Scotties Toy Box

December 2, 2019

The vortex rages

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants, Reason — Scottie @ 13:48

It has been a rough couple days, maybe more I am starting to lose track of time.   The vortex is trying hard to ensnare my mind.   I am fighting hard, with everything I have but I am losing this time.  Most times I win, I know what is happening, I can keep the vortex just on the fringe .   But it got past my defenses and now I must fight it already storming inside the barriers. 

I developed the analogy of a vortex, sort of an upside down tornado when I had to describe to people what happens to my mind and emotions when the memories surface and become overwhelming.   The storms always batters against my mind, the storm rages at different levels but when it becomes a vortex it is gone from being a constant thing, a reminder of days long gone, but a sucking monster trying to draw me into a mentally repeating pattern of memories I can not escape from.  The memories play over and over, drawing me deeper and deeper into the emotions.   It causes the emotions to open and become raw, making it seem like it is happening now, again, always. 

For the longest time my only defense against the vortex was to become super focused .  I organized everything, when Ron moved in he was amazed at my home, everything had a place and was never out of place.  I even had my clothing in my dressers and closet organized.   I not only organized by item, use , but also by length, even color.   Files were cross referenced in my file cabinet and I was meticulous about saving and filing everything.  Basically my way of dealing was to control as tightly as I could everything in my control.  To lock my emotions down as tight as possible.   I have described my memories and emotions as something I place in a chest, wrapped in the strongest chains locked with the strongest locks and thrown in the the deepest parts of the oceans.   The thing is that works for a while, it really does, but some how those demons find ways out, it seems to be their job.

Sadly life is not really controllable and especially when others are involved.   The world doesn’t like control and other people do not fit into nice boxes and lines.  Life is messy and chaotic.   In 1990 to other it seemed I had it all , a great job making a lot of money, a new home, new motorcycle, new truck, all the toys.   I was barely hanging on emotionally.  I was a living time bomb about to self destruct. 

Then something happened that changed my life and saved me as best as it can be saved.   I met Ron.  I have told the story before, it was unexpected and completely shouldn’t have happened but it did.   The thing is our relationship, his love, his ways gave me the handles to hold onto when the vortex came.  Instead of falling hard into it, I now had something to hold on to , to fight back.  

So I have handles, I have supports to use to fight the vortex.   Sometimes it keeps me from it entirely and it only howls at the edges of my mind, other times the handles slow my decent and give me the way to claw my way back out of the deep dark depths.   The last few days have been bad for me. 

For a while I have avoided leaving the house, taking my comfort and strength from my familiar surrounding and my two cats that want to be with me most of the time.   I have to be careful about that as I could easily become a hermit.  It is comforting to me to be in my place where I have complete control.   But I have needed new shoes for a while, and I decided to force my self out to buy them.  Ron seemed to know how it was for me as he out of the blue decided he would come with me, “But your driving” he said.   Side note, I do most of the driving as I have driven everything from double wagon tractors to semi trucks and it is just something I do well.  Ron prefers me to drive and it seems to feel right to me. 

The reason this is worth mentioning is I have a hard time find shoes that feel OK on my feet and Ron really doesn’t care to be with me as it takes time and he has described it as “Screeching fingers on a chalk board”.  But today he wanted to go, so we went in the early morning as he has to work tonight.   So I have new sneakers. 

Wow I really went on a rant here.  But I already feel better, my mind clearer and my emotions calmer.   I have my ITunes music playing in the back ground and I can feel my perceptions are much sharper, which is good because I have not even begun to get to comments and I simply gave up this morning trying to blog news.  I think I can do it now and bring my A game to the stage. 

Ok grand people, pull up a bit of that internet while we still have it, and lets talk.   Scotties coming back.   Hugs

9 Comments »

  1. It always helps to write it out, I know this myself; there’s a balm of sorts in doing so and more-so in sharing it, opening it up to the world, the passers-by and the faithful. I consider the Cloud, the writing as a gift from the universe and beyond, I’m glad you have it too. Hugs dear Scottie, hold onto those handles, they’ll never let you down. ❤

    Esme sending love from upon the Cloud

    Liked by 3 people

    Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — December 2, 2019 @ 13:59

    • Hello Esme upon the Cloud. I have always loved your cloud with your pup and all the things there. Yes it does help to write it out, it was one of the reasons I started my Toy Box even if at the time I couldn’t admit it to my self. It was a defense to wanting to wanting to close in as tightly as I could. I had to force myself to open up , to be out in the world before I became locked in the very chest I locked those memories and years in. Esme you are a grand person and if you ever wish / want to send send a private email to say something you do not wish to do so publicly you can use my email, Scottiestoybox@gmail.com Best wishes and love to you. Hugs

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by Scottie — December 2, 2019 @ 14:24

      • What a lovely reply Scottie, thank you so much. I’m very lucky to have met such kind people in the blogosphere, and I do enjoy being called ‘grand’ too!

        Esme Cloud returning the hugs happily x

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — December 3, 2019 @ 17:22

  2. I’ve never experienced anything like your vortex, Scottie, but I find that writing helps with everyday worries too. Writing them down is a bit like grabbing the end of a tangle of string. Once you have the end in your grasp, you can tie it down, stop it from getting even more tangled. And sometimes, the other end just untangles itself like magic.
    -huge hugs-

    Liked by 3 people

    Comment by acflory — December 2, 2019 @ 17:01

    • Hello acflory. That is a grand analogy. It is spot on what I try to do, grab the ends to keep them from growing bigger and entangling my mind. You are a very perceptive person, I am so glad to have found your blog. Hugs

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by Scottie — December 2, 2019 @ 18:30

  3. What can I say, Scottie? Except hang in there! You are loved and appreciated. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Comment by Nan — December 2, 2019 @ 19:22

    • Hello Nan. Thank you. Finally dragged my self out of bed this morning. I have to go help an elderly lady this morning with her computer. It is a new day right? Hugs

      Liked by 3 people

      Comment by Scottie — December 3, 2019 @ 05:13

  4. Sending you a personal email Scottie. I’d like to talk live on the phone if that’s possible? I’ll include my contact info in the email. 🙂 ❤

    Like

    Comment by Professor Taboo — December 3, 2019 @ 15:37


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