Scotties Toy Box

August 13, 2017

The Halloween I don’t remember

Filed under: News — Scottie @ 23:17

I am posting this again because I am having nightmares and bad dreams of my childhood and my abuse. In truth they never seem to leave me, just lessen in strength and then build in intensity again. This was not the most traumatic event to happen to me at this time in my life. In fact this was years into the worst of the abuse at home. That is why when I finally was able to share / write it. If this seems detached and vague it is because this was the only way I could deal with it at the time I wrote it. I am surprised I could write it at all. I know my mind and body wants to scream I was raped and hurt, but also my mind wants to shut it down, hide it deep and deny I was raped and hurt. I guess it is hard to understand. So in my first attempts to share ( because they said if I voiced it /shared it I would heal ) my childhood. So right now I am dealing with the aftermath of surgery on my left hip. I was put in a leg immobilizer and nearly went insane because of it. To be restrained like that I was flashing constantly , living in my nightmares. Anyway. IF you can comment please do. IF this is too much for you, know it is OK to hit like to let me know you were here and to save yourself from dealing with it. Bad enough I have had to , not willing to drag anyone else in with me. Hugs

Scotties Toy Box

I was about 7 as best I can remember, maybe 8 but more likely 7 years old that Halloween.  My family had moved to a small farming town, very rural, and I knew no one.  That was OK, I stayed to my self normally anyway.   Lots of farms and fields and I roamed them freely, I loved to see the cows and horses, and other animals.  My parents had friends who had a boy my age or younger, and a teenage girl .  I did not know any of them.

These people had a very large ranch house with a very large basement.    The man worked for the richest man in the area, a lumber mill owner, as his plant manager.  Next to where they lived was some big fields, and their second driveway went past the house to the horse barns and the chicken coop, some other buildings.  It…

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  1. I read the old post. What a horrible thing to happen to a child, especially since you didn’t really even know what was happening until it was too late. It’s so sad that we live in a world where we can’t trust strangers to respect boundaries.

    Kathrin —

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by KathrinS — August 14, 2017 @ 11:22

    • Hello Kathrin. The worse truth is I couldn’t trust the people I grew up with and the ones who raised us to respect boundaries. Be well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — August 14, 2017 @ 11:24

  2. Hello My Brother;
    A fair bit ago I banged my foot up pretty good. Hurt like hell. I used a few choice words, and some came out all on their own. Now, there is a bit of a lump. A bit of a scar. I walk with a bit of a limp until the tendons warm up and the pain goes away a bit. People ask me “why you walking this way” and I have a story (usually a take from Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein) I have a bit of a lump and a bit of a scar. It all makes sense. No one ever says to me, “oh, just get over it. You just need to walk right, without a limp, even when it hurts and the tendons are tight and it doesn’t flex, just walk it off”. It’s understood… a bit of damage there, a bit of a scar and a lump, dude walks with a limp for a bit.
    Some scars are harder to see. Sometimes the hurt isn’t so obvious and the painful story isn’t so easy to tell. Sometimes the hurt is just there, and it makes no sense to us. We can’t walk it off, it won’t just go away. And, it sometimes helps to tell our story, to show the scar the only way we can, to let others know that we are hurt, that others hurt sometimes and it’s ok to hurt. Sometimes the limp isn’t how we walk down THE road, but how we walk down OUR road…. and yet we walk on! We are hurt, scarred, but we are not beaten. We are not overcome. We are not weak because there is a scar, we are stronger because we have survived the hurt, survived the pain, survived and We Walk On.
    I send you love and hugs my brother.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Randy — August 14, 2017 @ 20:15

    • Thank you my brother. You have been such a help and comfort to me. As you know sometimes this issue gets really bad for me, at other times it fades into the background. I think with the hip being as it is, the increased pain and lack of being able to move correctly has brought the abuse to the front of my mind and emotions. I know the bad dreams and nightmares have gotten nearly constant the last two weeks. On another note. I spent most of today in bed and may go to bed early. I over did on the weekend, I pushed too hard and my leg, knee, and ankle were all swollen and very painful this morning. It has come down a bunch by staying in bed. I slept next to ron as he slept for work tonight. It was great and I did not have bad dreams either. Thanks again. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — August 14, 2017 @ 20:24

  3. Oh my god I did not even think about the restraint on your leg and how that would make you feel held down and trapped. It is these kinds of things we could not even anticipate . These kinds of triggering events bring up such pain and memories that the nightmares bring forth again against our will because who wants to dream about these things.
    I am feeling deeply for you right now. My heart and soul go out to you and I want to just hold that little boy who is you and say that I am there and it is ok now and I will keep you safe and no one will hurt you again.
    I just know that deep in your gut pain of remembering what you don’twant to.
    It is so amazing that you have written this now because it was going through my mind, as you can see it is 3 am and Iam awake thinking that maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe it just wasnt that bad. I had this moment of strange denial because knowing it WAS that bad is hard to feel and face. So what i am saying is it is not hard to understand wanting to just shut it down and yet it rears its ugly face and we have to feel it and it is agonizing. I wish i could have been there. I wish i could have protected you. I am so sorry that anyone ever hurt you. I would hug you right now if you were here.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by bethanyk — August 15, 2017 @ 03:31

    • Thank you Bethany. I understand what you are saying. Somehow our facing it seems like a trial of ourselves instead of sympathy for us. Facing our hurts seems like the final mountain to high to try to climb. But with support and care from each other and our true loved ones we can do it. We are all different. I was in several weeks of bad emotional turmoil following what happened at the hospital. Ron was getting very worried. But I pulled through it. I will have much better control of the situation if I ever go in again. I will be in charge and won’t be at the mercy of people who don’t understand why I am crying and pleading things they have no clue are responses to abuse from more than 40 plus years ago. I am grateful for your support and your caring nature but please don’t let yourself be triggered on my account. I would feel horrible if I were to cause you any more pain, you have had enough in your life. Be well. Best wishes for your daughter and husband. And thank you again for the hugs. I know that little boy who spent so much time so afraid would also be grateful. A hug without having to give up his body in return did not happen often. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — August 15, 2017 @ 09:12

      • I am not triggered by your account. I simply FEEL for you and I am actually so glad you have written this because it helps me to understand my own issues a little bit better. When i had a grand mal seizure i had no idea why I woke up and saw so upset that all of these people were over me and i was hooked up to machines that I had no idea how they got there bc i was unconscious. So your honesty here and sharing of your story helps me to understand why. It also helps me to set up boundaries of what to tell people when or if this happens again to me. So thank you.
        I thought about the hug part too. I was not often hugged genuinely, unconditionally, as a child either. And I am so sorry you did not have that either. Wish I had been there for you. Just imagine I am hugging that little boy now, swooping him up and taking him away to protection. Maybe it will soothe the memory some. Maybe.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by bethanyk — August 15, 2017 @ 13:30

        • Thank you Bethany. Your kindness is wonderful. We live in a strange world you and I and those like us. I think being abused is a subject to tell because it has so many issues that come with sharing and healing. I read of your “walks” on your blog and I understand the need to somehow get your mind / emotions on something else. People wonder why I have to have near constant mental stimulation, and why I carry my Ipad with me everywhere. If I don’t have something to concentrate my mind on, sometimes the memories roar into the front of my mind. It is numbing, it can totally take you out of reality and you are there again. Anyway. Again thank you. You are such an understanding person. With all you have suffered, and all the stress on you right now, you still have time to help others. Your grand. Hugs


          Comment by Scottie — August 15, 2017 @ 13:46

  4. Thank you for having the strength to tell this, I dare not imagine what it must take to live thru it again thru writing, I hope that in someway even if only in the slightest degree you’ve found some sort of comfort from doing so

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Cory Melancon — August 18, 2017 @ 16:00

    • Thank you Cory. It is the responses of everyone that makes it worthwhile. See some people who were also victims of sexual abuse contact me and we grieve together. Some people who read my history then have a different view of victims, and they can help others better. Sadly We all know someone, maybe many , who were abused or raped. Yes we all have people in our circle of friends that carry that secret and it hurts them. For them to be able to count on you is a great gift and relief. It is a hard burden to carry Cory. Many people see a person they know differently when they know they were abused and maybe what some of the abuse was. I have lost people I thought were friends when they found out. I hope that time is long gone and we have grown up since then. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — August 18, 2017 @ 16:07

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