I am not well, an update



I am not well.  Sorry don’t mean to be a downer.  Just an explanation.    Also note that in the start of the video I mention I don’t know the software and I had intended to include the depression I was slipping into and how it was making it harder to contain the abuse I suffered.  I was going to tell how I have been having nightmares about when I was five and six how I was molested repeatedly and the physical abuse in that time frame.  But as I started to feel worse and worse I felt I wouldn’t even finish the videos so I did not share that part.   I bought the new software so I can do small short videos as typing right now is hard for me and I wanted to save it for comments.   

There are four videos.  The first one was 6 minutes something because I goofed, the rest about 10 minutes each.   I wouldn’t make you suffer from watching a whole nearly 30 minutes of me so you have to decided how much  you want to watch in one sitting.   Thanks for reading and watching.  I am going to post these.   Thanks and hugs.





31 thoughts on “I am not well, an update

  1. bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 20:05

    I’m watching each video and I want to comment after each so I don’t forget….I just watched the first video and I wanted to make a suggestion that I use. I have 2 shower chairs. I have one outside the shower and one inside the shower. So I sit on the one outside the shower and I swing my legs into the shower and then I just my arms and my good leg, righty, to briefly stand, in the shower before sitting onto the shower chair in the shower. That is the best way I can maneuver while using the shower when lefty is not cooperating. Lefty is atrophied as you know and also the hip bone and the femur have -3.3 in the scale of osteoporosis so I am always very careful. Also. I have barstools all over the house. Ones that are the height that I don’t have to use a lot of energy of my quad to stand. If i get tired at any point there is a barstool. One in bathrooms, in kitchen, etc. if i sit on the recliner I have to use too much strength to get up so this is helpful. Just a. Tip i have used along the way I wanted to share.
    I have to make dinner but then I will move through the rest of the videos because I am planning to watch them all tonight.
    Oh also….I also am having a hard time getting through the blogs I usually do. I used to read tons, but I will get on one and we will start exchanging conversation and go back and forth and i will then read the other posts they wanted me to and by that time hours have passed and I’ve become tired so I’ve ended up only reading a few blogs a day lately. I did read your precious one with the cat on your head AND I just got your email but I haven replied yet. I will. I thank you for that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 21:32

      Thank you for the tip. We have a stool in the bathroom for me to use at the vanity to shave and stuff. The problem is the bathroom has a round shower. So a shower seat fits in, but is awkward to use and you can’t stand up. Ron has found bath stools, like you suggested, online. I just have to order one. I will soon. Ok, going to bed soon. I hope your dinner was good. Hugs.


  2. Randy July 7, 2017 / 20:15

    Hello My Brother;
    I know you are having a great deal of challenges, but I love how you take the sunny look on things. I could see you winding down as the videos went on, but you pushed on. I think that is one of the things that surprises somepeople when you say you have it good, and they can see your struggles. But, you inspire me to always put the good foot forward, to push on, to see the good in life, to love. I love that about you!
    I am off for the weekend if you would like to talk. Otherwise, I want you to rest and be well.

    Hugs and loves;

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 20:57

      Hello Randy, my wonderful grand brother. You are the best. I just told Bethany how we talk all the time and it helps. Ya I have to rest, was going to stay in bed, but figure I will get back in a bit. Like to sit up for a while. I find if I sometimes fall asleep in the bed while I am using the Pad to read blogs. We will chat tomorrow sometime. I hope Gracie wasn’t too scared of the fireworks. Loves and hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  3. bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 20:16

    Video 2 OMG not catching things is an understatement for this PA…..the vomiting and the sweating and the bloodsugar oh my oh my oh my and then the GI bleed oh my again. And let me tell you. I KNOW this difficulty in trying to maneuver with a leg that won’t work and someone saying oh just use your arms. Well I certainly cannot because of my spine pain and because i have muscle weakness in my arms and because my one shoulder is bad. So wheelchair necessity for outings but I know exactly how you feel because that means someone has to push you!!! Which is why I got the motorized scooter. Fortunatley my husband can lift it because we cannot afford a lift for the car. But what I am saying is dang it. So much piled on top of each other is something I know can be so very overwhelming and then to have a doctor or a PA not check up on the previous things that NEED to not be overlooked…..oh how frustrating. Ok i was going to watch 2 after I cooked but then I just needed to watch 2 first. Now I’m going to cook but. Iwill be back. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 20:31

      Hello Bethany. I knew you would understand with all you are facing. It is just getting too much. It has gotten worse every year, and the good time less. I just want someone to put the pieces together and give me some reason,and treat that. Right now they are treating individual symptoms and it is leading to one doctor undoing or creating problems for another doctor, with my body and me suffering. Oh well it could be worse. I do hope you get your dinner. I think now you understand why I said I would come help but not sure how much help I could be. Thank you. Hugs


  4. bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 20:29

    Video 3. I really cannot believe how much you and I have in common from the nerve pain to the vitamin deficiencies to the doctors referring out to here and there and everywhere and no one putting it all together. For heaven’s sake people put it together. I even went the mayo clinic and she didn’t know. I had too low phosphorus but then I was peeing out too much but the next month it was fine. Then I had vit d deficiency and that caused hyperparathyroidism so I treated that and it was fine which can contribute to bone death and yet my bones still getting worse and al that is normal.
    I am so interested in what blood work they are doing and what they are thinking an dpondering and what muscle issue you are being tested for. For a while now i wished they had done a muscle biopsy to see if you had a muscle disease but i know with blood sugar issues healing is an issue. Oh my hugs hugs hugs to you!!!!!! Wanting to hear the last video even though you said don’t watch them all at once….here I am watching them all at once because I care about you and you are such an amazing individual that it just hurts my soul, and that is not pity i promise, that is compassion, that you have so much pain and so many varying health issues JUST LIKE ME for so long. I just…my heart truly goes out to you because I just know. Not the blood sugar or the vomitting or the sleeping exhaustion but just the sheer amount of health problems that pile up and being bumped around. Ok i must watch the end in hopes that you give some final answers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 20:43

      Thank you Bethany. You are a very warm and loving person. I don’t know what tests, the doctors office called first thing this morning , like 7:30 AM and said the doctor was sending out a referral for me to an endocrinologist for hormone levels and stuff. They sent me to one a year ago I think . maybe two for thyroid. The endo doc said my thyroid ws messed up but it was caused by my body problems, not the other way around so he did not treat it. Said as soon as they get me stable on the other things the thyroid will settle down. I guess it may have become unsettled again. 🙂 He had sent a lab slip home with us and he faxed the lab this morning and added to them. I know one thing you mentioned was what he was looking at. I have a vit. D deficiency, I have a lot of surplus calcium and have for over the last ten blood tests, yet my bones are dying? So I don’t know what they are looking at, I am just glad he took over my case and is doing the looking. I thank you for the complement. However I think you are far more generous and helpful than I am. You are caring for your daughter and doing things around the house. You fight to make things better for your daughter and husband. How is your daughter now? I do hope she is better. I worry about her with what I read is going on. She has had a hard row. Tell her we are thinking of her and wish her a good recovery. Hugs


      • bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 20:55

        I very much hope they are doing PTH which is parathyroid. If you hve high calcium and low vitamin d it often, as it did with me caused hyperparathyroidism which caused the severe osteoporosis at age 30. I hope since you have endo involved they know what they are doing. I am really glad they are involved in your case.
        I know you are tired so I don’t want you to feel you have to respond if you are too tired.
        My daughter is struggling. She really is. Her doctor has stopped all treatment right now and is only giving her something for her liver to to boost its function to try and help her body get rid of everything that it is struggling to get rid of like the heavy metal toxicity while trying to balance her failing adrenals. Struggling for sure. But she still has a sense of humor thank heavens for that!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 21:03

          Bethany I am tired, but just told Randy I want to stay up a bit. If you can next time you are on your blog, would you send the links to your posts about your daughter’s condition. I read part of one but fell asleep and lost it. I was reading where the doctor has refused treatment to your daughter but had you bring her into the office to tell you. I was steamed. I don’t know how you did not put his eyeballs into his ears. I want to read up on your daughter if I can. What narrow minded self righteous people those medical people were. Hugs.


          • bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 21:15

            I will send you a private email about her. I don’t put all the details about her online. That post was simply about her hospital stay and how they only released her to. Go to a specialist they did not have on hand at the hospital. But the specialist let us come in, then refused to see us, because we had been discharged from her pediatrician due to the fact that I disagreed with her pediatrician saying nothing was wrong with my daughter. If nothing was wrong she would have have then a few days later spent a week in the hospital. But since the pediatrician discharged us, then the other specialist said it was some sort of professional curtesy to the pediatrician that he refused her care. Which he could have called to tell us. But he let us go in there from the hospital and have my husband carry her in just to smug face tell us that he would not see us. I’ve never wished harm on anyone until I met that man. We were in front of our very ill daughter though so I could not very well leap across the table, strangle him, get arrested. That just would not have been good for anyone. But as for her other health issues I will send that in an email. I don’t usually put all of her health details on my blog other than some basics like she has POTS because she gave me permission to put that.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 21:27

              I understand. You do have to have some privacy especially the young. Too many James age , 25, put everything about themselves online not realizing employers and others check the social media. OK, good night. Hugs

              Liked by 1 person

              • bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 21:59

                I just respect her wishes

                Liked by 1 person

  5. bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 20:40

    Ofcourse I understand. You are tired, you are weak, dizzy and in pain. Your top priority is to rest. Please rest. I know you had lots of labs done that you are waiting on and hoping that all of this gets put together to give you some answers while you are preparing for your surgery. I’m thrilled as always that you have Ron as I have my Barry and I know they are helpful with our mobility and our meals. He is making food now actually!
    I took your videos as very informative and educational as to what you are going through and nothing to do with pity at all. Just saying hey guys this is where i am infact it looks much easier to do that than to type all that out. It would have taken forever to type it.
    I look forward to hearing the answers that you get and I hope and pray for healing and will keep you in my thoughts and sending lots of hugs to you.
    I finished the 4th video. I have no idea how you are having quantum physics conversations with anyone!!! My brain capacity is I think at about 11 year old conversation wise. I even told my therapist i am a bit mush.
    But you are just going through so much without a lot of answers just added serious symptoms and i am so hopeful that since you are finally seeing the doctor and NOT the PA and that doctor seems to understand the gravity of this so much that blood labs were ordered immediately, that your will receive some answers. Wishing you the best!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 20:53

      Thank you. I tend to not to give the details, a lot of people can’t handle them, but right now I am at a very low point. I think also you can understand this is when the memories and feelings of the abuse come roaring back on me. I have so many feelings chained up that I lose control over right now. I am getting depressed. Ron was afraid I might start self harm again with everything and how I am feeling. But I am trying to hold on. I have a brother ( The ones we pick for family are far better than the hell spawn we grow up with ) who I talk with and it helps. Thank you. Hugs


      • bethanyk July 7, 2017 / 21:01

        This is something that yes, I can greatly empathize with. When I feel helpless, I feel memories of feeling helpless and it is a cascade of emotions that start happening. I was feeling quite self harmful on tuesday and had to see my therapist. I try to be strong but i will readily admit when i am feeling weak. And lately weakness is at a high point. The unknown, the vulnerability brings back the nightmares and the flashbacks of abuse for me every time.
        My therapists gave me a technique . She said to put it in the palm of your hand, the bad, the memories the people that pop up . Realize you have the power over them in your hand, and then throw them. Throw them away. Visualize them going. Then visualize a boundary around yourself whatever that may be whether it is a soft fluffy boundary or steel wall. Anything to protect you from those memories. Anything to give you safety and just feel that safety and know that even though your body is weak right now you are safe. I lay my head on barry’s chest and that is grounding for me. Maybe you can do that with Ron. I also will have barry put his hand on the top of my chest (higher than breast area) and let me feel the weight of his hand that is grounding me right here in the present moment and keeping me safe. These are some things i have been trying to keep me from self harm. Please hold on. Know that i care too. And i am here.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Scottie July 7, 2017 / 21:24

          Thank you for the palm idea. I had been told by a therapist years ago about the wall technique. What we worked on a lot was the vortex. I get a vortex of the bad feelings and memories and it is like a tornado going into the water with me above the funnel swirling in my head. it is dragging me in to the darkness of howling emotions. We had me build handles I could grab onto to keep from being pulled down and sucked in. The handles were made of people and things that helped me. Ron and I often will hold hands while we sleep. Especially if I am having a bad night. If my sugar is bad Ron will wake up and check I am OK several times a night when home and will get up during the day when he has to work that night, to do the same thing. I love that MIlo insist on sleeping on my pillow and often on my head. No matter where on my pillow he lays he has to be touching me, he loves to touch my face with his paws. Odis insist on laying down at my feet. I don’t mind him touching my legs or feet, but I can’t stand having him put any weight on me. I do have a question. i don’t think I have ever heard you mention your skin. Does your skin hurt if there is any wind blowing on it? I can’t stand to have fans or air conditioning blowing on my skin, it hurts. My skin hurts. If the cats are on me for too long it starts to hurt. A strong wind also hurts. Just wondered, I don’t think I mentioned that to my doctor, guess I should? I forget things, that is one reason Ron comes with me in the exam room, I get confused and don’t understand. Thank you for being a good friend. You care. You really are an amazing person. Your Brother is so wrong about you. You suffered so much , have so many health problems, and your daughter is so ill. Yet with all that you are a grand caring loving person willing to help others. I would say you are an inspiration. Hugs


          • bethanyk July 8, 2017 / 03:46

            Well thank you friend for saying I am an inspiration. My brother is wrong I do agree. He does not know me at all! But you do. And my daughter and my husband do.
            My skin…it burns frequently as if I have a sun burn. Stings. I can’t stand the fan blowing on me and infact that can trigger the trigeminal neuralgia that I have in my face. I would most definitely bring it up to your doctor.
            My last doctor’s appointment I went to it took 2 weeks for me to prepare. I made little lists everytime I thought of something. Like, when is the last time my vitamin b12 was checked, should we check it again? When was the last time my phosphorus was checked? Should we check it again? When was the last time my parathyroid was checked? So I make a list of labs I want checked or repeated. Then I make a list of symptoms with bullet points. Not run on sentences just bullet points. – dramatic hair loss – extreme anxiety at night – tingling in my finger tips that is intermittent …..then I type it and print it and I hand it to the doctor. I did this last time. Just handed her the piece of paper and said here it all is, I cannot remember it all so please write notes that will answer everything as we talk. She did. Then i brought the paper home and i had answers on it. If she hadn’t wanted to i would have read it to her and then i would have written the answers down. But i can’t remember everything and nothing i hate more than leaving and going. Arggggg i freaking forgot to mention that it burns when i pee or that i get weird bruising on my right foot.
            About the cat and your foot. I hate any weight on me of any kind. You know how husbands want to toss a leg over you or thrown an arm over you to snuggle. No way. The weight is unbearable and hurts my body. Even when my dog was in bed with me if she layed against me it hurt my back and skin.
            I understand the tornado of emotions spinning in your head. I have them. I hate them. I try all kinds of things to stop the as you say tornado.
            Speaking of hands too. Even holding hands sometimes feels over stimulating to my nervous system. I will rest my hand on my husbands hand instead. I hope any of this helps.
            Oh but my head ..nothing…if a cat slept on my head i’d be fine. My husband can stroke my hair and it’s fine. I have lots of varying symptoms! I know you know how this is.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Scottie July 8, 2017 / 10:41

              Thanks for the tips. I am use to Ron taking charge and dealing with it. But he is getting older with his own problems and he has so much going on now. He is stressed. You and I have so many of the same symptoms and issues. Everything you mention we have in common. The only difference is while I have muscle weakness I have never been diagnosed with muscle loss. Just general muscle loss, no one has looked at anything specific. Thanks again. Hope you are feeling ok today. Hugs


              • bethanyk July 8, 2017 / 18:12

                Many muscle diseases do not exhibit atrophy. My case is rare.

                Liked by 1 person

                • Scottie July 8, 2017 / 18:15

                  I told Ron about our conversation. He told me my legs have been getting thinner and shrinking for years. He thought I understood that. I just figured I was getting weaker because I couldn’t do the things I use to and my legs hurt. Oh well I have another thing to ask my doctor. Just don’t know what doctors to ask at this point. Hope your doing OK today, and that your daughter is healing. Hugs


                  • bethanyk July 8, 2017 / 21:31

                    My husband told me that the other night. I said, hon look at how bad this leg looks he said, yeah its been like that for a year, i know.
                    My cousin has similar symptoms and they refuse to address her muscle issues because they keep attributing it to her diabetic neuropathy. But she is my cousin. So it is highly likely she has the same muscle disease. There are tons of genetic tests that can be done for diseases of the muscles that cause pain, nerve pain, weakness, cramping.
                    I just read your other message. I have a tremor as well. In my hand. Sometimes eating is a joke!
                    I meant to send you a message earlier, email but myhusband was off today and he and i went for about a 2 hour walk and i spent the morning taking care of my daughter. Will email in a bit

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • Scottie July 8, 2017 / 21:47

                      Hello Bethany . Please don’t worry about the email. Do it when you have time. I am going to go to bed again soon anyway. Hard to keep my eyes open. I was happy to hear you and your husband got to spend some time together. That is really important. I also know how stressing it is to your body to be doing all you are. So please rest and email me when you have more free time. Just know I care. You have given me and Ron a lot to think about. Hugs


                    • bethanyk July 8, 2017 / 22:37

                      Ok. Please rest.
                      I was writing a blog about our walk and the birds. Now I’ve got to get up and feed my sweet daughter who is finally able to eat dinner. Talk to you soon

                      Liked by 1 person

            • Scottie July 8, 2017 / 10:44

              My problem holding hands is I shake and jerk. It feels as if my hand is moving a little all by itself. It drives me nuts after a little bit. I don’t notice it if my hand is not being held. and it has to be my hand. If Ron misses and gets my arm it triggers me and I have to deal with both anxiety and physical issues. But my hands spasum on their own. My Neuropathy has gotten worse and it is another thing the PA never addressed. Gotta remember to tell the new doc. Thanks for the suggestion. Hugs


  6. Esme upon the Cloud July 9, 2017 / 15:49

    So often I have found that specialist doctors won’t look at the big picture; they are so compartmentalised, and like you say, aren’t interested in connecting together the dots to see what the picture might be! Drives me nuts too dearie at times. The body should be looked at and treated as a whole, for it is one machine with many parts and they often affect each other. Back anon to watch the rest dear Scottie, love your clouds at the beginning!

    – esme hugging Scottie and nodding along but enjoying his smiles through it all upon the Cloud ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Scottie July 9, 2017 / 16:13

      Thank you for the hugs. Your hugs are grand. Returning hugs and asking if you want some coffee? Hugs


    • Scottie July 9, 2017 / 16:36

      Thank you about the opening. I am trying to figure out the new program I bought. I can do it with just my voice and any pictures I want. It has a whole bunch of features, but I don’t even understand the words, much less the actions. 🙂 Hugs


    • Scottie September 22, 2020 / 06:54

      Hello Meeka. Thank you. Those videos were done back in 2017. I was struggling and in a very bad place. I am much better now, I think. Best wishes. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.