Scotties Toy Box

October 23, 2016

Wanting to die

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 19:50

When watching movies or great TV series I often put my self in the position of the hero.  Or at least one of the characters.   It feels good , it feels right, and some times I even dream it at night when asleep.   But I today I have been watching the “Battle star Galactica”  series.  I was having fun with it until the show where the two battlestars meet and there is a prisoner on one of the ships.  While both ships have prisoners, one ship treats theirs with respect.. and that prisoner helps them out.. the other hurts harms and rapes their prisoner.  

I triggered.  It took a bit to come back.  I still have difficultly writing this.  My best way back is the two cats that are right now pressed up on me.  Odis on one side and Milo on the other.   It makes typing hard I can tell you.  However I don’t want this to be about me or my past.   I want to explain that hurting people, torturing them, giving them their greatest fears will not nor will it ever get them to tell you the truth.  It will get them to tell you what you want to hear.  

It is not only my past saying this.  I was part of an experiment, a military program , where they took a bunch of us and made us prisoners of war. While we knew it was fake it also was quite real.  The experience for me was triggering.  But I got a medal out of it because I did all the right things we are taught to do.  

But back to harm and mistreatment.  Did I ever tell one of my abusers what they wanted to hear…yes you bet I did.   I could have told them anything they wanted to hear simply to get the pain to stop.   But the pain still wont stop.   However not what this post is about.  It is about the idea that hurting someone enough, degrading them enough, tearing them down enough will get you the information you want.    It wont.   See if hurt bad enough you will tell someone anything they want to hear.  IF it is bad enough you will make things up.  You will do anything to get relief or to have them go torment someone else.

So if you are in a country thinking of doing this, if you are in a country that is doing this, if you are personally thinking this is the way to go….then understand this gets you the opposites of what you really want.  Unless what you want is to hurt people.  To humiliate others.  To rape and show your power over the defenseless.

I am tired, I have way too many emails, and I want to crawl inside a deep safe warm cave.  But instead I wrote this.   Think please of how you react to everyone you meet, you could give them their best day or start off their worst.    Many hugs


  1. If you are of a mind to read the humorous side of this, I recommend the book Wilt, by Tom Sharpe. I won’t ruin it with any spoilers but the ”hero”, Henry Wilt has to endure a similar ”grilling” at the hands of the British police only his method of coping will have tears of laughter rolling down your cheeks.

    Liked by 2 people

    Comment by Arkenaten — October 24, 2016 @ 10:20

    • Thanks, I will look it up. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2016 @ 10:25

    • I’ve also read this, it’s great. My favourite Tom Sharp novel is ‘The Throwback’ – incredibly funny.

      As I’m here replying I’ll carry on to say that this is a post with an important message and you’ve conveyed that message so well Scottie. I’m glad you wrote this rather than crawled into the cave.

      – esme hugging him upon the Cloud

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — October 24, 2016 @ 14:24

  2. At some point, the vigorous desire to obtain vital information descends into sadism. Those who cross that threshold lose their morality, their integrity, and their credibility.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Robert A. Vella — October 24, 2016 @ 12:20

  3. So sorry you were triggered by this. But you have just the right words to say why it is so wrong.

    Have you, can you, write about what was done to you as a child?

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by heretherebespiders — October 24, 2016 @ 15:06

    • I am sorry. I can’t really. I am in a good stretch right now, few nightmares, not waking up screaming, not having crying times. I have a terrible time when I let my self dwell on it or walk those memory roads. When I do write of it, I have to be careful not to go too deep into it, or I will lose it again. I have not self harmed in a long while. I know it is not fair to those who care about me to have me be so vague, But I have to for my mental health. They say it helps to write it, or talk of it. I spent so many years trying to forget it, deny it, to hide it all. Thanks for being a good friend. I an grateful. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2016 @ 15:14

      • It’s okay, I was just wondering if you had or could. It’s been long ago enough that forgetting is the better option, if possible.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by heretherebespiders — October 24, 2016 @ 15:47

        • It took me 17 years to even tell Ron some of it. He had already had figured a lot of it out. Still I cant tell him details. He says those people will haunt me, he is correct. You can’t forget but you can try to live like it did not happen, live like the fears and tears never existed. Got to stop now, getting upset. Be well. Hugs

          Liked by 1 person

          Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2016 @ 15:53

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