Scotties Toy Box

The Many Things In My Toy Box ….my view may change due to verifiable evidence

Long time friends / viewers of this blog know my history.  They also know that about 9 months ago I was headed for a very big crash of uncontrolled emotional cascade and a very steep fall over a cliff.  Lucky for me many of those that visit here offered lifelines and help.  One person I deeply admire Professor Taboo made a few phone calls to me.   People who know me know I hate talking on the phone, childhood beatings for doing so.  I love and enjoy texting, and face time, skype and other things, but phone conversations drive my anxiety sky high.  

We talked in November / December and  that helped me get my emotions under control and set a path of less destruction for my self.  The last few months the nightmares have come back.   The last couple weeks Ron has been away.   The last few nights / days the nightmares have not let me sleep and they have me remembering things I do not want to remember.  Hell two nights ago I was dreaming of saving a baby by jumping off a cliff and then desperately diving into the water to find it.   I thought I was handling it but last night I got a total of three possible hours of very interrupted sleep and a lot of night sweats and terrors awakenings.  At one point Milo, my cat who sleeps on my pillow stood up and screeched due to my thrashing around.  Good thing to as it woke me. 

Ron is heading home Monday and I know he is anxious to see his home and family.   This is not a burden I want to lay at his feet, so now I must remember what I did 8 months ago to lock the memories and feelings down deep in a chest thrown in the deepest ocean never to be opened again. 

I am going to close down and go to bed, I am scared to sleep but too tired to stay up. I still have 53 open tabs in one browser to read in the morning so if I need to get up early I will have something to do. 

What did I do then, why can I not remember it, what do I do now?   Oh well, I know there is a path, I simply must find it again.   Best wishes to all.  I am off to close down and go to bed.    Hugs

7 thoughts on “Tired and that leads to problems.

  1. take some deep breaths, get some rest.
    I have an overactive mind and it’s damned near impossible to turn the volume down when I need it to happen the most, but sometimes mindless crap helps it drift off. I’m actually all worn out (emotionally, mostly) from the past few days, so I’m gonna make me a cup of tea in my new tea service and work on a jigsaw puzzle til I’m tired enough to just go straight to bed.
    Virtual hugs and hope you get some restful sleep.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Scottie says:

      Hello Chatty Introvert. You have a great idea, I really need to take a day to do that, just watch some of the TV shows and movies I have been wanting to get to. This thing in Portland has pushed me very close to the panic edge. I hardly slept last night and hope to get a nap around noon, after the morning news shows. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang in there, honey. Lots of people are having wicked strange dreams lately, I’m one of them, my son is another but I’m hearing this from other people, too.

    Just know that people love you & that you’re going to be OK.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Scottie says:

      Hello Polly. Thank you. I think Chatty Introvert had a good idea, I think I will take a bit of time off the news and watch some entertainment or even read a book. Best wishes for you and your son. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  3. shelldigger says:

    Hang in there Scotty. We love ya man.

    Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Scottie says:

      Hello ShellDigger. Thank you. I am just really tired from lack of sleep. I get an hour or two then I am awake due to muscle spasms, then later when they calm down I get another hour or two. It has me worn out. But I will be OK, I just need to take some more rest time. Hugs


      1. shelldigger says:

        Muscle spasms are a mofo. I live in fear of them. I have got to where I can feel it if one is about to get me sometimes. Other times it’s like a lightning bolt from the sky.

        Not the sort of pain I enjoy enduring. I feel for ya man.

        Liked by 1 person

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