Scotties Toy Box

March 23, 2017

Woke up yelling.

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Tags: , , — Scottie @ 08:21

This morning I woke Ron up shouting, because I was having a nightmare about one of my abusers and my abuse.  I was dreaming of the man who adopted me.  HE was in my room putting everything in trash bags.  I did not have much but what I had was important to me.  I had very little, and what I had was old, broken, or hand me down stuff.  If I ever had anything nice it was taken from me.  In my dream I was not a child anymore but an adult.  The man who adopted me told me I was not going to have anything, he was not going to allow me to have anything, he was going to take it all.  I was ordered to take the bags of my stuff out to the trash.  I took the first bag out, then I went back in.  I then did something I never could have done as a kid.  I told him no, I won’t take my stuff to the trash.   Remember in my dream I was not a scared child afraid of what might happen.   I was an adult version of me.  I stood up to him.  I told him no I would not do it.  Then in my dream he gave me orders of what I was to do in the morning.  I told him no, I wouldn’t do it.  He threatened me as he has always done.  Only this time I did not cower.  This is where I shouted out loud and woke both myself and Ron up.   I shouted “Understand this, I won’t do it, I won’t do it”.  I realized I was awake and it had been a dream, and of course I had woken ron.  Ron was talking to me telling me it was OK, I was safe, he was with me.   I told him about the dream and I got up, he went back to sleep.   So maybe this is a good sign.  I am sticking up for myself in my dreams.  I am not letting it happen, not as afraid as I had been as a child.  Only time will tell.  Of course the downside is I am upset this morning.  The good thing is I can get to everyone’s blogs early as I did not get much done yesterday.  Be well and happy.  Hugs 

19 Comments »

  1. Keep thinking positively Scottie 👍

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by The Story Reading Ape — March 23, 2017 @ 08:44

    • Yes, thank you. It was a long time ago and that man is dead, he can only hurt me in my memories now. Be well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 08:51

  2. Dreams are amazing things and seem to be so real, as you say, they can leave you in emotional turmoil for a long time afterwards. Some reckon that dreams are the brain’s way of working through problems, but if you ask me just letting the little voices in my head talk directly to one another instead of always via me would be a better way to stay sane!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Ian Hutson — March 23, 2017 @ 09:35

    • I agree, just cut out the middleman. Be well. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 09:36

  3. It sounds incredibly positive Scottie, which bodes well for the future too.

    – esme hugging him upon the Cloud

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — March 23, 2017 @ 09:36

    • Thank you. I hope so. Rather wiped out right now, having coffee. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 09:37

  4. That is a healing dream. Of course healing hurts, too. 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by heretherebespiders — March 23, 2017 @ 16:30

    • It is good in that respect. Ron said he woke up before I yelled because I was saying words and sounds, so he knew I was having a bad dream, then when I yelled he was going to wake me if I had not woken up like I did. Thanks . Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 16:32

  5. Hi Scottie;
    I am so very proud of you!! I want to hug you so hard right now. No! What a word of empowerment. No!! You can’t tell me what to do…. No!!! I am the boss of me. NO!!!!!

    A very proud hug.
    -randy

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by randy — March 23, 2017 @ 17:27

    • Thank you brother. You know more than anyone online what I went through. Remember when I told you about him holding me off the floor pinned to the wall by my neck. He was a bruiser and even in my nightmares I have never been able to stand up to him. I think it is all the encouragement you have given me over the years. The judge asked about my mental health treatment in my childhood after he got told about my cutting. So it came out a bit. I had not intended to mention it in the hearing, and I did not tell the lawyer, but Ron brought it up and then the judge asked about it. So it reminded me of it. Thanks for all the love and help you have given me. You are really grand. Many hugs and lots of love.

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 17:32

    • Pretty good for a life long bunny. Thank you for all the nights spent worrying about me. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 23, 2017 @ 17:34

  6. Oh My Brother
    I was a two way street, every day, every time. You have been there more than I can say.
    But, bruiser that he was, he can beat up, demand, destroy, but it all gets turned on its ear by simply saying NO. You have beaten him.

    hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by randy — March 23, 2017 @ 17:39

  7. Pity that dream hadn’t come sooner. Even as a child, you might have been able to resist. As a kid I was bullied by a group of three. I had a dream about being attacked by a giant snake; suddenly my fear changed to outrage and I bashed it with a chair whereupon it fled. Somehow, this emboldened me. I then went and stalked the three until I found each alone, one at a time. Then I went for them. Each one was bigger than I, but each one ran away after the briefest of encounters and didn’t come near me again from that time forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by colonialist — March 28, 2017 @ 15:36

    • I am so glad you were able to overcome your bullies. Sadly the dream wouldn’t have helped me, and if I had used the dream or any part of it I would have paid a very high price. I was given more than one broken bone. The man that adopted me use to lock himself in the garage to avoid hurting me. Too bad he couldn’t live in there or take his brood with him.
      Someday I will tell the whole story, but for today I rather enjoy nice people like you. I would enjoy hearing more on your life, please write to me any time you like, I did not find your history on your blog. I do follow it your blog by email. Be well, thank you so much for responding to my post of distress, it does help. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — March 28, 2017 @ 15:51

      • Though people glorify childhood as such a carefree time, it is actually beset with difficulties and adjustments even in an ‘ideally happy’ home. To have to contend with such brutality on top of the other factors which magnify experiences in childhood is horrible to think of.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by colonialist — March 28, 2017 @ 16:43

        • Yes. I adore hearing of the “happy” childhoods some have. I really enjoy them because it helps me imagine if I had such a thing. It gives me a good warm feeling to know not everyone one went through what I did. Ron grew up with a great set of siblings, happy accepting parents. One of his older brothers were gay and so was he, his folks thought nothing of it. It was a happy large home. I listen intently when he talks of those days. many hugs

          Like

          Comment by Scottie — March 28, 2017 @ 17:10

          • Hw things could, and should, have been for you. It takes strength of spirit to come through such a childhood not warped in some way.

            Liked by 1 person

            Comment by colonialist — March 29, 2017 @ 03:35

            • Oh I am not sure I am not a bit off the beam as they say. Hugs

              Liked by 1 person

              Comment by Scottie — March 29, 2017 @ 09:02


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