Scotties Toy Box

February 17, 2019

Laughter

Filed under: Food, Funny Stuff, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 13:57

I like laughing and people who can laugh.   Today I encountered the perfect example.   Ron is working a lot of 12 hour night shifts in a row.   We were running short on stuff so I decided after the Sunday morning news shows I would drive down to the local Publix grocery store about 2 miles away.  I knew because I was going there around noon time and the local churches ( yes three between here and there ) would also be getting out it would be very slow on the road and the store would be busy.   I also was struggling with my back.  Long story short I went to help some older people with a new laptop a few days ago and it took hours and I hurt my back sitting in their kitchen chairs.   Not their fault , they are grand people,  it is the damage in my back requires certain supports and stuff.   So the muscles in my back along my spine in the lower and middle levels are swollen ( spasmed ) and very sore.  Makes walking or lifting anything really painful.   So I got myself in the correct frame of mind before I even left the house.   And it begins!

Sure enough as I left my driveway and headed to the side road to go to the main road the church behind my home which is right there on the side road was having an exodus of very white  ( or blue ) haired ladies and bald men shuffling slowly from the church steps and across the side road to the parking lot.  I realized why they bunch up that way and go in herds, there is safety in numbers and the slower ones in front hold back the faster shuffling ones behind them.  I just let the car shut it self off and even though every now and again one of the docile creatures would look up and motion me to run over them I waved the entire migration through.   This however caused several of the first ones to get their cars started into the side road where it seemed to confuse them there was two directions to travel.  The side road is only wide enough for two small cars with a single piece of paper between them so there was a lot of hestations and false starts to enter traffic.   I waited my turn as I no longer had my huge 6.6 turbo diesel dually pick up and the new little car did not have the ground clearance to use those ahead of me as speed bumps.   We traveled down the side road at a stately 25 miles an hour slowing to the cautious speed of 12 MPH when meeting oncoming traffic.   Lucky for my sanity this stretch is only for the first mile of the the trip.  

At the end of the side road we meet the main road, a two lane in each direction divided by a median.   To inter this road one gets a break in the North bound traffic and then moves to a large center paved opening where the median would be.  Then when one gets another break one merges into the southbound traffic.   This takes only a minute or so in rush hour traffic during the week and is almost instant at any other time.  But not at church release time for the gentle herd.   Having just been filled to the brim with the information of what waited for them should they lose at this blood sport of moving traffic they were not taking any chances.  This judging the approaching cars speed was a serious business needing a committee of elders with at least two deacons.   I was looking for the sign that said “give up all who wish to leave this side road” but I couldn’t see it.   After 5 minutes I was tempted to pull over into the grass and go to the front of the line to wave those filled with the foot stopping power of the holy spirit forward.  I also felt maybe I should check for those who had over done with the excitement of this endeavor and had fallen asleep.  I should mention the main road was not overly busy.  After ten minutes I was at the head of the line.  The was a new problem.   Apparently there was a bible convention in the center waiting area as no less than five cars were waiting to move into the two south bound lanes.   Being very kind people they were each waiting for their fellows to go first.   I counted three on coming cars, yes just three, well spaced out .  Remember there are two lanes here.   I was starting to lose my ZEN, and my wanting to use the twin turbos on the new car was kicking in.  I got the chance!  

Leaving the herd behind I was able to do a decent 57 MPH the rest of the entire nearly a mile to the store entrance where I zip into the parking lot.  Which was jammed.   I had figured it would be busy so didn’t mind the parking nearly half way down the parking lot on the exit doors side, which was so far way it needed a different zip code.   My pain pills were still working some so I made my way inside, selected my cart of choice, which was a much smaller selection than normal, and waited while four members of a new herd belonging to the Church of Cannot Understand the Traffic Flow of In and Out Doors to slowly one at a time make the daring plod from the store into the cart storage area and out of second set of entrance doors.  They were timid creatures needing time to work the courage up to cross the threshold so I leaned a while on the shopping cart.  I felt my pants pocket where my pill case was in a very reassuring way. 

I won’t bore anyone with most of the shopping detail of deadlocked isles and confused shoppers wonder why the things they wanted to buy seemed in the wrong isles / departments and who had moved them.   However I did simply break down in loud laughter at row of milk coolers.   It was here the total absurdity of the situation got to me.  There was a conflab going on in the general area of the coolers.  There were people with carts trying to go in every direction , mostly into each other.  There was people who had abandoned their carts to try to do solo missions through the dangerous beachhead to the valued containers of milk.  There seemed to be a complete subsection of the herd trying to figure out if the percentage was what they normally got while their counterparts were more convinced the they needed to heft each jug for weight comparisons before selection.   I even took a minute to feel sorry for the short elderly lady in front of me who muttered ” I only need a milk and I am out of here”, a feeling I agreed with.   Just to be clear there is no milk shortage in florida, but it seems everyone in the county wants to buy it at the same time from the same store.  

Then it happened.  The thing that set me off.  I admit I was not not graceful nor restrained in any way.  That I didn’t pee my pants is a miracle worthy of a Sunday morning sermon.  Into this complete cluster of confusion walked a tall very portly man with a mission.  He immediately assessed the situation and in a pleasantly deep loud ringing voice proceed to announce the need for a traffic light at the milk department.  He kept up a steady list of pronouncements as to the situation offering to contact medical aid for those who had passed out while waiting.  He was funny and brash, and while doing this he attracted enough attention that he managed to slip his huge bulk to the doors of the coolers, subtracted a gallon of the precious white stuff and back out again without being the subject of an evening news police report.   I roared.  I thought it was a superb performance.  I laughed so hard I got to coughing.  Several people decided I was mentally unhinged and I found the entire area in front of the milk coolers was suddenly emptying of people.  It was down to the short older lady, me , two guys who were trying hard not to notice me.   The lady started to laugh with me.  She looked at me and said ” was that on our shopping list”, which caused me to laugh uncontrollably even more.   

I was now in such good humor I didn’t mind the limping walk to the car because my pain medications had worn off in the years this excursion had taken me.    Nor did I get upset at the nice couple getting out of the church nearest the grocery store proceeding to do a stately 37 MPH all the way down the main road , and when they turned on the the side road I realized I would follow them all the way to our park.  At the grand speed of 19 MPH.   To be fair there was two other cars coming the other way on this same road and we had to be sure no sudden moves were made that may actually start the blood flow in their bodies. One must take precautions you know.  

Well thank you everyone for sharing my monumental attempt to get a few items so the cats would have treats.  I will now go read political / religious news so I can calm my nerves and lower my blood pressure.  😜😜😂🤣😁😃😊😎😻😻  Hugs

 

12 Comments »

  1. Just remember, Scottie, time waits for no one. 😛😁😈

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Nan — February 17, 2019 @ 14:15

    • Hello Nan. It was surreal, it was so over the top. I wish I could pull something like that off. Total misdirect stagecraft. And so funny. I have to tell you, tRump wishes he could pull something like that so well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — February 17, 2019 @ 16:17

  2. ‘the slower ones in front hold back the faster shuffling ones behind them’ – – This tickled me, as did this – ‘Lucky for my sanity this stretch is only for the first mile of the the trip’

    ‘After 5 minutes I was tempted to pull over into the grass and go to the front of the line to wave those filled with the foot stopping power of the holy spirit forward. I also felt maybe I should check for those who had over done with the excitement of this endeavor and had fallen asleep. ‘ – Hahahahahahaha.

    ‘belonging to the Church of Cannot Understand the Traffic Flow of In and Out Doors’ – More laughter here, and onwards to the end. What a hugely entertaining description of your trip to the grocers Scottie! You have a gift for sarcasm that’s right up my street, a street where no one is allowed to drive if they are over the age of 68.

    Esme Cloud hugging Scottie and laughing some more

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — February 17, 2019 @ 15:29

    • Hello Esme. Thank you, I feel honored! It is grand it made you smile and laugh. I love writing stuff like this. I do see so much funny in daily life. I use to read newspaper columns by people like Dave Barry and books by Pat Mcmanus who made everything in our lives seem very funny. It is a dream past me now, so here on my blog I occasionally venture there. Best wishes you wonderful lady of the clouds. Hugs

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by Scottie — February 17, 2019 @ 16:24

  3. Scottie;
    The working people of Michigan would like to thank you and the fine people of Florida for taking our elderly each year in the winter. As you can imagine, the cold weather stiffens the joints and thickens the blood, making any mobility a very slow process. We do not force our elderly to Florida in the winter months, of course, but we do encourage it. And, for those few who stay, they have a tendency to be not only few enough but slow enough that we can wind our way around them. 😉

    Many thankful hugs;
    randy

    Liked by 3 people

    Comment by randy — February 17, 2019 @ 16:28

    • Brother I love you, now take all the ones except your folks back! 😁😃👍👍❤ Truth is even as your older people come here for the warmth, our older people are moving out to spread the stupid. We do stupid so well, we just feel the need to share. Soon the entire US will be filled with our Florida … orange juice. Hugs

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by Scottie — February 17, 2019 @ 16:40

  4. Too funny! What a great description of a hilarious afternoon.

    A few years ago, we had to evacuate for fire. We thought all of our elderly neighbors had already left. After we got the pet carriers in the car and it was jammed to the roof, the 80ish year-old man across the street poked his head out of his front door. He was beginning dementia but had no family, so still lived on his own. He was confused and scared. We were planning to go to the condo of a friend who was out of town and asked our neighbor to come with us. But there was no room in our car, so he would have to follow us. My ex didn’t drive, so no alternate driver to help out.We made the 40 mile trip on California freeways with our neighbor following my car. At. Twenty. Five. Miles. An. Hour.

    This was the year that much of the Southern California was on fire simultaneously. Surprisingly, there was not one angry horn or raised finger on our entire trip. Drivers were as patient as Scottie with the church elders.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by SAR — February 17, 2019 @ 18:02

    • Hello Sar. What a wonderful thing you did. You deserve hugs for that. Best wishes. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — February 17, 2019 @ 18:44

  5. Thank you Scottie, I needed a good chuckle. I was telling someone the other day that if I didn’t get to the grocery store before the church crowd, I wouldn’t go till the next day. She believes I tend to exaggerate!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Lindi Roze — February 17, 2019 @ 19:27

  6. You can get upset over a lot of things but well intentioned church folk aren’t one of them. Your story made me laugh out loud. The magnitude of personal fortitude is testament to your character. Lessor men might have lost their mind. Your laughter is infectious. Thanks for making my Sunday. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Notes To Ponder — February 18, 2019 @ 02:04

    • Hello Note. Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed the post. Laughter is a powerful thing. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — February 18, 2019 @ 06:21


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