Well let’s start at the beginning which is really last night. I was unable to sleep all night. I was having muscle spasms in both feet and calves in both legs but mostly the left.. It comes from the spine, which is sending signals for the muscles to contract. The solution is to take muscle relaxers to relax both the muscles in spasm and the muscles in the back especially those next to the spine. So last night I would lay down and three minutes later the clenching spasms in my feet and legs would drive me from the bed to stand and shuffle walk. This happened all night. I took the muscle relaxers. Then took more, Then took far more. Then at 5 AM I remembered I still had some of the really good medication that the state legislators made a law preventing my doctors from using. It works far better than anything else prescribed for muscle spasms. I use to take it full time. Now that my doctors by law can’t use it they have been trying different medications that are not as good. So I took one. By 5:30 AM the muscles had calmed down and I was finally able to stay in bed. I had set my alarm for 7:30 AM as I had a MRI this morning. I slept right through the alarm. I woke up at 9 which was OK. I did my morning “get ready for the day” preparations. Then knowing that I couldn’t have any muscle cramps in the MRI I took another of the really good medication.
I was in a lot of pain by the time we got to the MRI place. So as we sat waiting I took some pain pills. This was in addition to the normal “first thing in the morning” pain medication I take. So I was very heavily medicated by the time they took me back to the MRI. I have had many MRI’s and never had a problem. I am not claustrophobic and the tight tubes have never caused any trouble. I normally spend the time thinking of the small stories I create in my head to entertain myself. I was not expecting any problems this time.
I was wrong, Oh so very wrong!
I changed and they took me to the machine. I laid down and then as the pain started I realized we would have a problem. I explained to them that I had been having muscle spasms and if it happened inside the MRI they would have to pull me out. They said they couldn’t do that. I told them they sure would. I was already in pain and now realized I would have to stay motionless in the MRI, I had forgotten that. I need to move a lot, to keep changing the pressure points on the bones and to ease the muscles. I had an unsupported space between my back and the table, I had my knees in a foam mold and a weight on the bad knee they were to scan. Remember I have decaying and damaged vertebrae along with problems with the disc material between the vertebrae. Both of these cause damage to the nerves in the channel in the spine. In my left hip I have a fracture and a collapsed hip joint from Avascular necrosis. Plus the damage to the knee that I hurt when I fell. Within minutes I was in severe pain. This test was to take 30 minutes and within minutes of the start I was already in agony. I couldn’t move to relieve myself in any way. My arms were not inside the machine and I was moving them from my chest to straight up to help my mind control the pain. They told me to stop moving my arms.
My pain level rose until I couldn’t think or hardly breath. I ran through every method I knew to help with pain. I was losing the battle. I was starting to cry. I was forcing my self to stay as still as possible and letting the agony eat me alive. I have felt pain that intense only in my childhood sexual abuse. The actions taken against me caused me such pain I can’t describe. At least then I could move some to try to relive the pain, I could struggle and move some. Then after it had happened more times and kept happening for years, my body found ways to deal with it, to try to relax the part that was invaded and harmed. There was no way I could stop it, it was going to happen despite anything I tried to do, all I could do was make it hurt less if possible. My body found ways to make it less painful, less harmful, while my mind simply went to other places so I wouldn’t have to deal with or face what was happening. In the MRI I needed my mind to stay as I needed to control my body to not move as it desperately needed to. I was starting to flash back and I had to use all my strength and control not to let go.
I was going to describe what I was talking about and then when I tried to type it I just can’t do it. I am struggling to write this as it is and as it is not a critical part of this story I don’t see subjecting my self and you to the full in your face descriptions of actions you can figure out your self is needed. It hurts me to think of it, and it hurts worse to tell of it. It basically puts me back there in the time and place when it happened.
They stopped the test for a minute with 8 minutes left . They had noticed my distress and the tears on my face and warned me to keep my arms still. I informed them of my pain, my current medical problems, and asked if I could move to reduce the pain. They said no. I either stopped the test now, or they needed me to remain where I was. I felt trapped and losing hope. Later Ron was upset when he heard all this and seen me when I came out, he said he would have stopped the test, but they wouldn’t have let him in anyway. So back in the MRI I told them to continue. Well after the first part of the 8 minute test was done I informed them to stop, they had one more slice to do and I told them no, I with drew permission for the test or what ever it took. I was flashing in my head to a bad place, I was in pain I can’t describe. I have broken bones and had exposed nerves that never hurt like this. I have driven nails through my hands , nearly cut off a big toe, and had my finger slammed in a car door and it still was not anywhere near as much pain as I was in right then. I can handle pain, I live with it. However after nearly 30 minutes of unrelenting agony I was done. I reached the end of my rope. They stopped the test.
I needed help to get up off the table. I was not able to on my own and they couldn’t bring my cane in to the room. Then when I stood I could only use one leg. The left was useless and in pain. So this thin 98 pound woman offered to help me. I was scared to put any weight on her but I had to a little. I scrunched my way to the door and my cane. Then slowly dressed, calmed down, took some medications. Then they escorted me back to waiting room to see Ron. When we got home Ron made me lunch and remarked I looked stoned. I was. Not only stoned from all the medications, 2 kinds of morphines, Baclofen muscle relaxers, Soma muscle relaxers, tramadol, ibuprofen to name the pain medications. Plus a good old trip down the childhood abuse memory lane. I was simply stunned. Ron decided we both needed to go to bed. Ron made it all as well as he could for me. I fell in to a deep sleep, and only woke up when my alarm went off that I set to bring Ron his coffee on work nights.
Well thank you for reading. I wish the best to you and your families. Many hugs, Scottie