It is throwing me for a loop and a hard ride

Some may have noticed I have not been at the top of my game lately and just the other day I told Nan I have been feeling low and down, and the truth is I am not sleeping well, having nightmares of my abuse and abusers.  I have been doing really good since about December of last year.   I really thought maybe it was behind me.   I had talked to several people such as Professor Taboo ( ) and I thought I had my mind in a good place.   I was handling everything.   

Then I read and posted this. .   Then my calm, my mental walls started crumbing.  Sleep became hit and miss, mostly miss, productivity fell, retention of news fell, I was slipping in getting to comments, I was not posting , I was not getting things done, and Ron was getting worried.  

Last night I dreamed the people who adopted me were holding me in a weird  bar / club of different rooms and odd angles, and I was having trouble finding Ron who I knew was there.   I kept fighting to get to different rooms but couldn’t find him.  I gave up on sleep at 2 AM and just got up.   

Then today this.   In my YouTube feed this popped up.   I thought I could handle it, I had posted on it my self.   I like this YouTuber and he has a an interesting life take on things.   But I was wrong about being able to handle it.  I have gotten about 1/3  into it and had to stop it.   I have been crying, I have been unable to focus, each time I think I am getting a handle on it I lose it again.   I stopped the video and turned on music, I sang, I focused on doing some computer work I put off, I even moved everything off my desk and hand wrote some stuff with my arthritic hands to distract my self.  I wrote five pages of numbers.  In truth it is only now with writing this that I have been able to stop crying.   And that is on a maybe right now.   Ron gave me the space to let me try to work it out while also checking in on me.   He knows that to crowd me right now would make things worse.   I was going to make lunch two hours ago of deep fried crispy chicken strips and french fries, but he is now doing it.  I even this morning for the first time in 7 years thought about self harm.  No worries it was a thought I stamped down hard.   Anyway I will be back to full strength soon, as Nan wonderfully told me, I am one tough cookie.  Here is the video.   *** Trigger Warning  *** The video deals with the rape of a 10 year old and the attempts by religious people to stop life saving measures and then to make her future life horrible.   Way to go Jesus followers.   Hugs




2 thoughts on “It is throwing me for a loop and a hard ride

  1. silverapplequeen September 1, 2020 / 05:07

    Hey Scottie, as a DV survivor (numerous relationships) & a rape survivor (several times), I don’t allow myself to watch these kind of videos. I don’t allow myself to be triggered. I had to learn to protect myself from these kinds of things.

    It’s the same with recovering from drugs & alcohol. I can’t watch movies where there’s a lot of drug use. I can’t watch people doing coke in movies, it triggers me. I can’t even watch people shooting up & I was never an IV user.

    You HAVE to protect yourself. The thing is, we ALL know that these things are going on in the world. We don’t need to watch videos about it. The fact that people make videos about it is disturbing enough … they could just write about it.

    Please take care of yourself. Sending you healing vibes & love.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Scottie September 1, 2020 / 06:28

      Hello Polly. Thank you. I am rebuilding my safe space in my head, it sort of fell apart. Right now I am just really fatigued and the world seems off and shifted from its axis. Things will get better, they always do. Maybe I will make ice cream or do some baking today. You take care of yourself. Be well. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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