Scotties Toy Box

April 3, 2019

**trigger warning ** this post is an attempt to help me deal with my own feelings.

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 20:20

I am pretty upset right now so if this is disjointed or the grammar is not correct, take that into account.  If it is the only thing you get from this post, then fuck off. 

Today I spent over three hours at one of my doctors.  I found out I am going to need a procedure that is going to stick needles in at least 6 and maybe 8 of my vertebra, a procedure I have had in the past which was very painful.  So painful the last time I had it done my heart stopped.  But this time they are not going to inject anything, they are going to “burn out the nerves”.  

I came home after going to the grocery store to get some soda and lucky for me Ron was up ( he had worked last night and was to be sleeping but woke up and realized I wasn’t home and got worried ).  So he carried the stuff in to the house as by them I could barely walk.  

I rested and for Ron’s dinner when he woke up at 5 to get ready for work I had peeled some potatoes, sliced them up, got the deep fryer ready ( we fry a lot so we have a really good deep fryer ) and then started on prepping the grilled cheese sandwiches I made for his supper.   I was over joyed when he was so happy he took two more grilled cheese sandwiches and a heaping dish of my deep fried potatoes to work with him.  After he left I started to do dishes even though he thought I should leave them for him when he got home.  

*** Trigger warnings Maybe.  If you are not able to handle sexual abuse of minors please stop reading here.  ***

After Ron left I decided to do the dishes anyway, yes I am not one to take orders well.  So as I was doing the normal things one does washing dishes into my mind, at the back of it came the first bubbles.  Hints of things past.  Then bigger bubbles of memories I did not want to remember.  As I cast around to distract my self from these now cascading bubbles of unwanted memories I realized I had forgotten to put in my ear buds and start a podcast/ music.  

Even as I tried to get to my earbuds, my phone and start anything to distract my mind it happened.   The memory bubbles became one huge bubble and it burst into my mind like a huge wave followed emotionally like the kick of a mule.  I suddenly was not in my own home washing dishes but instead in a different place, listening to one of the boys I had grown up with tell me he knew I had been abused, ask me why I had not told him.  When I told him I had tried he discounted it as I did not try hard enough.  When I told him he also had abused me …he grew quiet, stopped demanding explanations from me ,and then with no trace of shame or remorse said “Ya but I was a blackout drunk so it was not my fault”.  

That conversation had happened over the phone and I can not remember how long ago.

The conversation devolved from there and my husband and son came home to find me in hysterics with my phone ringing.  My son blocked the calls and my husband got some of my medications into me and got me calmed down and into bed.  

This memory of this conversation then ran into other memory bubbles I hate and try always to suppress.  I have told people before and my doctors, I preferred my memories when they were locked in a chest, wrapped in chains and submerged deep in the ocean never to surface again.  Sadly that is not possible for  me.  They break through , they come out, most at the worst of time and always unexpected.  It is like a person jumping out at you shouting “boo”.  Some times it is easy to deal with and sometimes it knocks you off your chair.  

So I dealt.  I did what I had to do to finish the dishes.  I got my earbuds, and cranked up a podcast.  People do not understand why I have to have constant input into my head.  If I don’t my mind goes to those memories.  Then it hurts.  One of my doctors I went to said I am a “bunny”, that I was unable to protect my self from abuse”.  Ron told him ” Maybe in his childhood, but if anyone tried today he would kick their ass and then make them take notes”.  Ron told the doctor that protecting me was his job.  I never went back to that doctor.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Milo was just hitting my hand and crying at me on my desk.  It was then I realized I am sitting here in the dark not seeing my screen nor anything around me.  I was stuck in my mind in a terrifying time long ago.  He is a good cat and friend, other animal friends may not have realized I need to be pulled from the tar pit I was in.  I am sore and hurting, but I am OK!

I really don’t have a close for this post.  I just wanted to some how explain how my mind works, how close to the surface and how suddenly the memories can hit.  No matter what I am doing, no matter what I see, no matter what I hear it can trigger my mind to go into the past and trap me there.  I love my computers and my blog / blog friend because they help me hold those memories at bay.  I thank all of you, you help me.   Best wishes.  Hugs

24 Comments »

  1. Damn, that procedure sounds frightening. Try to think ahead to afterwards when the pain will be less, instead of about the procedure itself. I’ve sometimes found it helpful to do that.

    Take things easy and do what makes you feel better. Don’t feel obligated to keep blogging at your usual furious pace, or at all, if you don’t feel like it. Everyone will understand.

    About the abuse memories, you’ve probably explored all options, but have you considered seeing a professional counselor? I’ve been seeing one for over eight years to deal with a highly stressful situation of my own (entirely different from yours), and I really think I wouldn’t still be alive now if it weren’t for her. Good insurance covers the service.

    Wishing you all the best. You deserve much better than this.

    Liked by 2 people

    Comment by Infidel753 — April 3, 2019 @ 21:54

    • Hello Infidel. The blogging helps. It keeps my mind busy and occupied. I have not seen anyone professionally for the abuse and my emotional state since 2012 /2013. I thought I had it under control. But it is getting worse again. Maybe it is time again. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 05:48

  2. Damn, Scottie – I wish you all the best. Platitudes like “hang in there” won’t cut it, so I can only say have faith in yourself, and the love you get from your relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Dennis Cole — April 3, 2019 @ 22:25

    • Thank you Dennis. I am better this morning. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 05:54

  3. I couldn’t ‘like’ this post, Scottie, because it’s so obvious you’re hurting. I had no idea you had such awful things to contend with from your past. For what it’s worth, knowing makes me admire your strength even more. You’re out there, every day, trying to make the world a better place. Hang in there my friend. -huge hugs-

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by acflory — April 3, 2019 @ 22:29

    • Hello Meeka. Thank you. I do not feel strong. Today is going to be a good day. I hope you have a grand day also. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 05:57

      • You’re still here and you’re still fighting. That’s strong in my book. -hugs-

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by acflory — April 5, 2019 @ 01:48

  4. I’m thinking of you Scottie.Take strength fro your relationship with Ron, together you are one unit and strong.
    Huge Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by davidprosser — April 3, 2019 @ 22:54

  5. Big hugs, my brother.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by randy — April 4, 2019 @ 03:02

    • Hello Randy. Thanks for your text. I feel better this morning. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 06:07

  6. Oh, Scottie. I’m just reading this, this morning. So sorry you had an ‘episode’. You’re such a great guy and well-loved. All I can do is send my heartfelt sympathy and hope you have a better day today.
    As you so often write, “HUGS”.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Carmen — April 4, 2019 @ 05:16

    • Hello Carmen. Thank you. I think today will be better. I hope you have a grand day also.
      Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 06:10

  7. I have these kinds of memories, too. I once read that what we “try to suppress comes up in other ways at other times” so I have never been one to suppress much of anything … I’m a fixer & I deal with things.

    Your writing about your evening is your dealing with your memories & I am proud of you.

    Biggest hugs.

    BTW, my good friend Jim (one of the great loves of my life) has that “nerve burning” procedure about every six months for his bad back. He says it really works for the pain. Hang in there, baby.

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by silverapplequeen — April 4, 2019 @ 05:40

    • Hello SAQ. Thank you. I am sorry you go through this also. I hid my abuse for years. I am glad to hear the procedure works because I really do not want to back on Morphine but the pain is really bad again. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 06:16

  8. hugs
    you are never alone!
    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Michelle Styles — April 4, 2019 @ 10:33

    • Hello Michelle. Thank you. It is another day. Hugs

      Like

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 11:55

      • That’s one great thing about life tomorrow is another day. I had a real tough day yesterday I wrote that post and I got some feelings out and that’s one of the reasons I warned you don’t read my post from yesterday if you’re not in a great place. Because I know how you feel for other people in you know I didn’t want you to feel those things. But like you today is a new day and I’m doing better today and I hope you are too.
        You know you’re loved and good luck today with your doctors I know it hurts and I know it sucks but hopefully it helps and hopefully some of the pain hearing goes away. Best of luck my friend
        Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Michelle Styles — April 4, 2019 @ 12:00

        • Hello MIchelle. The shots I had today are three allergy shots. They don’t hurt . The ones in the spine for that procedure are next month. I am glad you are better today. I am headed over to read the post. Thanks again. Hugs

          Like

          Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 12:02

        • Hello Michelle. I read your yesterdays post. I don’t know what to say. You had told me parts of your story, but not all of it and not the details. I am at a loss to understand how some people can take such enjoyment from hurting and humiliating others. I am glad you are having a better day today. I understand about getting it out, the memories that won’t stop. One question when you feel up to it. Did they pay for what they did to you? Gentle hugs and a shoulder for you if you need it. Scottie

          Like

          Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 12:58

  9. Scottie, I couldn’t post yesterday as I simply had no words. Fortunately, I’ve never experienced the type of emotional or physical problems you have. Nevertheless, my thoughts were with you and I’m VERY happy that today is a better day.

    P.S. I agree with Infidel. I think it’s time you pursued some emotional healing as well. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Nan — April 4, 2019 @ 12:03

    • Thank you Nan. I understand, I don’t know what to say sometimes either. I just wish the memories would go away. Today is a better day, and Ron is home to help me if I get upset or emotional again. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — April 4, 2019 @ 12:08


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