen above that childhood until you really talk to him. He continues to amaze me with his talents and his mental gifts. He is great with tech stuff, a wonderful people person who can deal with a verity of customers, well liked and respected for what he does. Some of the people he deals with would not only strain my patients, But make me lose it altogether.
So my Son is some one I greatly respect, admire, and hope I am good influence on. Next to Ron he is the most important person in my life. I may never understand all he goes through in his life, But I will always be there for him if he needs me. HE IS MY SON!