Scotties Toy Box

February 10, 2017


Filed under: Harm, Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 18:56

  Well let’s start at the beginning which is really last night.  I was unable to sleep all night.  I was having muscle spasms in both feet and calves in both legs but mostly the left..  It comes from the spine, which is sending signals for the muscles to contract.   The solution is to take muscle relaxers to relax both the muscles in spasm and the muscles in the back especially those next to the spine.   So last night I would lay down and three minutes later the clenching spasms in my feet and legs would drive me from the bed to stand and shuffle walk.  This happened all night.  I took the muscle relaxers.  Then took more, Then took far more.  Then at 5 AM I remembered I still had some of the really good medication that the state legislators made a law preventing my doctors from using.   It works far better than anything else prescribed for muscle spasms.  I use to take it full time.  Now that my doctors by law can’t use it they have been trying different medications that are not as good.  So I took one.   By 5:30 AM the muscles had calmed down and I was finally able to stay in bed.  I had set my alarm for 7:30 AM as I had a MRI this morning.  I slept right through the alarm.  I woke up at 9 which was OK.   I did my morning “get ready for the day” preparations.  Then knowing that I couldn’t have any muscle cramps in the MRI I took another of the really good medication.  

I was in a lot of pain by the time we got to the MRI place.  So as we sat waiting I took some pain pills.  This was in addition to the normal “first thing in the morning” pain medication I take.   So I was very heavily medicated by the time they took me back to the MRI.  I have had many MRI’s and never had a problem.  I am not claustrophobic and the tight tubes have never caused any trouble.  I normally spend the time thinking of the small stories I create in my head to entertain myself.  I was not expecting any problems this time.  

I was wrong, Oh so very wrong!

I changed and they took me to the machine.  I laid down and then as the pain started I realized we would have a problem.  I explained to them that I had been having muscle spasms and if it happened inside the MRI they would have to pull me out.  They said they couldn’t do that. I told them they sure would.  I was already in pain and now realized I would have to stay motionless in the MRI, I had forgotten that.  I need to move a lot, to keep changing the pressure points on the bones and to ease the muscles.  I had an unsupported space between my back and the table, I had my knees in a foam mold and a weight on the bad knee they were to scan.  Remember I have decaying and damaged vertebrae along with problems with the disc material between the vertebrae.  Both of these cause damage to the nerves in the channel in the spine.  In my left hip I have a fracture and a collapsed hip joint from Avascular necrosis.  Plus the damage to the knee that I hurt when I fell.   Within minutes I was in severe pain.  This test was to take 30 minutes and within minutes of the start I was already in agony.  I couldn’t move to relieve myself in any way.  My arms were not inside the machine and I was moving them from my chest to straight up to help my mind control the pain.  They told me to stop moving my arms.

My pain level rose until I couldn’t think or hardly breath.  I ran through every method I knew to help with pain.  I was losing the battle.  I was starting to cry.  I was forcing my self to stay as still as possible and letting the agony eat me alive.  I have felt pain that intense only in my childhood sexual abuse.  The actions taken against me caused me such pain I can’t describe.  At least then I could move some to try to relive the pain, I could struggle and move some.  Then after it had happened more times and kept happening for years, my body found ways to deal with it, to try to relax the part that was invaded and harmed.  There was no way I could stop it, it was going to happen despite anything I tried to do, all I could do was make it hurt less if possible.   My body found ways to make it less painful, less harmful, while my mind simply went to other places so I wouldn’t have to deal with or face what was happening.   In the MRI I needed my mind to stay as I needed to control my body to not move as it desperately needed to.  I was starting to flash back and I had to use all my strength and control not to let go.  

I was going to describe what I was talking about and then when I tried to type it I just can’t do it.  I am struggling to write this as it is and as it is not a critical part of this story I don’t see subjecting my self and you to the full in your face descriptions of actions you can figure out your self is needed.   It hurts me to think of it, and it hurts worse to tell of it.  It basically puts me back there in the time and place when it happened.  

They stopped the test for a minute with 8 minutes left .  They had noticed my distress and the tears on my face and warned me to keep my arms still.   I informed them of my pain, my current medical problems, and asked if I could move to reduce the pain.  They said no.  I either stopped the test now, or they needed me to remain where I was.   I felt trapped and losing hope.  Later Ron was upset when he heard all this and seen me when I came out, he said he would have stopped the test, but they wouldn’t have let him in anyway.  So back in the MRI I told them to continue.  Well after the first part of the 8 minute test was done I informed them to stop, they had one more slice to do and I told them  no, I with drew permission for the test or what ever it took.  I was flashing in my head to a bad place, I was in pain I can’t describe.  I have broken bones and had exposed nerves that never hurt like this.  I have driven nails through my hands , nearly cut off a big toe, and had my finger slammed in a car door and it still was not anywhere near as much pain as I was in right then.  I can handle pain, I live with it.  However after nearly 30 minutes of unrelenting agony I was done.  I reached the end of my rope.   They stopped the test.   

I needed help to get up off the table.  I was not able to on my own and they couldn’t bring my cane in to the room.   Then when I stood I could only use one leg.  The left was useless and in pain.  So this thin 98 pound woman offered to help me.  I was scared to put any weight on her but I had to a little.  I scrunched my way to the door and my cane.  Then slowly dressed, calmed down, took some medications.  Then they escorted me back to waiting room to see Ron.  When we got home Ron made me lunch and remarked I looked stoned.  I was.  Not only stoned from all the medications, 2 kinds of morphines, Baclofen muscle relaxers, Soma muscle relaxers, tramadol, ibuprofen to name the pain medications.  Plus a good old trip down the childhood abuse memory lane.  I was simply stunned.  Ron decided we both needed to go to bed.  Ron made it all as well as he could for me.  I fell in to a deep sleep, and only woke up when my alarm went off that I set to bring Ron his coffee on work nights. 

Well thank you for reading.  I wish the best to you and your families.  Many hugs, Scottie






  1. Oh, Scottie. I feel so awful for you. Know that I am thinking of you and wishing I could relieve some of your torment. You are just so GOOD. :).

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by carmen — February 10, 2017 @ 19:15

    • Thank you Carmen. I really need to hear that today. I am grateful that I have met you online. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — February 10, 2017 @ 19:27

  2. I am sorry to hear about all your pain. that must have been a really awful day to go through that much pain. It is nice that Ron takes such good care of you. He is a really great person. is there anything thar doctors can do to help fix your spine?

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by dougl61 — February 10, 2017 @ 21:52

    • Thank you. It was horrible. The worst experience I have had in years. It was worse then when I had an operation with less pain meds than I normally used at home. This was mind blowing. Add to that the flashing back to being raped, that was too much for me to handle at one time. No surgery can help my knee and my hip will have to be replaced, but there is little to nothing I can do with the spine. I will lose the ablility to walk if I live to retirment age. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — February 11, 2017 @ 10:57

  3. I feel SOOO very much for you in this experience. Literally every moment I have felt and I hurt for you. That need to move and relieve pressure and thinking up stories to pass time but having unbearable pain. Even having medications removed that worked. Darvocet was the ONLY medication I have ever taken that relieved my muscle pain and bone pain. It is gone. Nothing compares.
    I am just so so sorry you had to go through this agonizing experience. How dreadful. And I can’t even know the kind of pain you experienced because no one can walk in your shoes and know the sheer pain but it sounds like 1-10 it was a 100 if you are used to pain and it was so unbearable. And then to have flashbacks. Oh my gosh. So i have to say, I am so proud of you. You stopped the test. That took great courage and strength becasue in that situation you are in a machine, vulnerable, in pain, and could easily just be silenced but you said no and I am so proud of you.
    What is it about those machines? Why do they evoke flashbacks?
    The last MRI that i had I had a grandmal seizure. I needed to move but couldnt. I started having flashbacks. Wanted them to stop but couldnt vocalize it. Kept saying the pain is awful. Then they gave the dye and something happened and i just lost it. I don’t know if PTSD, or the dye, or what happened but I had a massive seizure. Was taken to the hospital. All from an MRI machine.
    But this is not about me and I don’t want to take away from you which i feel i am doing but i guess reading this took me back and allowed me to have such empathy for you. Hoping you sleep well and rest and recover from that!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by bethanyk — February 11, 2017 @ 01:50

    • Hello Friend. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Many times an MRI causes people harm due to being confined and not being able to control the situation. Your situation was far more serious, with everything going on and the seizure which should have stopped the test instantly. It would have in the hospital I worked in. Then the reaction to the dye. Many people have a bad reaction to the dye, that is why they have so many precautions on its use. They should have been watching you and your condition, listening and checking you were alright. If they called out to you over the speaker and you did not answer they should repeat immediately. The second time you did not respond they should have pulled you out as fast as they could.

      Never fear to share your history with me please. All of us need to know, to understand, we are not alone. It is not about my situation or yours. It is all of ours. So please share everything you wish to. I know how much you have suffered because I can relate, and for those that have not been through abuse your words help them understand. SO again please share as you feel comfortable doing. As you have seen it is hard for me to share. I hid it far too long. Now it is part of me to hide it. I am still in the stage where voicing it, let it be known what happened to me, seems to diminish me, to make me feel I am some how less than.

      Oh I slept, my body had had enough. I slept all afternoon, got up , wrote the post, went back to bed and slept all night. When I woke up at 8 AM Ron brought me coffee and fussed over me, he saw how bad it had been for me.

      Thanks again. You understand so well. I wish the world did. Then maybe I could tell my childhood. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — February 11, 2017 @ 10:52

  4. What an ordeal Scottie – I doubt I could have coped as well as you – Hugs 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by The Story Reading Ape — February 11, 2017 @ 06:35

    • Thank you, I guess my body had enough because I slept the rest of the day, got up, wrote the post, and then went back to sleep for the night. Got up late. Thanks for the support. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — February 11, 2017 @ 10:25

  5. Oh hell. I’ve had a few of those myself. Mosty on my head! Gives you a good idea of what medical professionals think of me, eh?
    I know they try to encourage us to stay in as long as possible. But that was too much. I know you are like me – never say a word until it is already unbearable. Hold it in as long as possible…and then to have it ignored like you are just now feeling a little uncomfortable? Aaaaa!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by heretherebespiders — February 11, 2017 @ 17:21

    • Ya it was a bad intense experience. I am sorry you had to have MRI’s. What did you do to your head. You did not hit someone with it did you? 🙂 Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — February 11, 2017 @ 17:30

      • Lol no ! For a while back in 2000 I kept smelling toast. No one else did…so MRI to see if I had a tumor. Then when I moved here I had a ringing in my left ear that went on for months. Both times nothing bad was found, and they stopped on their own, eventually.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by heretherebespiders — February 12, 2017 @ 12:10

  6. This really sucks, Scottie. Have you considered medical marijuana?

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Arkenaten — February 11, 2017 @ 17:43

    • It is not legal in Florida. You know I think I am one of the very few who has never tried it in form. Ron has, everyone I know either has or currently does. I guess I am a late bloomer. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — February 11, 2017 @ 17:48

      • We give it one of out dogs who started getting freaked out after a fireworks display one New year.
        I have seen a video of its effects on a Parkinson sufferer.

        Are you sure it is illegal for medicinal purposes in your State?

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Arkenaten — February 12, 2017 @ 05:57

        • Yes sadly. Florida is a hard right state. So while we did get it passed the legislature has not passed the laws to with it. The thing is they will try to restrict it as much as possible. Plus if I take it in pill form will it somehow show up in a pee test for Ron who works in a hospital ICU and can’t do “illegal” drugs. Things to think of . Thanks. I will ask my doctor when I see her next month. Hugs


          Comment by Scottie — February 12, 2017 @ 11:15

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