Scotties Toy Box

January 14, 2020


Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 16:52

A quick note.  Sorry I am late getting to everyone and have not gotten to other blogs.  The pain in my spine / back is making it hard to even breath.  Damn I am in pain and I have taken all the pain medications I have.  My next visit to my pain doctor I am going to have to ask them to put me back on Morphine or something.  My attempt to be “manly” and take the pain is not working and not worth it.  I am having not only more pain but having to keep going to lay down to try to ease my spine.  I am not complaining it is my own fault, I get thinking I am better ( because my pain can decrease or increase with out reason ) and I ask to be taken off my stronger pain medications.  Well the strong ones do have a negative impact on the body, which I do not need really, plus I worry about addiction.   My pain doctors love when I do that as it shows I am aware of my situation, but then it gets overwhelming again.  In this much pain it is hard to concentrate, hard to focus.  I miss details and often just stop and get up to try to get relief.  Keeping a thread of things hard.  I want to scream.  I have been trying to answer comments for a while and it is hard.    

OK thank you for letting me vent.  Forget this post, as I am not asking for sympathy , just letting you know what I am dealing with.  I have to remember there are people who are a lot worse off than I, people who are homeless, who have no food, who are being harmed daily.  

You know it is an indoctrination from my childhood that men took pain, men did not cry, boy’s raped did not tell, the bruises were badges of honor.  It has created the problem I am in now.  I try to force my self off pain medications I need.   My medical history is clear, my bones are badly damaged and my muscles are also.  I am tired today, tired of tRump, tired of my pain, tired of being worried about bills and money, tired of worrying about the future for both my country and my own family.  

Yet on the other hand what keeps me going along with life is my husband and my cats and also this blog.   I interact with so many interesting people.  The internet allows me to learn other views, educate myself, and to read such wonderful blogs.  I get exposed to so many different views.   

So please excuse my momentary weakness.  I took more medications and they are kicking in.  I am sorry to have unloaded this on you.  But as with my abuse writing about it, sharing it , helps in some weird way I have yet to understand.  I was taught to hide all of it,  yet at times I write it out and I feel better?   I should ask Dwain  ( professor Taboo about that ) OK my pain is getting better and my mind clearer so off I go back to my comments.  Thanks to those still reading.  Hugs



  1. Never hold back, that’s the blogger’s creed and motto.

    I’m hoping you find relief, Scottie, I wish I could help



    Liked by 3 people

    Comment by Tengrain (@Tengrain) — January 14, 2020 @ 16:57

    • Hello TG. Thank you. You give me relief in your posts. I take enjoyment from the funny ones, and I learn from the news ones. It is my life. I have had these issues most of my life and I try really hard to not let them interfere with my online stuff. Today was just a really painful day for me. But the thing I know, unlike our president or even the Republicans in congress can not understand, is the world is not about me.
      Thanks again, you have a grand blog I really enjoy. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Scottie — January 14, 2020 @ 17:57

  2. NEVER apologize for your pain, Scottie. Us “regulars” know your situation and I don’t think anyone feels at all slighted when you go silent for awhile.

    Happy that you’re feeling better now!

    Liked by 2 people

    Comment by Nan — January 14, 2020 @ 17:13

    • Hello Nan. Thank you. Really. I have been taught from childhood is unmanly to show weakness or pain. It is really stupid to teach kids that. I will admit I am struggling to day. Until I go back on stronger pain meds It will effect my activities. I am feeling better now, I took the entire set of my pain medications earlier than they were scheduled, but I was about to go out of my small mind. Thanks again Nan. Many hugs

      Liked by 2 people

      Comment by Scottie — January 14, 2020 @ 18:24

  3. Please never hesitate to take care of yourself the way you must. I may be a new-er reader, but I care, and from what I’ve read since I’ve been visiting all the others who read here care, too. I hope this works out for you. I don’t really know the right words to say- I wish I could just take it away. (I wish I could take a lot of things away!)

    Liked by 2 people

    Comment by ali redford — January 14, 2020 @ 22:43

    • Hello Ali. Thank you. The people who come here do seem to be caring people. My condition is life long. I am lucky in that it can not kill me, but I do lose functionality. I also am lucky in that I have access to good doctors and can afford my medications. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — January 15, 2020 @ 05:26

  4. Pain is my daily friend too Scotty. I can usually manage on far less than prescribed, but there are days when twice that doesnt do much good. I can relate. You have nothing to be sorry for man.

    My pain management Dr has tried giving me percocet and even synthetic morphine, I have declined because A: Its expensive and B: I worry enough about addiction issues as it is. Better the devil you know… I mean you have to accept some level of addiction, there is no way around that once you start with opioids. I am a codeine junkie, I know because when I go too long without taking any it makes me miserable. Its a double edged sword. You have to take something for the pain because over the counter shit quit working a long time ago, and there will be some level of addiction involved no matter how well you manage. It is a genuine concern and I share it.

    It feels much like dancing around the rabbit hole. And the rabbit hole is a black hole of no return. You are wise to be concerned with it, but I would not let guilt become my enemy. This sort of situation is what it is, everything changes one day to the next and we are just trying to survive. If I find I need to take a little more I do, the key is knowing that tomorrow you have to guage whether or not you need to take that much again. Long wordy story short, listen to your body, if you need a little more, take it. If you don’t, then don’t. But try not to lose much sleep over it if you do. Tomorrows arent always as bad as today.

    And pain is a bitch that no one should feel guilty over 🙂

    There are days I have to lie down on a heating pad, or get up in the middle of the night, take something and lie on the heat for a bit. Hell of it is I cant do much of anything for long before the pain creeps in. And when it does it wells up in a hurry, to the point of having to stop what Im doing and lie down. I can stand for a while till that causes pain. I can sit for a while and the standing pain is relieved, but the longer I sit the more it hurts in a different way, or I can lie down and take the weight off, which helps more than sitting, but again, even lying down ya cant take that forever because pain finds you wherever you may be when its a chronic condition. It’s a motherfucker.

    But we have no choice but to deal with it. Manly man or no. We have to find a way to moderate, and only we know what thats going to take. I am sure you are aware that pain meds arent for making the pain go away completely, that is the road to the rabbit hole. All we can hope to do is to take the edge off to the point we can get by.

    …and there are just days, that sucks.

    Best to you Scottie, and hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by shelldigger — January 15, 2020 @ 07:59

    • Hello shelldigger. Well said sir, very well said. You described my situation perfectly, and my concerns as well. I am lucky like you I have really good pain doctors. Every couple months I get trigger point injections and I get spine injections about every 6 months. Thanks for your comment. Hugs


      Comment by Scottie — January 15, 2020 @ 11:00

      • Ive been dodging the injections to date. I dread the day that comes. The Dr tells me I’ll know when.

        I have a brother who gets the infared treatment where they basically burn the ends of nerves in the pain causing area, he swears by it.

        Liked by 1 person

        Comment by shelldigger — January 15, 2020 @ 17:34

        • Hello shelldigger. Yes they started the prep for those treatments for me. They said they had to do it twice to show it worked, but suddenly pulled back and I do not know why? It sounds wonderful, the lack of pain getting to my brain. Instead they went to doing the in spine injections. Thank you for reminding me , I will ask them about it. Hugs


          Comment by Scottie — January 15, 2020 @ 17:50

    • SD, I would never presume to know what you and Scottie are experiencing, but I will say this. I admire both yours and his resilience and hope both of you have more good days than bad.

      Liked by 1 person

      Comment by Nan — January 15, 2020 @ 14:18

      • Hello Nan. Thank you. For me the frustration is hard to take and also admitting I am limited. Years ago we bought an on the counter ice maker before we got a refrigerator with one built in. But the one we have is big and bulky, we are talking replacing it. Side note, we do not want to use the one in the new big refrigerator as we pack the freezer compartment with food and the area used for ice would sacrifice a lot of that space. So our large counter ice maker needs cleaning. It is on a rolling cart and I was going to roll it over to the sink and try to clean it. When I mentioned this to Ron he asked me to wait until tomorrow when he was off and he would do it. I explained I could do it and how, but he was adamant it was too heavy and I would hurt myself and he would do it tomorrow. When he gets that way I know it is not worth making a issue of it. But it hurts I am limited in these ways, things others can do without thought can really hurt me. I do have a solution, I am going to search for a smaller lighter one that I can handle. Thanks again for understanding. You do know that the Republicans are again moving, and tRump administration has proposed rule changes, that would try to take older people such as myself and Shelldigger off disability? So at a time in an older disabled persons lives, when they are most vulnerable the Republicans want to kick them off SSDI, the only income they have. What bastards, they seem to think life should be a horrible misery for anyone but them. Hugs


        Comment by Scottie — January 15, 2020 @ 14:38

        • F.U.C.K. TRUMP! (Whoops! Did I just write that???)

          Liked by 2 people

          Comment by Nan — January 15, 2020 @ 14:44

        • While we know we should not do things that we will pay for later, we inevitably do them anyway. And pay for them later.

          I try to pace myself and not do that, but Ive always been the sort where once you start a job you just work till its done. It is a difficult process to slow that inner motor down, but Im getting better at it.

          Im with Nan on tRump.

          Liked by 1 person

          Comment by shelldigger — January 15, 2020 @ 17:43

      • Hey Nan 🙂 I still havent answered one of your questions, but I haven’t fogotten. Ive just been busy af. I suppose I could go there now lol.

        …and thanks for the well wishes it means a lot.

        Liked by 2 people

        Comment by shelldigger — January 15, 2020 @ 17:38

  5. I have emailed you Scottie, check your spam in case I loiter there.

    Esme sending large hugs from upon the Cloud

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by Esme upon the Cloud — January 15, 2020 @ 17:40

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