Scotties Toy Box

September 27, 2018

My answer to Nan, and about a sexual assault . Too long for a comment.

Filed under: Music Video, News — Scottie @ 20:32

I understand Nan, but in the back of my mind was the abuse I suffered and when I told as a child I was laughed at. I understand why a person doesn’t come forward. I never did again until I was 1570 miles away and nearly in my 50’s. I got upset every time a republican asked her why she waited so long to come forward, yet at the same time they refused to let an even few days for an FBI investigation.  I started shouting at the monitor.

That was Ron’s concern, I was being triggered. Do you know it took me ten years to even tell my loving husband of the abuse I endured? So many years and he already figured it out.

You are correct. But I think he is a horrible man who did what he is accused of. And he will be on a court that may hurt many, female rights, and my marriage rights.

Again rape or sexual assault doesn’t get easier to deal with over time. It stays with you. I heard Prof. Ford. I understood her. I think she is telling the truth, and he is not.

You know I have a memory that scares me. I had just flown in to La airport and I was a country boy that had never experienced a city on my own. I had all my belongings in a duffel bag and I was in my military dress. As I stood there confused and trying to figure out how the heck to get to my assigned ship, a man came up to me. He as about 40 or maybe 30 years old.
He was a from palm springs he claimed.
He did not seem in away threatening to me. He asked me where I needed to be and offered to get us a hotel for the night and he would set me where I needed to go.

You guessed correctly. After we got to the room he he asked me if I would like something to drink, such a nice man. He went and got some ice and the coke I asked for. I was thinking what a wonderful thing I ran into this man who would help me get to my ship. I remember him on the other bed smiling and talking as my eyes grew heavy and closed.

The next morning I woke, my clothes were on the floor, and everything was so hazy. Yes I had been given the date rape drug. I could tell you personal things but I just want you to know the areas of my body that would have been involved were sore.

The man was gone when I woke up. It was late. I frantically called a few numbers I had for the ship I was to go to. They told me to get on bus Number ###

I then went to the desk of the hotel and went to pay, and they told me my father had paid already and they had been told to get me to the bus I needed. ??? My father???

The thing is it took years later for the pieces of memories to come back. I for years told the story of the great man who came up to me in the L.A. Airport to give a naive young sailor a room and advice. Then slowly the memories came back. I have glimpses of things I wont describe. This was in early 1982. I was 18 going on 19. I had no idea of rape drugs, I had no idea to question adults who offered me things like to help me get a room at night or to my assignment. The thing is I still have the address book I carried with me and I scrawled in it some really strange thing that night.

My point is that people did not tell. I did not. Well I did once as a child, got laughed at and the abuse got worse. I never told again. I have been as I have mentioned on this blog taken sexually against my will as an adult also. But I never told of this. Why. Why do people who are abused not speak up? Because part of it is fear we wont believed. But for me the real fear is I would then not be thought of as a man. I was so young, so desperate to be taken as a man, so desperate to be taken as an adult. So no I did not tell.

I can only think it is much worse for a woman. So much harder. So much social baggage to endure. I just read statistics that say 1 in 4 females are abused. One in four. Look around you and if you are in a group of four, one of you has been abused. It is one in six for males.

Damn this hearing got to me more than I realized. Sorry Nan, but I can not unload on you this way. I will make this a separate post. I respect you far too much to do that to you. So let me copy and past this and then make another comment to you. Hugs and loves.

That was Ron’s concern, I was being triggered. Do you know it took me ten years to even tell my loving husband of the abuse I endured? So many years and he already figured it out.

You are correct. But I think he is a horrible man who did what he is accused of. And he will be on a court that may hurt many, female rights, and my marriage rights.

Again rape or sexual assault doesn’t get easier to deal with over time. It stays with you. I heard Prof. Ford. I understood her. I think she is telling the truth, and he is not.

 

My point is that people did not tell. I did not. Well I did once as a child, got laughed at and the abuse got worse. I never told again. I have been as I have mentioned on this blog taken sexually against my will as an adult also. But I never told of this. Why. Why do people who are abused not speak up? Because part of it is fear we wont believed. But for me the real fear is I would then not be thought of as a man. I was so young, so desperate to be taken as a man, so desperate to be taken as an adult. So no I did not tell.  Today I really don’t care what another may think of my gender or masculinity.  Deal with what I do daily and then see what you think.  Of better yet pull some hurtful crap to others who can not defend themselves and see If I do not beat you with my cane.

I can only think it is much worse for a woman. So much harder. I really have no idea but think it must bee so much worse.  So much social baggage to endure. I just read statistics that say 1 in 4 females are abused. One in four. Look around you and if you are in a group of four, one of you has been abused. It is one in six for males.

Damn this hearing got to me more than I realized. Sorry Nan, but I can not unload on you this way. I will make this a separate post. I respect you far too much to do that to you. So let me copy and past this and then make another comment to you.

Hugs and loves.

 

 

17 Comments »

  1. So sorry you had to deal with this Scottie. I never realized you went through that. I can only imagine how horrible that must have been. This shouldn’t have happened to you or anyone for that matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Rudeboyrg — September 27, 2018 @ 22:18

    • Thank you Rudeboyrg. Thank you I was sexually , and physically abused from my earliest memories. If you go back in my blog you will find where in the first grade my adoptive parents were accused of child abuse.

      Shit this is the third time I am trying to respond. It is hard when you spend your life denying something to then agree to show it. I have posted on my blog how I was abused for my first memories of childhood. I posted about my rape at 7 years old, on Halloween and I was already raped before that.

      Hey thanks, I am struggling tonight. Really trying my best to hang on. I thank you for the comment and I need to go and stop thinking. No not stop thinking, but simply stop being.
      God’s no I am not about to suicide. I just have to find a way wot get my mind in a neutral gear. It gets harder everyday I hear about bigotries. I simply want to shut down , yet I force myself to go forward. Sometimes I dream of the simplicity of endless sleep. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — September 27, 2018 @ 22:42

    • Have you ever tried to drink enough to forget…and yet every station on TV and every online TV show is about sexual abuse int eh teen years. I think I am going to not be able to walk if this keeps up. 😜😃😄😎Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — September 27, 2018 @ 22:46

  2. I understand all you say completely. I’ve been through similar things in life. I only go into great detail on them in therapy. I’m not comfortable anywhere else doing so. As you say, victims are laughed at, not believed and blamed. Dr. Ford is a warrior to do what she did. Through group therapy settings, survivor support groups, and my own work in social services for over 20 years, I’ve meet numerous survivors of a plethora of different kinds of abuse. Do you know how many of them pressed charges or even filed complaints with the cops? 0. Absolutely no one I’ve ever meet has come forth publicly with their stories, and I’ll tell you, many of the things I’ve heard over the years are so abominable they’d make your skin crawl. You’re brave just to mention your story here, Scottie. Yesterday was triggering for a great many survivors around the world. That a woman like Dr. Ford can be taken so lightly and attacked so harshly by our fine Christian, repuke Senators, shows you exactly why so many victims remain silent. I could not do what Dr. Ford did. My rage at the disgusting show put on yesterday by our Christian, white, privileged Senators is not describable. They are despicable, horrid, creatures, and, sadly, they’ll continue to get their way until enough people see them for what they are: little spoiled brats in 75 year old white, rich bodies who whine like bitches in heat when they don’t get their way. With 50 percent of the country seeing them as persecuted innocents, I think we are very, very far from ever healing the wounds such creatures cause. Bravo to you, Scottie for sharing this. You’re a stronger man than I.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by inspiredbythedivine1 — September 28, 2018 @ 08:27

  3. Scottie, I cannot “like” this post because there is simply too much pain and anguish behind your words. But I do appreciate you boldly presenting your experiences because, as Jeff said, you’re not alone. And by sharing, there are countless unknown, unseen, and silent individuals that will identify with your words. Sending warm thoughts on continued healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Nan — September 28, 2018 @ 11:50

    • Thank you Nan. It is a emotional roller coaster day today. We all heal in different ways. I am at a point in my healing that when it over whelms me I feel a need to express it some where. The memories will always be with me, the best thing for me is to not dwell on them and to as quick as possible to distract my mind when they come flooding up. I have told people it is like a whirling vortex that I have to shut down before it drags me in and I can’t stop it. I have memories in my head I can’t get rid of and they surface when they will. The hearing just put me in a tail spin. And it seems we all went through that for not as they are still going ahead with the vote. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — September 28, 2018 @ 11:57

  4. We can all hope that the FBI does its job well. This guy has egg on his face, there’s no question. On another note Scottie, there is an address to send a thank you card to Dr. Ford going around on FB. I plan to write and say what others have said here on your blog. She did something many others just cannot do; the emotional turmoil is just too much.
    Hugs back to you and anyone else who is suffering emotionally because of this scenario playing out before the world. I can only sympathize and wish things could be different for you.

    Like

    Comment by carmen — September 29, 2018 @ 05:55

    • Thank you Carmen. It is wonderful that you will write to her. She is an incredibly strong person to relive it all in front of everyone like that. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — September 29, 2018 @ 07:20

  5. Hi Scottie.

    I’m late reading this post.i don’t know how to respond and I certainly don’t want to ‘like’ it.

    I guess I just want you to know that I read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by limey — October 1, 2018 @ 09:46

  6. “rape and sexual assault don’t get easier to deal with over time” #TRUTH!!!

    My rape was when I was 14 and I’m 34 now. Yes it’s easier to talk about, yes I don’t fall apart so easily, yes there are many triggers still from (smells, to sights, to a touch) and yes I still wake with nightmares and I still relive that day over and over. But is it easier to deal with just because it’s easier to talk about? Not on you freaking life!

    Now I also won’t convict a person of something so horrible as rape without evidence. I am torn on this case. I believe Dr. Ford suffers what she claims but at the same time even her witnesses have denied the alleged party or being anyplace near it. One of those witnesses was her best friend. To many foggy details to be honest for me to say he did it.

    On a side note I also agree about the questioning and the investigation.

    /shrug I am torn on this one.

    hugs my friend and I am sorry you had to relive your pain. I know all too well the toll it takes on us mentally, physically and even spiritually. I wish I could take every bit of your pain away but hell I can’t take away my own.

    your friend Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Michelle Styles — October 24, 2018 @ 00:07

    • For those not directly involved, i.e., the individual being sexually abused, it’s not at all surprising they don’t remember the incident. How many of us recall details of events 20-30 years ago … UNLESS something happened that affected us personally?

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Nan — October 24, 2018 @ 00:41

      • I would certainly remember my best friend ditching me at a party. I would have called het the next day. I’d have known something was wrong.

        She also said she has NEVER meet Brett Kavanaugh. Which at a party that small being the ONLY remaining girl she’d have meet him.

        She and all the other witnesses say they were NEVER at a party that matches that description.

        Again I believe she suffered a traumatic event but to rule someone guilty of something so vile you need more than words.

        Or have we forgotten the burden of proof lies on the accuser and the threshold of guilt was far from being meet in this case.

        So sorry I do believe in the law and constitution and innocent until proven guilty.

        /Shrug believe what you will and I pray such a linching never happens to your son, father, brother. He maybe guilty of many things but this claim hasn’t proven he is guilty of this crime. I hope mere alligation never ruin my son’s life and reputation.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Michelle Styles — October 24, 2018 @ 01:52

        • Hello Michelle. Some of what you write makes sense. I do think some of it doesn’t. Let me try to explain. As to at a small party with three guys and two girls, all drinking and horny, wouldn’t it be normal for a boy and a girl or more to disappear? Maybe come back or not? I know from my teen years the frustration and wishing I could be like the other boys who would go off with a girl. I never went off with a girl, I was always the one left talking with the remaining kids. No one seemed to think it weird that some kids hooked up and left.

          I do not think the witnesses said they were never at a party like that. They said they did not see what she described happen, nor did they remember the specific party. In fact we do know there were many parties like the one talked about, just no one remember seeing the assault happen. The floor plan of grandmother’s house of the other boy involved matches the area and home described. There are a lot of things that leave a lot of open ground.

          Yes innocent until guilty Michelle in a criminal case. This was not a criminal investigation. This was a job interview. A very important job interview. If you were the one interviewing someone for a job, and all of this came up, including the attitude of the one being interviewed, would you hire that person? I sure wouldn’t. If the person I was interviewing talked to me the way Kavanaugh did to the Democratic Senators I would throw him out of the office.

          There was a lot more that could be found out, but sadly the FBI was not allowed to talk to the many people who were calling in and mailing things to them. They were not allowed to follow leads where they went. The FBI was told they could only talk to six people picked by the white house, and not talk to anyone else including the two people involved. The whole thing makes me wonder what more was hidden or could come out. But you are correct that with what is known he shouldn’t be convicted in a court of law. This was not a court of law, it was a job interview.

          As always I care deeply about you. If this subject gets too hard or triggering, please we will drop it. It is not worth you being hurt. Be well. Be safe. Give my best to your family. Hugs

          Like

          Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2018 @ 06:26

      • That is true Nan. I look back to my childhood and young adulthood and the many times I was forced into unwanted sexual acts. I don’t remember every detail about everything that happened. Some of them I have only glimpse of. Mostly feelings, emotions, and the memories are confined to me and the people involved. I think your memory tightens to what is happening right there and then, the people involved, and lets go of details that are not part of the molestation / assault. Be well. Hugs

        Like

        Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2018 @ 06:08

    • Hello Michelle. I am sorry this brings up your horrible memories as well. The thing that her best friend said was not that she was not there, she said she did not remember the specific party. Apparently these kids partied hard all the time and if something did not happy to you to make it memorable , why would you remember one drunken party over any other.

      My issue is that two different roommates said he was a heavy drinker that often was slurring his words and stumbling. He denied knowing if he was the heavy drinking sexual assaulting guy in the book written by his best friend named Bart, yet in school Kavanaugh was nick named Bart. He wrote a letter to friends talking about a beach place they were renting where he said the first one there needed to tell the neighbors they were loud obnoxious heavy drinkers and “prolific pukers”. Yet in his testimony he claimed ralphing because of his sensitive stomach. Yes apparently sensitive to way over drinking.
      Then I added the three other women who claimed he made inappropriate sexual touching on them when drinking that they didn’t want him to do. It starts to show a pattern.

      I think if you are a wealthy kid in a situation where your activities are not monitored and you feel you have a right to do whatever you want to , you will do what other kids who are not wealthy do. You will drink. Most kids do drink and few times at least they will drink too much. Heck I have known adults who do that on weekends. I knew a lot of people including me that drank heavy in the military. So for him to say that he drank that much yet never was so drunk he couldn’t remember or did not black out doesn’t make sense to me at all.

      Lastly Michelle I was watching the hearings. The way he talked back to the women on the panel, snotty and belligerent was really telling. His angry threats to make the democrats pay for these hearings was way over the top and showed he did not have the temperament to be a Justice who would be ruling on the constitutionality of laws passed by the different parties. He acted as if he was the one in charge and even had to be told that they were asking the questions not him. He was acting like a immature entitled wealthy prick.

      I can not say for sure he did the actions to Christine Blasey Ford, but in the book his friend wrote which clearly has kavanaugh as a character the friend described many such events as she testified about.

      Please take care of yourself Michelle. I know this brought back many memories to me I had to deal with. I know some of the sexual assaults I do not remember all the detail, but as you said smells, feelings, the touches…. It all is too much sometimes. Please be safe and well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — October 24, 2018 @ 05:58


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