Two trips to the bathroom to wash my eyes out, four hankies full of snot. I won’t go back there tonight I tell myself. My heart hammers , my thoughts jumbled, my directions I had earlier all gone.
I know better!
But I got talking to someone who had a terrible experience, and I thought I was keeping one foot in my safe space, when I lost it. She had a need and I wanted to help but walking that road caused me to go to a place I don’t want to be. I can not stop crying even as hard as I try, the cats both are trying to press on me and it hurts so. I have to regain control, it is the only way.
Well there goes another hankie. I took a break. Had too. In fact rolled out of my office into the kitchen in my wheelchair. Got a cola from the fridge, and went back to my office. There I poured myself a shot of rum into my glass and added the cola. Boy what a cool character I am. I could be a detective in one of those black and white movies.
What started this panic attack and all the crying and nose running and all the fears that come with it. I should just delete this post. Really why put all of us through this again. Have we not been here enough.
Yet I was asked recently if I was ready to write it out, my abuse, my story, my childhood and all the rest that happened. No I am not. So why this post. Great question. I don’t have an answer. Maybe because while I can not yet tell all of the specifics I can “beat around the bush” of it as they say.
Took a step back, had a couple deep drinks of the rum and cola.
OK everyone who knows me knows I had a hell of a childhood. Those who follow this blog know that as a young man in the service I also gave myself to my Sargent. Not a trigger there as he was great. However as most people here know a fellow sergeant of his did not understand and thought I was free game and raped me in my sergeants apartment, which lead to a huge fight and got command involved. It was hushed up and I had no help.
I was also raped on the way to my first navy assignment because I was a stupid trusting country kid who took a stranger’s kindness as a gift, it was not. Lucky for me he used drugs to knock me out, unfortunately he did not use enough. I was awake yet not able to defend myself or do much, he did what he wanted. He was good enough to pay for the hotel and left 80 bucks on the table. I took it as somewhere out there maybe pictures of me at 18 as he.. can’t go there really can’t !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Making another drink. tastes good!. OK now on my fourth one. Kind of have my feet under me so to speak. Have to look back to see where this post is going.. or do I want to . Still think I should delete it. I have deleted them before. If they have no purpose, nothing but me whining. I hate to whine.
OK I see what I was talking about. I was talking to grand lady who had been mistreated in the military and had trouble getting the medical help she needed. In the course of talking to her we both went down a road dangerous to both of us. I started triggering and then found myself here. I bet Victoria could explain it but I am danged if I can. My eyes feel like they are filled with sand and may pop at any time, my chest hurts like I have been playing football and been hit carrying the ball too many times. My head is filled with cotton and I can not think my way out of a bag with the instructions on the inside.
I lost count. Either the 7th or 8th rum and cola. I am pretty happy again. Wont be in the morning but now don’t care. I had wanted to say something nice and uplifting to my new friend. Like it will be ok, or it will be all better tomorrow but that is crap and we know it. What can I say. How to say it if I knew what to say? I guess I can only say that each day you are with someone you love that is a gift no one can take away. They may have taken other things but they can’t take that. Never. Hold on, crying again. Forgot I have glasses and just tried to wipe my eyes with a hankie with our taking them off, did not work out well.
Made my self another drink. where were we…….
I was going to say something but forget. Just got myself another rum and cola. Getting very tired. I had better get to it soon as I think I need to get to bed. let me go back to the top. Hold on. won’t take a minute. OK brushed my hair back, took a pee but I got it what I want to say. Just let me take another drink OK. No I have not had enough thanks.
OK none of us who had things done to us by people we had no ability to stop is our fault. Yes it hurts, yes it was wrong, yes it is really shitty, and yes gods what people will think of us when they know. Still not our fault!
Also we will make it. Most of us not by our selves but with those who love us and care for us. !! Those that have to take on the caregiving role will suffer more and will have to struggle in ways I have yet to understand. Sorry but it is not a place I have had to go.
Our loved ones suffer as much as we do as they do not understand and can only give comfort not explanations… sorry another hankie down and I made another drink. I should have asked victoria to do this post for me or many even Nan. oh loved ones.. well I can only speak of mine, Ron and he has paid hell in our 26 years. At first when he moved in he couldn’t even come into the bedroom when I was asleep. Later if he disrupted my sleep I would lash out hitting and trying to beat him. It was almost a full two years before we could sleep in the same bed. He never complained.
Got to wrap this up or I will run out of hankies. Ron uses Kleenex but I have always used hankies and will till I pass.
So let wrap this up…. what was it you wanted to know? Let me look back. Hold on. OK the whole post has no point and should be deleted but I am hesitant to do that. I really care about the lady I was talking too and she has a real complain to air, she should be heard. But I can see I put a lot of stuff in here about myself that really need not be. But I am tired. I think things are blurring on me. So lets close this.
Humans shouldn’t be abused. No human of any age should be used without their consent. AS young can’t give consent ( hey they don’t understand and if you don’t understand why they can not agree to it you have a bigger problem than I can say ) they are off limits you jerks. Don’t hurt people. Give people hugs instead.
Think I better shut it all down and go to bed, everything blurring and I am not sure but I think my wheel chair is leaning. hope this posts makes sense but I am not going to check as the words are assholes and keep blurring on me. Loves to all. Hugs