Scotties Toy Box

October 28, 2016

I am not going there tonight.. not again.

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 23:37

Two trips to the bathroom to wash my eyes out, four hankies full of snot.  I won’t go back there tonight I tell myself.  My heart hammers , my thoughts jumbled, my directions I had earlier all gone.

I know better!

But I got talking to someone who had a terrible experience, and I thought I was keeping one foot in my safe space, when I lost it.  She had a need and I wanted to help but walking that road caused me to go to a place I don’t want to be.  I can not stop crying even as hard as I try, the cats both are trying to press on me and it hurts so.  I have to regain control, it is the only way.

Well there goes another hankie.  I took a break.  Had too.  In fact rolled out of my office into the kitchen in my wheelchair.  Got a cola from the fridge, and went back to my office.  There I poured myself a shot of rum into my glass and added the cola.  Boy what a cool character I am.   I could be a detective in one of those black and white movies.

What started this panic attack and all the crying and nose running and all the fears that come with it.  I should just delete this post.  Really why put all of us through this again.  Have we not been here enough.

Yet I was asked recently if I was ready to write it out, my abuse, my story, my childhood and all the rest that happened.  No I am not.  So why this post.  Great question.  I don’t have an answer.  Maybe because while I can not yet tell all of the specifics I can “beat around the bush” of it as they say.

Took a step back, had a couple deep drinks of the rum and cola.

OK everyone who knows me knows I had a hell of a childhood.  Those who follow this blog know that as a young man in the service I also gave myself to my Sargent.  Not a trigger there as he was great.  However as most people here know a fellow sergeant of his did not understand and thought I was free game and raped me in my sergeants apartment, which lead to a huge fight and got command involved.  It was hushed up and I had no help.

I was also raped on the way to my first navy assignment because I was a stupid trusting country kid who took a stranger’s kindness as a gift, it was not.  Lucky for me he used drugs to knock me out, unfortunately he did not use enough.  I was awake yet not able to defend myself or do much, he did what he wanted.   He was good enough to pay for the hotel and left 80 bucks on the table.  I took it as somewhere out there maybe pictures of me at 18 as he.. can’t go there really can’t !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Making another drink.  tastes good!.  OK now on my fourth one.  Kind of have my feet under me so to speak.  Have to look back to see where this post is going.. or do I want to . Still think I should delete it.  I have deleted them before.  If they have no purpose, nothing but me whining.  I hate to whine.

OK I see what I was talking about.  I was talking to grand lady who had been mistreated in the military and had trouble getting the medical help she needed.  In the course of talking to her we both went down a road dangerous to both of us.   I started triggering and then found myself here.  I bet Victoria could explain it but I am danged if I can.  My eyes feel like they are filled with sand and may pop at any time, my chest hurts like I have been playing football and been hit carrying the ball too many times.  My head is filled with cotton and I can not think my  way out of a bag with the instructions on the inside.

I lost count.  Either the 7th or 8th rum and cola.  I am pretty happy again.  Wont be in the morning but now don’t care.  I had wanted to say something nice and uplifting to my new friend.  Like it will be ok, or it will be all better tomorrow but that is crap and we know it.  What can I say.  How to say it if I knew what to say?  I guess I can only say that each day you are with someone you love that is a gift no one can take away.  They may have taken other things but they can’t take that.  Never.  Hold on, crying again.  Forgot I have glasses and just tried to wipe my eyes with a hankie with our taking them off, did not work out well.

Made my self another drink. where were we…….

I was going to say something but forget.  Just got myself another rum and cola.  Getting very tired.  I had better get to it soon as I think I need to get to bed. let me go back to the top.  Hold on. won’t take a minute.  OK brushed my hair back, took a pee but I got it what I want to say.  Just let me take another drink OK.  No I have not had enough thanks.

OK none of us who had things done to us by people we had no ability to stop is our fault.  Yes it hurts, yes it was wrong, yes it is really shitty, and yes gods what people will think of us when they know.  Still not our fault!

Also we will make it. Most of us not by our selves but with those who love us and care for us. !! Those that have to take on the caregiving role will suffer more and will have to struggle in ways I have yet to understand.  Sorry but it is not a place I have had to go.

Our loved ones suffer as much as we do as they do not understand and can only give comfort not explanations… sorry another hankie down and I made another drink.  I should have asked victoria to do this post for me or many even Nan.  oh loved ones.. well I can only speak of mine, Ron and he has paid hell in our 26 years.  At first when he moved in he couldn’t even come into the bedroom when I was asleep.  Later if he disrupted my sleep I would lash out hitting and trying to beat him.   It was almost a full two years before we could sleep in the same bed.   He never complained.

Got to wrap this up or I will run out of hankies.  Ron uses Kleenex but I have always used hankies and will till I pass.

So let wrap this up…. what was it you wanted to know?  Let me look back.  Hold on.  OK the whole post has no point and should be deleted but I am hesitant to do that.  I really care about the lady I was talking too and she has a real complain to air, she should be heard.  But I can see I put a lot of stuff in here about myself that really need not be.  But I am tired.  I think things are blurring on me.  So lets close this.

Humans shouldn’t be abused.  No human of any age should be used without their consent.  AS young can’t give consent ( hey they don’t understand and if you don’t understand why they can not agree to it you have a bigger problem than I can say ) they are off limits you jerks.   Don’t hurt people.  Give people hugs instead.

Think I better shut it all down and go to bed, everything blurring and I am not sure but I think my wheel chair is leaning.  hope this posts makes sense but I am not going to check as the words are assholes and keep blurring on me.  Loves to all.  Hugs




  1. I hear you, brother, and I know. I just know. Believe me, I know.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by inspiredbythedivine1 — October 29, 2016 @ 00:16

    • Thanks Jeff. I think that post must have been hard for you to read also. Sorry. It just seemed to explode out of me. Every time I thought I had a handle on it , it would bubble up again and seemed to splash all over me in waves. Be well. Thanks. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — October 29, 2016 @ 11:56

  2. It does make sense. And I admire your ability to construct a post about such a personal emotive difficult topic. Especially after a few drinks! It takes me long enough to write about nothing in particular after no drinks. But, consent. It’s not difficult to understand. People choose not to. Simple as that.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by roughseasinthemed — October 29, 2016 @ 00:42

    • Thank you. You give me more credit than I think I deserve. I just read over the post and I am a little ashamed of how it just bubbled out of me like an angry volcano about to explode. I wish I had written it better, but it does express what I was dealing with last night. In a way I deal with it all the time, every day, what I keep under control all the time. We all have problems, and I have mine as you can see. In a way I was always scared to let any now, afraid it would show. Tried to be tougher than I was to hide the pain. But I don’t care anymore that people know, that they may think less of me. I am who and what I am , made by my past, my own decisions, the things done to me and the choices I made. Over the last 53 years it adds up to the person I am. I have decided I like me. That was the hardest part. Learning to like the one who for so long was told he was unlikeable and unloveable. Now I like me and I am well and truly loved. Be well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — October 29, 2016 @ 11:53

  3. “Still think I should delete it. I have deleted them before. If they have no purpose, nothing but me whining. I hate to whine.” – Only delete this if it will cause you too much pain to leave it up, because you writing about what happened again gives others out there who have had similar horrifying experiences the chance to come across a post that will tell them they are not alone, and that no matter how hard it is, you’ll still be able to reach out and help other people who have most likely kept silent about their pain. You can’t always go the whole route to help, but you reach out none the less, and you show from your other posts that it is possible to find happiness despite the darkest of days and nights like this. You could always edit the post if you would rather after looking at it again in the morning, but as I say, unless it pains you to leave it there, I think it would be a kind thing to do so.In no way whatsoever is it ‘whining’. *hugs him a lot*

    – esme upon the Cloud

    Liked by 2 people

    Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — October 29, 2016 @ 06:07

    • Thank you. A very thoughtful and kind letter. I do try and most times I can avoid triggering. It has been on my mind a lot lately and I can’t shake it. So last night I sort of popped. I do want to be able to help people, I like to help people. Ron has tried to help me, but before him I had to deal on my own. No internet back then. I am happy for the most part, I think of myself as very lucky really. Also we all have issues in life , hurts and harms to deal with. It makes it easier when there are people like you, caring people. Be well. Thanks for the hugs. Returning hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — October 29, 2016 @ 11:46

  4. Oh, Scottie. Big hugs to you, my friend. 🙂

    (and I really hope you’re not hungover, on top of everything else. . ..)

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Carmen — October 29, 2016 @ 15:07

    • Thank you Carmen. I wish I had not spewed my hurt all over the blog post that way, I feel it makes me look like I am seeking attention. But it just overwhelmed me and kept come back to slap me in the head and punch me in the gut. I was a bit of a mess that is sure. Not hungover… Much. I hope someday I can look at all of it, the hurts, the pain, the places I can’t go to in my head right now. But for now I have to just live with it. Thanks for caring, it means a lot to me. You are grand. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — October 29, 2016 @ 15:13

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