Scotties Toy Box

March 2, 2017

I recognize that furious, screaming child that lives inside Milo Yiannopoulos – The Globe and Mail

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, Harm, History, My Life and Rants, Sex — Tags: , , — Scottie @ 12:38

***This post is about sexual abuse, sexual situations, and a bit about how sexual abuse messed up my own understanding of sex.  If those topics bother you please stop reading now and go to a blog more pleasing to you with my thanks for stopping by.  Oh it also got very long.  Hugs ***

I was going to write this post yesterday but I kept putting it off because I guess I just did not want to deal with it, with my own feelings.  I have been on edge lately caught between needing to voice some of the things from my past, and feeling a huge need to just hide that it happened, that it happened to me.   A grand lady sent me a link to a great video.  I loved the video.  But because I am raw right now on this subject what I normally hide burst out of me.   I sent her an email where I basically divulged some things I had not voice before.   At least not sober.   🙂  She being a grand lady and a great friend wrote me back saying we should talk.  I panicked.  I wrote her I could barely write about it and no way I could verbally talk about it, I begged her to let it drop.  I hid again.  She understood but I knew she felt if I did not address it I would blow a gasket.  I agree with that, I need a safety valve to slowly release the parts I can.   Here is some thoughts I have, my letting it out safely if such a thing is possible.  

The article below talks about things I know because I have experienced it.     I do not in anyway give Milo a pass, I do not agree with the direction he went, I oppose his hateful nasty ways of trying to find worth and fame.  However I did go through the stages the author mentioned.   Let me start again as my mind went off to protect itself and I had to wrestle it back here.  

I was sexually abused.   I had a working knowledge of sex, the ways of it and the male body.   I did not have any clue about the emotional aspect of sex.  What emotions I associated with it were all wrong.  When kids in school talked in hushed tones about getting a blow job, laughed at dick jokes, and talked about boning a girl, I was confused and felt left out.  It was not because I was gay, that had its own problems.  See I knew about penises, I knew what sucking a cock was because I was doing it, I was the girl getting the cock and trust me it was not like the boys talked.   I was not able to join in on these boyhood dreams and fantasies.   I was mentally not able to process the disconnect between their words and my reality.  Sex for me was not pleasant and dream like, it was not something that made one happy and fulfilled.   It was power, authority, it was control over another, over me.  As I got older my body responded and in truth I felt this was normal sex.  I grew older and angry.  In my teens I desperately wanted what everyone around me talked about, what movies and books hinted at, but I was clueless and did not believe it existed.  

I remember being about 14 or 15 and wanting sex with my history teacher so bad.  I knew what guys wanted from me, to show they owned me, they could do what they wanted to me, that they could satisfy themselves and throw me away.  But remember I had no warm human contact.  I craved it, attention from a man who seemed so kind to me.  Surely if I came to him willingly he wouldn’t hurt me much right?  So I put myself out there for him.  I don’t know what he thought of the things I hinted.  I won’t describe the things I did , they are bad enough to remember and worse to share.  After a couple weeks he asked me to stay after school.   He would take me home.  I thought this was it, I was going feel what the boys all talked about.   But the teacher was a grand man, an honest man.  He figured out I was abused ( I think many knew ) and wanted to help me.  He tried to talk to me in the classroom but I couldn’t understand what he wanted, why was he not ordering me to pull my pants down, why was he not saying the angry words I normally heard if I was talked to at all during it.   He then figured I would talk if he took me home in his car.   In the car I waited for the order to “make him happy” but he did only talked and talked and talk.  My mind drifted off.  Soon we were at my home.  The only thing I learned was it was true that no one wanted me, I was not worth anything, I was below humans and not even a teacher had a use for me.  

Fast forward to me in the Navy stationed in San Diego.  I was 18.   I was fit and trim, I was cute even though I did not know it.  I did not make friends, I stayed to myself, I couldn’t connect to others.  The ways they acted and the things they wanted I could not understand.  Understand I was so very horny, I carved sex.  I wanted so much to have something, I just did not know what it was or how to get it.   I hated the sex I knew , but my body wanted the feeling of sex, to mate, so badly it was driving me mad.   So I explored the city, something I had never seen having grown up in a town with more cattle than people.  I had no fear, I was clueless.   I ran and jogged and looked at it all.   One early evening I had just ran the length of Broadway because running felt good to me, and was at a bench outside a bank stretching when a young guy came up to me.  He had been watching me but I did not know that then.  To me he was an adult and so I responded to him as an authority.  He really was just barely 25 and unsure, but I was trained by both my childhood and the military to submit to those older than me.  What was about to happen was my first consensual adult sexual experience and it will show how screwed up I was.   He asked me to his apartment.  I followed him.  I still had no clue what he was really doing.  He was a young cute gay guy with a new job as an architect.   He thought I was a coy young gay kid who knew what I was doing and what was happening.  In truth I was clueless.  He had asked me to go with him and I was.   When we got to his place he started to do all the things people trying to hook up do.  It went over my head.  When he kissed me I froze.  When he touched me I understood what I was to do.  I peeled out of my clothes and my body went to auto pilot and my mind took a vacation.  The guy must have thought he went to gay heaven.   He had found a young cute compliant guy to do what he wanted without asking for anything.  After a couple weeks we had a pattern.  I would come over , get naked, he would have sex with me, I would perform for him as he wished.  He would then shower, go out to the clubs and party, come back to his apartment and have me.  He told me after we broke up he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, I never complained, I just waited for him.  He could do as he wished.  He thought he had it all.  I thought I loved him.  He was basically my first.  When he touched me it was not to hurt, he never hit me, he never was angry , he never yelled at me.  He was kind, gentle, he made sure it did not hurt, but felt good.  There was only one thing he wanted and I couldn’t give it because I did not understand.  He wanted to reciprocate for me what I did for him.  When he would try I would draw away.  I was not trained for that.  I had been taught this was for something I did for others.  I was not to have the pleasure they did.  It had been beaten in me so I resisted him on that.  After about a month of this, one weekend at his place he had enough and confronted me about it.  I had no way to answer.  He tried to make it happen and when I pulled away and tried to roll over he pushed me down and did what I thought I was to do to him.  Sorry trying to not be graphic.  It did not go the way he thought it would.  I simply had never had those things done to me, I had no idea what to do or how to react.  I was scared, had flash backs because he had used force for the first time, I expected pain next and so did not respond the way he wanted or thought I should.   He had only wanted to give me pleasure and instead he realized it went badly wrong, but he did not know why.  Instead of the happy willing kid I had been I turned into a silent zombi who did not move or respond.  He finished the act and for the first time there was no joy in it for either of us.  My fear caused us to break up.  He had seemed so great in my mind, I was desperate for him, but now my body was scared.  If he had know, if he had taken more time.  He was young, it was not his fault.  

I left the Navy and entered the Army.  I watched others have the relationships and joy I wanted, some of them good and some of them bad as life normally is.  I became the boyfriend of my sargent, again willing to please and he was willing to take.  He was the boss, was subservient.  In the military it was not strange because of the rank difference between us.  I won’t go into details of those years. I came home with no more understanding of love and relationships than I had before.  

I became a civilian, and I got a good boring job.  I bought a home, and a new truck.  I stayed alone.  I never went out.  I was angry , oh so angry.  It was not worth living.  I was in dark places in my mind.  The only company I had was the memories I hated so.  The only people I talked to not at work were the 70 year old lady across the street I took for groceries and the people who had homes around mine.  I greeted them in passing.  A family moved in next door and they tried hard to start a friendly relationship with me.  I had stopped caring about myself, my needs.  I came home from work, drank until I passed out, storming to myself all the time,  trying to sleep without the nightmares, and going back to work.   In truth I was starting to think it was not worth living, life was just pain.  

Then before I could work out how to die, my neighbors decided I was going out to a gay club that had opened in the last year or so.  I had worked a shut down, so I was flush with money and vacation time.  My work forced me to take a month vacation as I had so much built up.   I went out just to shut up the neighbors.  I figured I would go out, sneak back in an hour or so and it would be over.   I went to the gay bar.  An old gay guy hit on me, I said no.  A sleazy man who seemed like a used car salesman tried to hit on me, I got up and went down stairs of the bar.  That was more a sitting area with big arm chairs, a couple pool tables, and a u shaped bar.   I sat as far away from everyone as I could.  I was watching an awesome blonde guy behind the bar.  He was all I could focus on, he filled me with such feelings.  The sleazy guy came over and I asked him to leave me alone.  He saw where I was focused and went to the bar to tell the bartender.  The bartender had been watching me also.  He came over and asked me to stay till closing and to not leave.  I agreed.  After the bar closed down the bartender and I spent hours talking at the bottom bar.  Then he took me to his place.  I was stunned.  This person seemed to know what I felt, what I needed.  My world was changing and I did not even know it.  The person behind the bar, the bartender was Ron.   

Well I am wrung out.  This is long and it drained me to write it, to remember it, to experience it again.  But it also felt good.  It feels like a boil that just got lanced.  It hurt bad before, it still hurts , but the pressure of it is less.  I know people will want to respond and even ask questions.  That is OK, I am ready for it I think.  I think in some ways it would be helpful.  I can answer at my own pace and do what I need to protect myself, which I can’t do verbally.  If you have read this far, you are a kind generous person.   Thank you.   Hugs

 

The professional bigot’s actions and speech cannot be condoned, but it’s possible to understand where it comes from

Source: I recognize that furious, screaming child that lives inside Milo Yiannopoulos – The Globe and Mail

39 Comments »

  1. As much as I’ve disliked Milo, I’ve never felt anything but pity for him. He has always seemed like an abused child lashing out at the world in anyway he could. Now I know I was right. I never took him seriously because I only saw his rage as an expression of some deep trouble inside him, unlike tRump who’s pure, unfettered evil is all he is or ever can be. His choice to deal with his pain the way he did has more than likely, now, made his isolation and pain worse. Hopefully, he’ll grow from this and face his inner demons head on rather than continue to lash out at the outside world in such a hateful, disturbing way. If he doesn’t I think his future will be quite bleak.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by inspiredbythedivine1 — March 2, 2017 @ 13:31

    • Well said Jeff. I just never put the bits together. I wondered how he could hate himself so much to stay and support people who clearly did not like him. Like you said it all makes sense now. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 2, 2017 @ 13:37

    • as a homosexual that knows how to lash out and be shocking and provocative,
      milo is a drama queen that wishes he were as successful as his idol,
      the ugliest tranny that ever walked the planet, ann coulter.
      it makes a lot of income being horrid.

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by theliesofcjpearson — March 2, 2017 @ 13:40

      • That is sad isn’t it. He must really hate what and who he is. Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 2, 2017 @ 13:55

      • Ann Coulter is most definitely on ugly, nasty piece of work. I’ve no pity for her.

        Liked by 2 people

        Comment by inspiredbythedivine1 — March 2, 2017 @ 14:01

      • I also can’t stand her. I won’t wish her harm but I won’t tolerate her. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Scottie — March 2, 2017 @ 14:03

      • one Halloween I was in drag as ann coulter.” I acted like a total asshole all nite. won first prize.

        Liked by 2 people

        Comment by theliesofcjpearson — March 2, 2017 @ 14:16

      • 🙂 Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 2, 2017 @ 14:19

  2. unable to read this at this time. makes me relive mine. yes, milo is a real problem. “professional bigot” yes, that’s him.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by theliesofcjpearson — March 2, 2017 @ 13:37

    • Please be safe, it far more important than reading my post. Just skip it instead of putting yourself through bad memories. As for Milo, I never realized he was trying to get the poison out by throwing it at all others. Now that he is isolated and in a corner, maybe he will have time to get help. BE well. I care. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 2, 2017 @ 13:39

  3. I read this many many times before I responded. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything and that I heard every single word you typed. First, I understand what you meant when you sent the email and she replied that she wanted to talk and how you writing it down in an email was all you could do right then. Sometimes saying the words outloud is not what we are ready for. I have only said the words outloud a few times. It takes great courage to write them, to get them out. I had to start with that because that deserves recognition! I hope that after you told her that you couldnt talk about it, and wanted her to drop it, that she did.
    The second part you wrote about where sex wasn’t a fantasy like for every other teenager for you because it was all control and authority. I really understood that. You look at all these other kids and wonder why is this not this way for me!
    Also i knew what it felt like to feel owned by someone. As I keep reading I can keep relating.
    That was horribly sad to read about how you felt that even the teacher had no use for you. Being abused makes every connection and every relationship so confusing. You wrote this in a way that makes it painfully clear to everyone reading how confusing sex becomes after abuse and I really appreciate you coming forward with this in such detail. I have found people rarely understand the confusion of sex after abuse and I surely cannot explain it but you have done so here. I wonder if I can reblog you post or if it is something you want just personally for your blog.
    When you were 18 and he was 25, the man you met , that is absolutely heartbreaking. Even though you wrote it was consensual and he was gentle I feel like he had no real respect for you as person and he didn’t honor you or help foster an environment where you could have a healthy relationship.he may have been young but I do not excuse his insensitivity. You deserved so so much better. Seems he was mostly thinking of himself. I’m not so fond of this person!!!!!
    How you met Ron just touched my heart. It was so fate. So meant to be. But just, the picture you painted of that bar and how the sleezy guy was around. It just reminds me of my life. There were so many sleezy guys around every corner and finding the diamond among them was a miracle. I am so happy you have found true love. A love that heals and a love that allows you to be who you are and honored and respected.
    I am sure you were exhausted after you wrote this. The emotional strength, even the physical feelings the body feels remembering are hard. But what you wrote was powerful. Sending love and hugs to you!

    Like

    Comment by bethanyk — March 3, 2017 @ 22:12

  4. I didn’t actually watch the video about Milo….I cared more about you and what you had to say. But I will later

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by bethanyk — March 3, 2017 @ 22:13

    • Hello Bethany. Thank you very much for you comments. They were very helpful and heartfelt. I do want to answer them, but they came in rather late today and I am really tired out. SO I will go to bed and answer them tomorrow. Your comments are grand and I love them. See you tomorrow morning. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 3, 2017 @ 23:33

      • Oh no no please don’t feel you need to answer anything! I don’t want you to feel burdened to reply or to respond in any way that makes you have to think about it anymore if you don’t want to.
        You have always been there for me with such love and support. I wrote to you out of true support and care and honor to your truth and your life story. Please don’t feel you need to answer anything! Night night. Sleep well.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 3, 2017 @ 23:37

      • Hello Bethany. I have a huge problem. I have lost your comments. I want to post them, they were great. They explain things I couldn’t. I also did want to respond. Can you resend what you wrote if it doesn’t hurt you. Don’t stress or go to a bad place in your memories, but it was important. I can’t figure out how they disappeared. Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 10:31

      • I had this happen 2 days ago!!!! Messages to me were there and then gone and I found them in the trash folder!

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 4, 2017 @ 12:13

      • Thanks. Yes same thing happened, but not trash, they were shifted to spam. I did not do it, so have to say the wordpress gremlin is having fun again. 🙂 Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 12:15

      • I know!!!! I wonder now how many messages Ive never seen!I’m glad you found them 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 4, 2017 @ 12:19

      • Hugs.

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 12:22

      • NO worry I found them

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 10:32

  5. I wrote a reply but I am not sure it is going through…going to try again…First, I understand what you meant when you sent the email and she replied that she wanted to talk and how you writing it down in an email was all you could do right then. Sometimes saying the words outloud is not what we are ready for. I have only said the words outloud a few times. It takes great courage to write them, to get them out. I had to start with that because that deserves recognition! I hope that after you told her that you couldnt talk about it, and wanted her to drop it, that she did.
    The second part you wrote about where sex wasn’t a fantasy like for every other teenager for you because it was all control and authority. I really understood that. You look at all these other kids and wonder why is this not this way for me!
    Also i knew what it felt like to feel owned by someone. As I keep reading I can keep relating.
    That was horribly sad to read about how you felt that even the teacher had no use for you. Being abused makes every connection and every relationship so confusing. You wrote this in a way that makes it painfully clear to everyone reading how confusing sex becomes after abuse and I really appreciate you coming forward with this in such detail. I have found people rarely understand the confusion of sex after abuse and I surely cannot explain it but you have done so here. I wonder if I can reblog you post or if it is something you want just personally for your blog.
    When you were 18 and he was 25, the man you met , that is absolutely heartbreaking. Even though you wrote it was consensual and he was gentle I feel like he had no real respect for you as person and he didn’t honor you or help foster an environment where you could have a healthy relationship.he may have been young but I do not excuse his insensitivity. You deserved so so much better. Seems he was mostly thinking of himself. I’m not so fond of this person!!!!!
    How you met Ron just touched my heart. It was so fate. So meant to be. But just, the picture you painted of that bar and how the sleezy guy was around. It just reminds me of my life. There were so many sleezy guys around every corner and finding the diamond among them was a miracle. I am so happy you have found true love. A love that heals and a love that allows you to be who you are and honored and respected.
    I am sure you were exhausted after you wrote this. The emotional strength, even the physical feelings the body feels remembering are hard. But what you wrote was powerful. Sending love and hugs to you!

    Like

    Comment by bethanyk — March 3, 2017 @ 22:14

    • I want to thank you for your imput. It was grand. I understand parts of what you are going through and parts of what hurts you. I wish I had the power to take that from you. Your comment did two great things for me. It let me know others cared. It also let me know I am not alone how it has affected me. Yes to talk about it, to verbalize it makes it come back harder. I can’t get the words out. Then I flash back and have a mind spasm. So yes I have gotten to where I can type some of it, but not talk about it with anyone.

      Yes The Grand Lady honored my request and she is a wonderful woman who cares deeply for me. I am so lucky to have found so many great people. Ron helped the healing along and for years after years he was the only one who knew. I had stopped self harm, then when I was overstressed I started cutting again. However the people online have helped. Understanding and supporting others has helped me also.

      I want to thank you again for understanding. I will someday talk more later. Right now I just need to try to get away from it all some how. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 10:59

      • I speak in spurts. Just enough to release some of the truth so it doesn’t stay bottled up but not so much that I end up in a tailspin of flashbacks that ruin a few days. My therapist told me the other day that everything in smalll bits helps. So If I write in my blog about abuse then I can’t watch an upsetting movie later or go out to dinner have too much over stimulation.
        It seems, through reading your blog and so many others, and having others comment on mine that we many of us have experienced some of the same abuse and have had the same after affects to overcome. But with tthat we have support.
        I’m glad you have a great friend who respected your wishes. I am sure I don’t speak for myself to say I am honored to read your story and to know what you have had to overcome, to recognize your strength.
        I hope you have a good day!

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 4, 2017 @ 12:18

      • Bethany, you are one of the great ones. You survived, found a wonderful life partner, have a granddaughter, and you are taking back your life. I am glad we found each others blogs. I will be here if you need me, and I think the world of you. Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 12:21

      • Thank you, I feel that for you as well. You are a good person and Iam glad we found each others blogs and I am glad we have good partners in life.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 4, 2017 @ 14:26

      • Thank you. I find it really hard to accept good things about myself. Other see them and say them to me, but my history has made it hard for me to see myself in a positive light. Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 14:36

      • I know. Those negatives out of the mouths of others and out of their actions really do stick. I have the same challenge. My husband thinks I am the greatest thing ever, I don’t see that. So I hear you! I understand.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — March 4, 2017 @ 14:58

  6. I’ve just read your story Scottie, and my heart has broken for what you suffered as a child/young adult. I’m so glad you were able to find Ron and have a loving, lasting relationship with him. That’s no small accomplishment after the abuse and trauma you suffered. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Violet — March 3, 2017 @ 23:43

    • Thank you Violet. Ron has been my love, my life, my rock, the thing that keeps the monsters away. I was not going to go out, then I did, and I was just going to leave and instead went down stairs, I was going to leave and instead sat down and stayed. We both feel we fell in love at first site. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 11:03

  7. I don’t know Scottie;
    I don’t think I had much sympathy for that milo guy. I saw some of what he said. You know, if some backwoods racist says those things I sort of expect it and it’s just the reality of some people. That Milo guy made me feel betrayed. But, I understand what you are saying. I still feel betrayed, but I guess I feel sad for him too. You are right; somewhere in that ball of anger is a kid that was betrayed, hurt, and seeking to strike out. Being empathetic with fuzzy cute things with big eyes and sad expressions is easy. It’s hard to be empathetic with people who say ugly horrible things, who strike out and are mean.
    Scottie, I have said this before and I will say it again: we are who we are because of where we have been and what has happened to us. Somehow you have grown to be a very loving and wonder person. I can’t forgive or excuse what happened to you to bring you to my life, but I can be glad we met and that you are my brother.

    hugs and loves;
    randy

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by randy — March 4, 2017 @ 21:18

    • Hello Brother. I did not explain the beginning of that post well. I included the write up because the author said things about abuse I feel and did not want to type out. I really have little to no feelings about Nasty Spoiled Brat Milo except I did not like how he treated others and what he says about or to them. Being abused doesn’t give you the right to be an ass jerk. There are a lot of abused people who don’t become what he loved being.

      As for what happened to me, I understand what you are saying. I told you before I could be the person they tried to make me, or I could choose to be the person I wanted to be. I chose to be who I wanted to be. While I have trouble seeing the better things about me due to having it constantly drummed into me that I was less than nothing, you have always seemed to see the best in me. I remember the anger you had when I told you about being hung against the wall by my neck. I had long gotten over any anger but you had not had time to yet. You are a great caring person. I also am so glad we met. You have given me so much support, you have cared so much, I feel so close to you. Thanks for being the person you are. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 4, 2017 @ 21:38

  8. Hey Scottie, I actually won’t keep you long. I’ve got two sick kids and hubs is preparing for surgery in a couple of days. Plus it’s late.

    I just want to say that I’m sorry that you were surrounded by foolish people who robbed you of your childhood. I know what it feels like to walk into a room and automatically feel like the most dysfunctional person there.

    You are not alone. You are loved. I can’t imagine going through what you’ve spoken of here. I’m proud of you. I celebrate your courage in sharing this with us. I’m glad that you’re free from the things that haunted you for so long.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Charity Burke — March 5, 2017 @ 00:32

    • Hello Charity. Thank you. Again I am inspired by you. All you are dealing with health wise, sick children, and a husband in need of surgery yet you still think of others. Oh that I could be like that. I wish I could say I an no longer haunted, but sadly the memories and the nightmares never go completely away. But I have not had a nightmare for a long time. PLease what is going on with you? What surgery does your husband need? Do you have a twitter I can follow? Please take care of yourself. You have serious needs your self. Be well wonderful lady. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 5, 2017 @ 09:40

      • Hello friend,

        My oldest had the worst case of food poisoning (Pizza Hut) I’ve ever seen in my life on Super Bowl Sunday. After vomiting and diarrhea and an intense fever all day long, hubs took him to the ER of a children’s hospital for six hours from Monday night into Tuesday morning. He was given an antibiotic and two bags of fluid through an IV because he was so dehydrated. The on call dip shit pediatrician was determined that he had an ear infection and prescribed a high dosage of amoxicilian that he took until Thursday morning. The vomiting went away after Tuesday morning, but the diarrhea was still horrible. Concerned, I reached out to our pediatrician and we saw him first thing on Thursday. He and the nurse training to be a NP didn’t see any signs of an ear infection at all! Obviously, the amoxicilian did more harm than good and I threw it out. My preteen son missed a whole week of school because of that mess. He then missed another day another week and just missed two days this past week because we found out that he has C-diff! My koala is skinny anyway, but this sickness has him down to 96 lbs at 5’5″. He is on a totally different antibiotic now to kill the junk in his body. He’s taking it three times a day for up to two weeks. I will have to give an update to our family pediatrician this Wednesday to track his health.

        My little monkey has been pretty sick with a bad cold. He has really bad seasonal allergies and asthma. He too has missed two days of school this past week. He already takes a powerful inhaler twice a day, Flonase, singular and zyrtec. His throat is swollen and we have to do all we can to make sure he doesn’t get a sinus infection. We also are trying to prevent wheezing due to constricted breathing in his lungs. He’s taking two antibiotic pills once a day for five days along with an additional inhaler every four hours while he’s sick.

        Hubster has had serious nose, allergy, sinus, breathing and snoring issues for years. He has had multiple surgeries for these issues. His CPAP machine has been ineffective because he has a very narrow nostril passage on one side. He finally found an ENT willing to do the necessary work of moving around the structure of his nose to open the air passage for him to breathe and sleep better. He’ll have this done Tuesday. I’m hoping for the kids to be back in school Monday and not miss anymore because he and I have so much to do that day. His surgery is on my therapy day, so, I moved my session to Friday. Luckily, I just saw her this past Tuesday.

        Scottie, the EMDR therapy is doing wonders for me. I’m beginning to trust myself more. I can reflect upon shameful abuse and severe neglect and understand that that was then and this is now. As an atheist I could already do that, but only to a degree. I couldn’t even begin to get my body and emotions to follow suit until recently. My emotions are also understanding that I will never live in those tormenting homes again. I can logically reflect upon my parents, knowing that I haven’t had contact with those clowns in years. That I have no reason to ever see them again. I owe them nothing. And if they are angry with me, well, that’s their issue. Why would I try to please them anyway? I think as abuse victims we get stuck in the mindset that our brain, body and will belong to everyone else, except ourselves. You can see why I was bound to Jesus for decades for religious faith demands mindless surrender. This is bull shit. We matter, and our entire lives belong to us and only to those whom we love and trust, who love and trust us. Randomly trusting people is way over rated. We are to trust ourselves first. When we do, we make healthier decisions for ourselves and healthfully choose the right people to trust.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Charity Burke — March 5, 2017 @ 12:16

      • Wow Charity you have a serious amount going on in your life. So much going on, so many people depending on you for so much to do. It is a good thing you are a mom, I have heard they can do magic. My heart goes out to your children. There are few words of comfort that would help. Again for them to have their mom with them is a grand comfort to them. I won’t bother you with question now, you have enough on your plate. I wish the best for your husband’s surgery and for the young ones to get better. When things slow down to a less frantic pace drop me a line to let me know how things are for you all. I care. Warm healing hugs. Scottie

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Scottie — March 5, 2017 @ 12:36

  9. What if Milo is sincere? Maybe he is not “lashing out” in anger?

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by crazyorgy — April 7, 2017 @ 15:27

    • Then he needs psychological help and therapy. He has issues. Anyone who takes that much pleasure hurting others and spends that much effort causing others pain, has something wrong inside them. I wish him the best. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 7, 2017 @ 15:37


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