I had planned to do my email today, and get to the many blogs I need , really want to see. But I had my allergy shots today, and then ( very sadly ) an angry moment with Ron ..something that upsets me totally and the passion we have can be explosive. Either we are so much feeling loving feelings toward to each other we can make those around us stunned, or we can be so angry with each other that others around us are stunned. Sounds like it makes no sense and is at odds with each other….but it is part of our passion. Simply said we really do love each other, and want to be with each other and give our lives for and to each other…but with such emotion that it is like either a soothing balm, or fuel for a big angry fire.
This morning we started out in the loving part. Had anyone tried to war with either of us the other would have given his life in response to strike down the offender. I have been in so much pain in the last six months that I can’t even drive…yes I can go to the store right down the street, but the van seats ( a top of the line one ) hurt me so bad I can’t drive my self any distance with out agony. So Ron has been driving me around any where I need to go and waiting for me to finish what I needed to get done.
Do Ron and I love each more than we love our self, yes, but we are still human people, and we each have our own needs. Before going for my shots, I couldn’t even bend over, and lowering my self to sit was so very painful. In the morning I had tried to talk to James, But James has his own demons and mornings is not his strong area. He gets up cranky and unhappy. I love him but it is hard for me to deal with. But I tired..so his morning style rubbed me wrong.
Then we went for my shots, and the ride there and back tore me up. Plus two painful shots in to each arm.
Then we get home…I am having a cold attack, and I can’t ask the guys to raise the heat, they live here and remember Ron has M.S. and heat makes it worse…I can’t take cold..so I asked Ron for the electric radiator we have and he makes it clear he doesn’t want to use it due to cost…strike one.
Ron was cleaning the shed, and I noticed my very nice fancy bike is out and think…he maybe James would like to use it…I think it is better than his as I bought it with extra shocks and an upgraded seat. Yet when I mentioned it to him he blew me off and told me he had one…and thinks his with out my fancy stuff is better. My feelings were hurt and that made strike 2.
I was in the bedroom and went out to see Ron and he was gone. He went to the store. I had wanted to go to the store today and had mentioned it in passing. He missed that….I was stuck at home, he was gone, and I started to see red. I texted him and he did not answer. Strike three and game over.
Ron has always managed our money. For most of our time together he has managed to make our money grow, but he also has a need to move and change things and so as soon as it grew, we bought a different house or such…not great or long time growth.
But lately with the added expense of the other house, and the new car, and simply things going up in price and the cost of living…Ron has restricted my discretionary spending and we have quit going out to eat. He said during my wait on my shots, ” oh I was going to have us go out to breakfast but forgot my wallet” . I mentioned I had mine and the same cards..and he said no. Then on our way home he realized his mistake and said “hey where do you want to go out to eat?” But it was too late…first impressions. I told him take me home.
So with all that, when he got back from the store…we had words. He got angry and I got even angrier. A tip…I don’t get angry often, but after a day of hurts, and thinking all the bad things that happened over 22 years, when I do get angry…it is a very good idea not to push me…because I don’t deal with things smartly, I blow and will go to extremes and not , never back down.
After we started to argue I laid on the bed. He wanted to keep talking, to tell me how he felt, how he thought I was wrong about everything….I reached a point that I could explode .I said with a lot of anger, menace, and quietly..”get out of this room”.. he felt he still had room to argue..until I replied….”get out of this room now, please, before I get back out of this bed….” Knowing how unreasonable I can get…Ron left the room.
So we have not spoken all afternoon. He is out in the living room. I am now in the bedroom. I have calmed down, stopped all the …what if I lived alone and with out all this baggage stuff…You know the kind of stuff we think when mad…I could live in the other house…I could pay for just what I want…I have my own life and job….
Truth is when the anger fades I realize what he does…our lives are better together. We often turn down doing things with others, just because we want to be together. As much as it seems we could live with out each other…we really do want to be together, to share, to depend on each other.. we some how have become one. To think we could spend a week apart is a bad dream, we have had to be apart due to job needs, and Ron quit those jobs, he couldn’t be apart from me, and I turned down jobs because I DON’T want to be away from him. That doesn’t mean we wont get on each others bad sides.
Something that did make me feel good, James tried to explain to me the difference between what I had done for him, the way I felt for him and what his mother and step father had done. He paid me a grand compliment. I told him I felt they wanted “power” over him. I don’t want “power” over my son. I want what is best for him. I love that “little brat”, I may not like his morning moods, but I really love him. I want him to have what I did not. If he loves me, that is the grandest thing, but I can’t force it, I can’t demand it. He has to give it. I never want demand he love me. I never want to be the parent to him , that I had. I may some times may have to say or do things he wont like, or insist on something I think is right. That is my job, using the best knowledge I can have to do the best for him I can. I would love to be his friend, but in the end, I am his new dad, my job is to be dad, to look out for him, to do the very dang best for him I can…not a thing some one who hears the word no likes, but to me being his dad, it is the greatest job I could ever have. And he hates my grammar and sentence structure in my writing. I am happy that is his worse complaint. No really, I do worry about him, and he is young and doesn’t see it. I am trying to make sure he has a Christmas he has not had in his childhood. I told Ron to forget the many things I have wanted and to make sure we have gifts for the boy. I was so upset when I thought someone had attacked him, and so relieved when I found out it was only the car that was damaged. I know he is really smart, has a lot on the ball, and in many ways doesn’t need me, but I can and will always care about him, and be the best dad I can. And I will always be there for him.
It is never about power over him or control, but wanting to give him the best chance to grow that I can. To be the safe place he can come to…to be the family he may need and may have never had. I wont judge him or condemn him even if he doesn’t think or do as I would, instead I will give what strength I can to help him find the path right for him to walk. He is my son and I am proud of him…yet he sure can be grumpy in the mornings.
Ron is up…I can hear him moving around..time to go see if he has found his center of love also….many hugs