Scotties Toy Box

January 8, 2018

My thoughts and rant on the subject of suicide.

Filed under: My Life and Rants, opinion, Reason, You Tube — Scottie @ 10:52

I was recently asked to do a video on suicide.  The subject was more than could be covered on one video by me.  I broke the issues down into three videos.  This is the first one.  As always I welcome your thoughts, your opinions, your ideas.   Be well and happy.   Hugs


  1. I am a suicide survivor. My first wife committed suicide with a shotgun as I was trying to talk her down behind a locked door. She had a history of depression and other personality disorders. I think the diagnosed term was schizoaffective disorder, which basically is a hodge podge pot luck accumulation of several personality disorders. Not to mention a penchant for prescription drugs.

    She had her good days. We had good days. But the flip side was a lot of verbal assault, picking hundreds of fights over nothing out of the blue, a laundry list of abuse that would take days of explaining to get the point across. I felt like a prisoner of war. We had 2 kids, that I toughed it out for. Else I would have cut ties and moved on. It was a nightmare.

    Anyway, she took her life, as I was doing my level best to keep her from it. At one point I heard her shift position, and I cannot see through doors, but I knew the gun was pointed at me. I could feel it. I moved sideways a bit into a bathroom and squatted, as I continued to try and talk her down. I heard her snicker a bit. She knew from my voice I had moved away from the door. A few moments later it was over. It was damn close to being 2 dead that night.

    What can I tell someone from my experience? First someone that commits suicide is committing the greatest act of selfishness imaginable. It is all about them and damn anyone who cares. Our kids were in the house. Nuff said.

    Secondly, at least in my case, once a suicide candidate decides to actually FOR REAL, go through with it, there may not be any words that can be said to stop it.

    Thirdly, I have come to understand that anyone who using the S word in any context, is a cry for help. She had a grandmother that committed suicide that she would bring up from time to time, she threatened it herself too at times. I repeat, anyone using the S word needs help.

    Just a few weeks ago my son got a text from a friend. It was out of the blue, went on and on about the pressure from his father, and why wouldn’t he accept him for who he was. My son read that text to me. I responded that this was a cry for help. You need to tell him that you don’t know what the hell is going on, but he needs to talk to someone. And if he wants to talk you, that would be cool.

    They have become pretty good friends since. I only hope my son doesn’t learn about this sort of hardship in life, the hard way. No crystal ball will help.

    I also had a good friend who went through suicide with a long time ago. I knew he had a drinking problem, and we drifted a little because of it. But I did not see it coming. I didn’t see my wife’s coming either really. Even knowing a person is a good candidate for making the attempt, it is hard to know when, or where, or if, they will actually do it. And you can’t live your every moment worried about “might.” Life is too demanding for that, you have to keep on trucking, and dealing with problems as they come. You can’t see them all coming, and you sure as hell can’t stop them from happening.

    If any other suicide survivor reads this, I can say that the time worn adage, that time heals all wounds, seems pretty fucking lame. But it is true. You don’t ever recover fully from something like this, memories will sneak up on you, but time certainly helps. Just keep trucking, it will get far enough in the rear view eventually, that things feel normal again.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by shelldigger — January 8, 2018 @ 17:42

    • Heart-wrenching … but so glad to know you’ve pulled through it all and by all indications seem to be a pretty damn good person.

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Nan — January 8, 2018 @ 17:52

      • Thanks Nan. I’m no saint by any means, but I do know how to keep on keeping on.

        I’m going to steal Scotties line. Hugs. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        Comment by shelldigger — January 8, 2018 @ 18:08

    • Hello Friend. I thank you for your comment and sorry it had to be a first hand experience for you. I never even thought of the selfish point of suicide. I cannot begin to understand or imagine how traumatic it would to have someone commit suicide as you were trying to help them. I did address that I felt it was a cry for help. I also hope your son will not suffer from this experience of helping another person. I fell as I said in the video that if someone really wants to kill themselves they will find a way to do it. I also did not address the failed attempts. I did mention that ll circumstances are different and I would take different actions based on the event at the time. I worry myself about making the situation worse. It is a strange thing, I have wondered in the past about not being, even wanted to not be during the worst of time in my life, but I never thought of ending my life my self.

      Again I am sorry for what you went through. I am glad you wrote, and I hope if someone one who needs your words comes and reads them. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — January 8, 2018 @ 18:02

      • It is a complex potpourri of emotion, personal issues, personality disorders, guilt, shame, despair, selfishness, so many things that all distill down to a suicide, or an attempt.

        Yes it is a traumatic experience. No doubt.

        Part of the reason I replied was for that someone who could come by, and maybe need to hear what I had to say.

        One more thing Scottie… get a haircut you damn hippie! 😉

        (I get a haircut once every 6 or 8 months whether I need one or not)

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by shelldigger — January 8, 2018 @ 18:22

        • The hair cut could be a problem. My spouse cuts my hair and always has for 27 plus years. Even when I was going to the barbershop Ron would “correct” the cut himself. Now he has trouble cutting hair. He suffers from tremor and shakes, his fingers are stiffening, and it is harder for him to do. Yet he refuses to not cut my hair, and I love him to much to complain about the hits to the scalp with the scissor tips and the missed cut spots. my ears have paid a price for his wanting to trim around them. 😃😄 So he will suddenly decide it is too long and we spend an uncomfortable length of time in the bathroom cutting my hair. At other times he will simply tell me I don’t need it trimmed until it gets longer. I long ago gave up control of my hair. Thanks again for sharing your personal experiencece. Be well. Hugs


          Comment by Scottie — January 8, 2018 @ 18:30

          • That is a great story Scottie. Dedication like that is hard to find.

            Hugs back at ya man.

            Liked by 1 person

            Comment by shelldigger — January 8, 2018 @ 18:34

  2. Incredible video friend thank you for honoring my request, I think on all points we agree, I’m so glad you didn’t leave it at the surface level it’s truly deeper than that on so many levels….

    There was one thing I was curious about that was left out, sorry if it is too much but with the events you’ve had in your life have you ever considered it, especially during your more traumatic times…

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Cory Melancon — January 14, 2018 @ 10:42

    • I said in the video there have been times when I in my life ( like when I was being abused or raped ) that I wished I was not. Simply not existing. not able to feel the pain or hurt. Not having the fear. But I never thought about actively ending my life. I died ( clinical death ) and I did like the peace and lack of pain. But again it happened to me, I did not cause it. Hope this helps. If not I will try to explain further. Never fear to ask a question. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — January 14, 2018 @ 11:06

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