I just told my therapist this past Tuesday that I’m knocking myself out trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but can’t seem to. We put our outdoor lights up this past weekend, and I just now put up my first of three Christmas trees. I have never been so late in putting up a tree! This one is all mine. It’s six feet tall and it’s all things of my kids’ art, animals (especially birds and butterflies) and the first couple of ornaments hubs and I got. No lights though.
My secret to FINALLY kicking Scrooge in the ass you ask….Yesterday I watched Christmas Vacation and late this morning I popped open a bottle of Korbel and poured it in a wine glass with some apple juice. At first I only had a handful of decorations on the tree and just felt stuck. I then put on some Beyoncé radio on my Pandora app and opened the bubbly. I also had a mini party of cocktail weiners, sliced up block cheddar and Keebler crackers to boot.
So, I’m still feeling really chillax even now. I’m the happy drunk. I’m like a surfer or hippie, all about the love and no worries, man. Lucky me, my Beyoncé station plays lots of Marley (Ziggy and Bob) to help me in my time of actually not stressing for once.
Scottie, in light of all of that, and your saddened current state, I want you to know that I do care about you. This song is for you! Please don’t ever feel alone. You can always reach me by my email if you need to. I hope things improve by the weekend.
Don’t know if I’ll have another chance to look at blogs this weekend. (Hubs just left for work and I was thinking about you.) You’re on my mind first thing this morning, Scottie. I don’t know what I can do for you from so far away. However, if you want to reach out to me you absolutely can.
I love you, my friend. I know how trying Christmas can be. It’s not just about the loneliness of the holiday blues or the religious stuff either. Around Thanksgiving I was overwhelmed with just how shitty this year has been. It’s been full of health issues, two major surgeries, pain and constant back and forth with doctors and my health insurance. (I won’t even get into all of my trauma therapy drama.) When you go through that with little to no support, it’s even more exhausting.
I know you’re tired. I know you’ve had a very trying year, mentally, emotionally and physically. I also know that you have REALLY tried to be kind and appreciative through it all! It’s exhausting, I know. You’re a good person. I appreciate you. I’ll go through this trying time with you. You work it out however long it takes. I’m here if you want to email.
Thank you Charity! You really are Grand! With all you have been through , you still have room in your heart to reach out and care for others. I have said it before and I say again, you are an inspiration.
Yes this is a hard time of year for me. While Ron tries to make Christmas grand for me, the memories of so many unpleasant ones growing up still haunts me. Not to the point of hurting my self, I am still strong enough to avoid that, even if I think about it once and awhile. I did not sleep last night, both from pain and from things in my head that wouldn’t go away. I had to have more X-rays yesterday. The people were grand. One of the ladies I use to work with in the ICU is head of the department. But still to get the right X-ray they have to twist and turn me, put me in hurtful positions. At one point it hurt so bad I was crying. Then came home and I just felt so crappy I went to bed early just to try not to deal with it all. However I admire you. How you stay sane with all you have been through. I would be sitting in a corner babbling to myself. Thanks again. I wish you and your family the very best, and the most happiness possible. Many warm holiday hugs.
Thank you Charity , again you are a wonderful person. Ron tries really hard to keep my spirits up this time of year. He is going to take me out around the park in the car to see the lights on monday night. It is everything this year. Ron and I talked this morning about maybe having the doctor go up on my mood stabilizers. Charity I feel like I am running a race where everyone else is way ahead and I can’t keep up no matter what I do. I just feel I am falling farther behind every day. Then again I have it so much better than others. I have a warm home to stay in, I have a grand wonderful hubby to care for me, I have internet to talk to wonderful people such as yourself. So I can’t explain why my chest hurts sometimes and it is hard to breathe over all the things in my head. Thanks again. I will be OK. Please take care of yourself and be well. You are important and the world needs you. Hugs
Never apologize or feel bad that something in your life or body has brought you down. Your pain is real and you shouldn’t feel as though you should minimize it.
Just a couple of days ago I almost had a full blown panic attack. It didn’t help that I had to have a mammogram and deal with both of my kids’ schools’ administrators as I donated a bunch of stuff. I thought I had to say no to a guidance counselor regarding donating to another giving tree kid. Hubs and I worked it out to where we can, but it took some work and planning. In the moment where I initially emailed her no to help out, I could suddenly hear my dad tell me how selfish and lazy I am. How I think I’m too good and that the world doesn’t revolve around me. Over and over, “YOU’RE SELFISH!”
It hurt to realize that was stuffed way down inside and it destroys me to have to say no to a child at any age, especially regarding their needs. So, I evened out my hair a bit this morning and will touch up the gray with a box color whenever it comes back in. Money spent at a salon will be used for some great stuff for a boy my oldest’s age instead. Some things we already had around the house still in packages, other nice things we found cheap online.
The thing about abuse is that it’s rarely one word or one deed, it’s usually repeated over and over. You think that you’ve come so far and then you unravel yet another strand in a knotted ball of yarn. My oldest is eleven and that was a horrible time for hubs childhood, as well as my own. When I was that age, I attended a small private Christian school. Every Friday they sent home papers from the week. I always had nothing, but D s and F s. Mom and dad never helped me with my work. If dad attempted to help, he’d just scream, threaten and insult me. This week I was thinking about those dreaded Fridays. Around 4 or 5 PM, once we all were home from the store, school and work, dad would get the strongest vine he could find. He’d look at my poor grades and had my whole family sit down in the living room. He’d have me bend over this ugly, dingy, yellow floral chair and whip my ass with that vine like I was a violent criminal. I remember one time the pain was so bad, I ran up the chair. I wasn’t trying to get away from him, it was just a horrible jolt to my system.
That’s the thing about raising kids, it’s a constant reminder of when I was a kid. To constantly be “punished” and never helped is painful enough, but to continually be told that I’m the selfish one is fucked up. I recently told Victoria that those assholes still try to stay in my life. Mom sent me a Birthday card asking when I was going to stop being mad at them and dad put me on one of his favorite Christian businesses email lists. Just this week I got a message from Christian Book Distributers and I wanted to throw up. I knew it was of dad’s doing, he had bought their cheap clearance shit for decades on the regular.
Eleven is also around the time my husband was adopted and his adopted parents locked him out of the house every day for a year until bed time. He depended upon school and the Boys Club for any kind of interaction. He’d get home on his bike at night, eat a hot dog, shower and go to bed. It wasn’t until their oldest (adult) birth kids confronted them on it that the nonsense stopped. Their resolve was shipping hubs off to a military school hundreds of miles away in another state, his entire time in high school.
Yeah, I get you, Scottie. I get the pain of the holidays. Often childhood and the holidays are tied up together. It’s hard to separate the two, they’re heavily in twine. That’s great when you have a great childhood, but it sure as hell hurts when you don’t!
Unravel, my friend. Unravel the way you need to. I know it hurts. I know you really want to be in a happy, giving and loving state of mind. I also know that it’s a job and a half to do so when you are hurting so much in your mind and body. You are loved, my friend. I’m sorry that I can’t there with you in the sunshine state. And whether I comment on your blog on the regular or not, know that I do think about you. You don’t have to do this by yourself because you aren’t by yourself.
What is it with the abusive assholes who made us all gather around and watch while he systematically beat each of us into the ground. He kept up the hitting the kicking until we couldn’t get up. When there were other kids still at home that is how it was every evening. The after supper entertainment. Then when I was left the only one.. it was just sudden lashing out, never knowing when or where it would come from. I don’t want to think of it this time of year, I have to move my mind to other better stuff.
I thank you for sharing this . I know how much it must have cost you. I am still numb from just reading it, to have to write it while reliving it is a horror I wouldn’t ever ask of you or anyone.
“The thing about abuse is that it’s rarely one word or one deed, it’s usually repeated over and over. You think that you’ve come so far and then you unravel yet another strand in a knotted ball of yarn.” Yes and that is so hard for others to understand. it is can be as simple as watching something in a movie no one else gets upset about, it can be a smell that turns my stomach and makes me heave, it is the pain in my body where long ago I was hurt so often and so cruelly. I am sorry. I thank you. I regret having made you walk down that hallway again. I will be alone tonight, Ron getting ready for work and I don’t dare, I jsut can’t, let this get ahold of me… I hope you understand. I think I am strong, gods knows what I did in my life, I did amazing things in the milatary, yet in the dark cold night I am still a frightened child dreading the sounds of steps outside my door, the door opening, the things that came next. Have to go, crying now and don’t want Ron to see this. Hugs
Oh, I’m sorry, Scottie. You are a person of love. You are strong and you are amazing! I’m so sorry to have upset you. You didn’t make me think of this, something else this week made me think of this. You remind me of goodness, hope and kindness. You are good. You are encouraging. You are sweet. You are wise. YOU ARE a significant piece of importance in this great big world. I am truly, truly, truly sorry.
I feel very fortunate. Here I am getting praise from you, a person I admire and respect so much. I am going to be OK. I hope you will be OK. I just read a post by Erynne at here be spiders. Someone needs help and I want to , I just don’t understand how. So I will send some money to her and hope she will make sure it gets where it needs to be. You give me such praise, but I am not all that. I am just a person trying to do the best I can in this world, helping out my fellow beings as best I can. I wish my heart was as big as yours, but sometimes I simply fail. I can not change the past, I can not stop the memories. I can not change the damage done. But I can try to help others. Just a little maybe. Thanks and best wishes. Hugs
Just being the encouraging person you are helps significantly. Life is tough. Although, hubs and I haven’t always been successful at it, we try to make our home a safe haven for our kids. You are a safe haven for people on line. People may not always respond, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not touched by your words. Enjoy your weekend, Scottie. You are loved. I hope to talk to you again before Christmas. Just keep being that peace on earth and goodwill toward man kind that you already are. You are the good in Christmas throughout the year. Peace, Charity
🙂 I miss snow really. I use to love it when I was young. However my doctor said the cold was harmful to my deteriorating bones and if I fell I could be in a lot of trouble. But we are talking now of moving back to snow country. You guys take care of your selves and have a grand holiday. Hugs
I am a 54 year old gay man who has been very lucky in life. Life is an adventure and I live it that way. I am in a long term married relationship with a wonderful man I adore. This is our 27th plus year together.
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