Long time friends / viewers of this blog know my history. They also know that about 9 months ago I was headed for a very big crash of uncontrolled emotional cascade and a very steep fall over a cliff. Lucky for me many of those that visit here offered lifelines and help. One person I deeply admire Professor Taboo made a few phone calls to me. People who know me know I hate talking on the phone, childhood beatings for doing so. I love and enjoy texting, and face time, skype and other things, but phone conversations drive my anxiety sky high.
We talked in November / December and that helped me get my emotions under control and set a path of less destruction for my self. The last few months the nightmares have come back. The last couple weeks Ron has been away. The last few nights / days the nightmares have not let me sleep and they have me remembering things I do not want to remember. Hell two nights ago I was dreaming of saving a baby by jumping off a cliff and then desperately diving into the water to find it. I thought I was handling it but last night I got a total of three possible hours of very interrupted sleep and a lot of night sweats and terrors awakenings. At one point Milo, my cat who sleeps on my pillow stood up and screeched due to my thrashing around. Good thing to as it woke me.
Ron is heading home Monday and I know he is anxious to see his home and family. This is not a burden I want to lay at his feet, so now I must remember what I did 8 months ago to lock the memories and feelings down deep in a chest thrown in the deepest ocean never to be opened again.
I am going to close down and go to bed, I am scared to sleep but too tired to stay up. I still have 53 open tabs in one browser to read in the morning so if I need to get up early I will have something to do.
What did I do then, why can I not remember it, what do I do now? Oh well, I know there is a path, I simply must find it again. Best wishes to all. I am off to close down and go to bed. Hugs