Scotties Toy Box

April 21, 2012

know them now

Filed under: Cartoons — Scottie @ 21:35

Stone Soup


Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 18:46

“Worth?”…  “What is worth it?”…  “Is that person worth it?”…  “What is a person’s worth?”…

This would be easier verbally or in video. I have taken a lot of my meds, drank a bottle of wine. At the moment, I have the lowest pain level in a long time so, my finger coordination is not at its highest.  But as I said, Worth.  A lot of the people I care about who come here can’t understand the videos.  Their worth makes me trying harder worth it!   Does that make sense to you?  If not, I feel for you.

I have learned over the years to value the worth of others.  I guess, I don’t even put a value on it any more.  The only difference is how I feel toward the person in general.   I have learned to value every one at a high level. Then, let them slide up and down that scale as their actions and words dictate.  In other words, if I start out treating you as my best friend and you, lie to me, betray me, treat me bad, then you slide down the scale.  Not by anything I did, but what there/your actions dictate.  If I treat you like my best friend, and you respond in kind, I have found a treasure beyond measure.

Anyways, today I want to ramble on about worth.   Did I mention the bottle of wine?  Ok here is my deal straight up.  My step father determined, I had no worth when I was a baby because I was the offspring of another man.   Yes, I did not get a vote.  My mother had left him because of the way he treated her. She had four kids by him and yes she met some one who made her feel special…. Worth something.   So after trying to make it and finding out her “knight in shining armor” wouldn’t marry her she went back to her abusive husband. My step-father then set my worth.  He had interesting ways, maybe due to his feeling of worth in the world, there was a hierarchy in my childhood home. My worth or position was at the bottom, many times below the family dog.


My mother felt she had no worth because of her treatment from her husband and then her own kids, my step-siblings from hell.  They have nothing to do with me…I guess they think I still don’t have worth.   More on them later.

I lived my life with the question of worth.  One day I formed my view of it.  My own scale.  I couldn’t live my life based on how others viewed my worth, I had found my worth.

First, my worth came from my mother using me against my step siblings and as leverage against both my step-father and my real father.  I was used as a bargaining chip.  My step-siblings determined my worth in their own way…some beat me, some used me to satisfy their sexual needs, and one in particular hurt me, to help the feelings of hurt in her own fractured existence. Secondly, I wont even begin to describe the lowness of the worth I felt in the first grade.  That day I was pulled from class, I still remember so clear.  I was told to take off all my clothes in front of a few teachers and the principle of the school, in what seemed to be to me a rather open and large room. They wanted to check my bruised body, they asked me questions I knew better than answer, it was not the first by far time I had been told to remove my clothes for an adult. I have had adult hands there before…they were kind..I was scared…I knew my worth.

(XXX forgive the edit here but there are things I still at my age I do not wish to convey  publicly…worth?? XXX)

Skip forward,  I dated.  Males..  I wont bore you with my teen years.  Like all confused teens they were filled with questions of worth…and confusion.

In the military I dated.   It was not long before older men who valued some one to raise their own sense of worth found me.  I became the prize of my Sargent who I think really did love me, but in his eyes I again found my worth.  Funny even when Sargent’s fought each other for my body, to claim me , I did not find any worth.  I was just me.  Me.  Worth.

I moved assignments.  I found young guys my age and I was torn.  Their beauty was more than I could stand, my need so deep.  I tried to form attachments, closeness.     It was hard.  I will skip the few encounters that were hopes and dreams, but were only a means to an end by those who I could have adored and been deeply in love with.

I met a young man, we were the same age.  I grew up in the country, alone.  He was a city kid, to my eyes cute beyond understanding.  He was social and seemed to make friends with everyone.  We started a relationship.   I was in love.  He was loving the attention, sex, extra money I had, my worth.   He would have sex with girls ever few months to remind himself that I was a means to an end….worth.   I loved him so.  I got him out of a court marshal using my good name..( wont tell ) and left the service for him.  Only to find out he was living with a much older man, and he only used me….my worth! And that was the key I needed.  Me…worth…me ….worth.

I wont drag this out, after all I am now almost 50 years old and the story gets very boring in parts.  But one day I met someone who really did see my worth.  Long before I did, he saw my worth.  Yes it was Ron.  He took me on an adventure we have not finished yet, but some where along the way I found my worth.  I am worthy.  Yes, I have faults, but I have great worth regardless.

That allowed me to find the worth of others, once I accepted I had value, I understood the value of others.  A few times at work ,when I was new someone would start to tell me their opinion of some one, a co-worker.  I’d stop them.  Let me make my own assessment.  If that upsets them …let it.   I no longer need others to tell me my worth, and I will not allow others to set the worth I hold some one in.

I treat everyone like my best friend.  Yes I get hurt some times.  That is OK.   I know my worth, I am worthy.  I wont let anyone change that.  Also and very important….others are worthy.  I wont let anyone change that!   You have worth.  Yes everyone of you do!

Which brings me to my point.  Some people don’t see the worth of others, and saddest , some people don’t see their own worth.  That is why our young children are killing themselves, they don’t see their own worth.  No one tells them and they  have not lived long enough to see it for themselves.

I get letters from people, who have problems, who don’t see their own worth.  I respond to all of them, I love them.  Many don’t understand why.  But because  of who I was, who I am, I can see the worth of them , that maybe they don’t see.   It is also why I get so angry at those who discount the worth of others.   That is why I hate a disposable society.  Why I don’t throw people away.

Today I spent about five hours on Skype ( call me I love to Skype ) with a guy I really admire.  He is smart, funny, and has a lot to offer anyone who would welcome him into their life.  Yet some times I think he doesn’t see his own worth.   Year of being told he is worthless, he has trouble seeing his own worth.  Yet I have seen so much I admire and to tell you the truth, my son is also taken with him.   He is a grand guy and has worth!

So do me the favor of giving people the benefit of the doubt next time you meet them.  Try to look past labels and see the person.  Give them the worth they deserve.  Remember your own life, and mine….it could be me or you.   Don’t let others make your mind up for you.  Learn to look at people and see them, not labels.

Many hugs and loves.

Not what I thought of…..LOL

Filed under: Cartoons — Scottie @ 16:44


Sex crimes by juvenile offenders are on the rise in Harris County – Houston Chronicle

Filed under: My Life and Rants, News — Scottie @ 09:52

Hello again.  I am posting this because I wanted to show how a willingness to treat the offence and offender with compassion, understanding and to seek help that was not judgmental has great success.  I can’t verify the figures in this nor the role different things play in taking one down the path to being an offender.  Again my feeling is that kids will act out what they see or experience, and a lot of times the trauma is the reaction of the adults.  That left more scars on me than the sexual abuse in my life.   I can say that it leaves different marks on kids.  In my case I became sexual frustrated and confused.  I desired the sex because I associated it with pleasure and with being accepted and loved…seemed the only time I could make the older people in my life happy with me…but it left me unable to find a connection with kids my own age.  I had girls that wanted to date me, and I was gay, but looking back I realized I simply did not know what to do so I ignored them.  I did not know how to approach a boy so I simply never did.   I never had consensual adult to adult sex until I was 19 and then it was with an older guy who basically treated me like I was a child again.  My first big love / dating was with my Sargent in the army, much older than me and in charge of me…it seemed normal to me.  He loved me and I was little and very naive and while I did not love him in the way he loved me I was conditioned to do as he said.  He made all the decisions, all the plans, said what we would do and when.  I did look up to him, he was big and brave and skilled and seemed able to do everything.  After I left the military I did not even think to date or have contact with other people in that way…I just suffered with my desires.  Then one day the universe smiled at me and brought Ron and I together.  It was then that my healing started and I learned about real love, equal partnership, shared intimacy.  

Sorry I did not mean to share so much as I did above.  It started as a way to show what I was trying to say and became its own post.  I find that these days I tend to get side tracked off into areas of my life that I have kept submerged for a very long time.   It just tends to bubble up at times, with out my wanting it to.  Evan said I was now in a safe enough place in my life to deal with my past.  I thought I had already made peace with my self, but maybe there is a few things to work out still.   I should now go back and erase all I wrote and just do the post.   Hugs and loves

Sex crimes by juvenile offenders are on the rise in Harris County – Houston Chronicle.

Sex crimes by juvenile offenders are on the rise in Harris County

Updated 11:49 p.m., Friday, April 20, 2012
  •  / HC
    / HC

Houston and Texas

Last fall, a Houston mother grew perplexed as to why her 8-year-old son was constantly crying and having trouble sleeping.

Then she received a phone call from a Houston policeman, who informed her that a surveillance camera had captured her son being sexually assaulted by two 10-year-old classmates on the school bus. The two older boys are set for a hearing on the assault in May.

Two more boys, ages 10 and 11, are also awaiting trial on accusations that they sexually assaulted an 8-year-old boy at a shelter for immigrant children in north Houston.

Similarly, six juveniles — including one middle school student — were accused of being among the 20 boys and men who gang-raped an 11-year-old girl in Cleveland in 2010. Five of those juveniles have since admitted their guilt.

In the last five years, the number of juveniles committing sexual assaults has increased 17 percent in Harris County while most other major juvenile crimes have shown significant declines, probation records show.

Reasons not clear

Sex offenses climbed from 121 to 142 during that period, while other violent juvenile crimes declined such as murder and robbery, dropping by 28 percent and 24 percent.

Terrance Windham, chief of the juvenile division of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office, is unsure what’s provoking the rise in sex offenses.

But in such a highly sexualized media world, where pornography is an Internet click away and MTV shows and music videos glamorize risky youth behaviors, Windham isn’t surprised either.

“When I was growing up, kids didn’t have the kind of access to what they do now,” he said.

Two therapists certified to treat juvenile sex offenders in Harris County, Robert McLaughlinand Ramon Alvarez, say the vast majority of the youths they treat have been exposed to pornography at an early age – sometimes as young as 7 years old.

Alvarez recalled treating one 7-year-old who was accidentally exposed to a porn star that popped up on the Internet when his mother typed in the word “Disney.”

“It stuck in his head and then he later, trying to copy it, got into trouble with wrongful touching while playing with a neighbor’s child,” Alvarez said. “These days you don’t have to seek out porn. It seeks you.”

But since most juveniles will often have some exposure to porn, McLaughlin said it’s difficult to show any clear linkage to sexual assaults because not everyone will react aggressively to it.

Yet he and Alvarez believe some youths may be more vulnerable when exposed at a very early age, before puberty when their brain is still developing.

“Those who act out sexually may have more trouble with impulse regulation or anticipating consequences. They want to experiment,” McLaughlin said.

‘Real red flag’

Harris County juvenile court judge Mike Schneider said the juvenile sex offenders who attack strangers are rare and that would be a “real red flag” of a predator type.

“Usually, the perpetrator has had a relationship with the victim, such as a cousin, sibling or friend,” he said.

The U.S. Justice Department says 36 percent of sex crimes against children are committed by other children. Five percent of all sex offenders are younger than nine, and 16 percent are younger than 12, records show.

One of the latest studies disputes the stereotype that juvenile sex offenders are like the typical young delinquent who comes from a broken home with a criminal history, poor attitude, lacking social skills and substance abuse problems.

“Rather our review of thousands of cases found juveniles who committed sex crimes were overall much less anti-social than those committing other offenses,” said Michael Seto, one of the foremost authorities on the adolescent sex offenders who coauthored the study.

Seto, with the Royal Ottawa Healthy Care Group in Canada, found the average sex offender was generally a socially isolated individual who had developed an “atypical” interest in sex (from coercion to incest), been abused sexually and exposed early to pornography.

“The single biggest surprise to me from this study was how incredibly young the first exposure was to porn. Now we’re talking about hard-core porn with fetish content and unusual stuff being exposed to elementary students,” he said, saying more research is needed into the role porn plays.

The good news, according to therapists, is that early intervention is very effective with children.

After treatment, the recidivism rate averages 14 percent nationally for adolescent sex offenders compared to 40 percent for similar adult offenders.

Angel O’Fire wrote a post I love

Filed under: Web sites I like — Scottie @ 08:56

Hello to all grand, and the bored and the slightly off kilter who come here to share my silly, maladjusted , love of life.   This blog introduces me to wonderful people all over the world.  I think that is the greatest thing about the blog.  One person who started commenting was Angel O’Fire.  I started going to her blog and reading what she was willing to share.  A lot of what she has to say resonates with me.   When I need support for a hard time in my life, she wrote me wonderful supportive letters.

Her post today was Grand.  No other way to describe it.  I loved it.  I have tried to do and say the same thing with less results and clarity than she manages to do it.  I recommend we all go over to her site and read the post.

She is right, if we let them affect us to that point we become unable to effectively refute them.  If we let them make us crazy they win.   Hugs

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