Scotties Toy Box

October 10, 2012

Best laid plans..I am very sorry.

Filed under: My Life and Rants, News — Scottie @ 17:46

I had planned to do my email today, and get to the many blogs I need , really want to  see.   But I had my allergy shots today, and then ( very sadly ) an angry moment with Ron ..something that upsets me totally and the passion we have can be explosive.  Either we are so much feeling loving feelings toward to each other we can make those around us stunned, or we can be so angry with each other that others around us are stunned.   Sounds like it makes no sense and is at odds with each other….but it is part of our passion.   Simply said we really do love each other, and want to be with each other and give our lives for and to each other…but with such emotion that it is like either a soothing balm, or fuel for a big angry fire.

This morning we started out in the loving part.  Had anyone tried to war with either of us the other would have given his life in response to strike down the offender.  I have been in so much pain in the last six months that I can’t even drive…yes I can go to the store right down the street, but the van seats ( a top of the line one ) hurt me so bad I can’t drive my self any distance with out agony.   So Ron has been driving me around any where I need to go and waiting for me to finish what I needed to get done.

Do Ron and I love each more than we love our self, yes, but we are still human people, and we each have our own needs.   Before going for my shots, I couldn’t even bend over, and lowering my self to sit was so very painful.       In the morning I had tried to talk to James, But James has his own demons and mornings is not his strong area.  He gets up cranky and unhappy.   I love him but it is hard for me to deal with.  But I tired..so his morning style rubbed me wrong.

Then we went for my shots, and the ride there and back tore me up.   Plus two painful shots in to each arm.

Then we get home…I am having a cold attack, and I can’t ask the guys to raise the heat, they live here and remember Ron has M.S. and heat makes it worse…I can’t take cold..so I asked Ron for the electric radiator we have and he makes it clear he doesn’t want to use it due to cost…strike one.

Ron was cleaning the shed, and I noticed my very nice fancy bike is out and think…he maybe James would like to use it…I think it is better than his as I bought it with extra shocks and an upgraded seat.  Yet when I mentioned it to him he blew me off and told me he had one…and thinks his with out my fancy stuff is better.   My feelings were hurt and that made strike 2.

I was in the bedroom and went out to see Ron and he was gone.  He went to the store.  I had wanted to go to the store today and had mentioned it in passing.  He missed that….I was stuck at home, he was gone, and I started to see red.   I texted him and he did not answer.  Strike three and game over.

Ron has always managed our money.   For most of our time together he has managed to make our money grow, but he also has a need to move and change things and so as soon as it grew, we bought a different house or such…not great or long time growth.

But lately with the added expense of the other house, and the new car, and simply things going up in price and the cost of living…Ron has restricted my discretionary spending and we have quit going out to eat.  He said during my wait on my shots, ” oh I was going to have us go out to breakfast but forgot my wallet” .  I mentioned I had mine and the same cards..and he said no.   Then on our way home he realized his mistake and said “hey where do you want to go out to eat?”   But it was too late…first impressions.  I told him take me home.

So with all that, when he got back from the store…we had words.  He got angry and I got even angrier.   A tip…I don’t get angry often, but after a day of hurts, and thinking all the bad things that happened over 22 years, when I do get angry…it is a very good idea not to push me…because I don’t deal with things smartly, I blow and will go to extremes and not , never back down.

After we started to argue I laid on the bed.  He wanted to keep talking, to tell me how he felt, how he thought I was wrong about everything….I reached a point that I could explode .I said with a lot of anger, menace, and quietly..”get out of this room”.. he felt he still had room to argue..until I replied….”get out of this room now, please, before I get back out of this bed….”  Knowing how unreasonable I can get…Ron left the room.

So we have not spoken all afternoon.  He is out in the living room.  I am now in the bedroom.  I have calmed down, stopped all the …what if I lived alone and with out all this baggage stuff…You know the kind of stuff we think when mad…I could live in the other house…I could pay for just what I want…I have my own life and job….

Truth is when the anger fades I realize what he does…our lives are better together.  We often turn down doing things with others, just because we want to be together.  As much as it seems we could live with out each other…we really do want to be together, to share, to depend on each other.. we some how have become one.  To think we could spend a week apart is a bad dream, we have had to be apart due to job needs, and Ron quit those jobs, he couldn’t be apart from me, and I turned down jobs because I DON’T want to be away from him.   That doesn’t mean we wont get on each others bad sides.

Something that did make me feel good, James tried to explain to me the difference between what I had done for him, the way I felt for him and what his mother and step father had done.  He paid me a grand compliment.  I told him I felt they wanted “power” over him.  I don’t want “power” over my son.  I want what is best for him.  I love that “little brat”, I may not like his morning moods, but I really love him.  I want him to have what I did not.  If he loves me, that is the grandest thing, but I can’t force it, I can’t demand it.  He has to give it.   I never want demand he love me.  I never want to be the parent to him , that I had.  I may some times may have to say or do things he wont like, or insist on something I think is right.  That is my job, using the best knowledge I can have to do the best for him I can.  I would love to be his friend, but in the end, I am his new dad, my job is to be dad, to look out for him, to do the very dang best for him I can…not a thing some one who hears the word no likes, but to me being his dad, it is the greatest job I could ever have.   And he hates my grammar and sentence structure in my writing.  I am happy that is his worse complaint.  No really, I do worry about him, and he is young and doesn’t see it.  I am trying to make sure he has a Christmas he has not had in his childhood.  I told Ron to forget the many things I have wanted and to make sure we have gifts for the boy.  I was so upset when I thought someone had attacked him, and so relieved when I found out it was only the car that was damaged.  I know he is really smart, has a lot on the ball, and in many ways doesn’t need me, but I can and will always care about him, and be the best dad I can.   And I will always be there for him.

It is never about power over him or control, but wanting to give him the best chance to grow that I can.  To be the safe place he can come to…to be the family he may need and may have never had.   I wont judge him or condemn him even if he doesn’t think or do as I would, instead I will give what strength I can to help him find the path right for him to walk.     He is my son and I am proud of him…yet he sure can be grumpy in the mornings.

Ron is up…I can hear him moving around..time to go see if he has found his center of love also….many hugs

 

3 Comments »

  1. I think it’s safe to say that we all are guilty of letting things (little things) build up to the point that when we find ourselves in this situation we let it all out, we all say things in anger and pure temper that we find later on we wish we had worded differently or perhaps not said at all, yet done is done, and said is said, we can’t take back those words that we spat out with such venom, all we can do is move on from them sometimes we move on from these fights and arguments with more clarity, because all that we have been holding inside of us is no longer inside left to fester up as it does, like a huge pimple right before it gets that head, and explodes.
    Holding in our pain both emotionally and physically defiantly takes its toll on us, and like that big pimple it grows into a head, however before reaching the point of exploding (which incidentally does give us this form of relief) we don’t realise that the toxic within this festering bulge of poison is becoming toxic through out our bodies, and souls, its not until we have finally let it out that we see that life as it is we wouldn’t have any other way, but our concious tends to do this whole guilt trip thing on us, as we are left to feel the raw emotion of guilt for spitting out the way we feel, and sorry for how we have acted.
    Honey, you are but mortal, and both James and Ron know this, as they too are mortal which is why they know and understand that you fly off into a rage and how to deal with things once you have stopped being level headed and seeing clearly, as Ron knew to leave the room and let you breathe rather than get the last word in.
    Big ((hugs)) your not the worst person on the face of the earth for having an episode like this, nor will you be the worst the next time things flare up to that all time explosive I have had enough, fuck this rage, pain does some pretty fucked up things to us, emotionally and physically, never forget you have your family around you who love you unconditionally, although at times this pain is becoming one that your finding hard to give into, knowing that you are at a point where you can no longer mask it, which on it’s own is driving you stir crazy.
    In the eyes of Ron and James you are always going to be superman, just right now your condition is what kyrptonite is to Clarke Kent,
    Love and hugs always
    Angel

    Hello and thank you Angel. Your words have strength. Passion runs both hot, and cold, and love is hot no matter which side it flows…our love is secure, and yes we are human so we occasionally hurt each other..and I am as guilty as any other human. But it is a connection that can be stretched, stressed, and yet we feed it, heal it, keep it well and strong so it will never break. Thanks your caring helps. Hugs

    Comment by Angel O'Fire — October 10, 2012 @ 19:41

  2. Hello My Wonderful Friend;
    There is a commercial here on the radio in which one of the lines is “…and you realize that it just isn’t about you anymore”. There’s a strange dualism of that phrase; for me, I go where I want, when I want – apart from figuring out what to do with Gracie, and my money and my bills are my own. But, again besides Gracie, no one welcomes me home. No one hugs me and keeps me warm. No one’s eyes sparkle when they see me. No one holds my hand when I’ve had such very rough days and tells me they love me.
    I don’t know if I will ever be so blessed as you and Ron, to have eachother. I’m jealous. But, I also don’t know if I could ever share my life, share my self, with someone as do you and Ron. It takes very special people to be together for so long. I am so glad you are able to be angry and happy, as well as loving with eachother.
    May your passion live forever.
    hugs

    Hello Randy…see what I wrote to Angel in her comment. Yes you will find someone…when it is right for you and hopefully for them. it is hard. The first few years Ron and I were really just getting to know and understand each other, even thought we loved each other and wanted to be together…we still needed to learn about each other….

    You have many grand and exciting things to offer anyone one, and they you, but they will bring their emotions, their histories, and their own problems and issues…and that is grand…because it gives two people a place to start, reaching out to help each other, to assist where one is weak, to find the strength to take the hurt and pain of another or from another into your self and turn it to something so positive and powerful as love.

    Don’t sell your self short, the world needs many more like you Randy, and those you will find to love. Hugs

    Comment by randy — October 10, 2012 @ 21:37

  3. Hi Scottie;
    Another thing ocurred to me today while I was at work; it is healthy to disagree, to fight, to argue, to even feel hurt and voice that with one’s significants. Why? Well, how often do you allow strangers to see your anger, hurt, or even argue with them. We are only free to fight with those we love because in the end we know they love us. I must admit, I have very few arguments in my home – ok, now and again I disagree with Gracie about her share of the blanket…..

    hugs!

    Oh Dude..Randy on the blanket…you lost…sorry…but they always win. and thanks for the insights, James told me this morning that people he knew who read my blog ( like I knew he even knew anyone who would care about my little old blog ) were giving him heck for being grumpy to me…..hey it is natural…he is young and I am dad…Hugs.

    Comment by randy — October 11, 2012 @ 18:48


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