Scotties Toy Box

December 3, 2019

Too much touch.

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 19:13

Last week a man who lives in our park stopped at my house to ask if I would help his wife with some computer problems.   The man is 84 years old.   While asking me this he repeatedly took my hand, he gets way to close and them pats my shoulder.  He is totally clueless to my discomfort and the fact I am on my top step pressed against the door to my office.   The abused child in me is melting down in sobs and screams.   I tell him I will call his wife after the weekend.   He leaves.  He is just like Joe Biden acts with people only worse.  It is horribly creepy.  It gets worse. 

Today at 10 AM I arrive at their place in the park, he is out front by the door.  He grabs my hand, pulls me in to him, doesn’t let go, keeps talking, getting closer.  I want to wrench my hand away I want to step back.   He grabs my arm telling me how glad he is I am helping his wife.  I am about to scream or run.  I control my self, disentangle my self and tell him I must see what I can do for his wife with out delay.   I am angry now, he is creepy and I do not want him around me.  I try to force a good humor when meeting his wife, but memories are hammering at my mind. 

Their small desk is in the narrowest spot in the home, with just enough room for the over large printer and a laptop, the mouse and pad is on the very edge of the desk in front of the laptop, she laughs they need a bigger desk.  I suggest as the printer is wireless they simply move it to another location, she doesn’t understand.  It works good where it is she replies.  They have always had it there.  She doesn’t understand what it being wireless means. 

So I pull up a chair as there is none at the desk as she uses a scooter in the home.  The place the desk is in with me in a chair pulled close to the desk there is about 8 inches from the wall behind us.   She drives the scooter in until the front wheel touches my leg, I try to pull back even though it causes my leg to start to go numb. 

I start fixing her problem which involves like it does most of the people who contact me with a password error.  She has like most of the people I deal with a stack of post it notes with different words and things scrawled on them with no dates.  Try this , no , try that one.  I have learned that after two attempts to simply insist on changing the password using the forgot password.   Despite my asking her to write it all down  including the date, a new post it note is now scratched on with no date or identifying marks.  Oh it is OK she says I will know what it goes to.   Fuck me!  I can see another house call coming. 

He comes in the door next to me, he has to change and go out.  Grabs my arm as I am moving the mouse, moves beside me and puts both hands on my shoulders.  I am about to explode.  I shift trying to get him to take his hands off me.   I remind my self I am a bearded 56 year old man not a small boy, I still need him to back off.  I turn causing him to lose his grip and pushing me into her scooter.    I tell him I have lots of stuff yet to do.  He says he needs me to come over and explain to him how to turn the computer on.  He has to learn to use it.  Did I mention he is 84?  I am sweating now, and my heart is racing, but I must focus my mind, I am here to solve her computer problems most of which I have already done.  He leaves.  

I explain to her that they get a free antivirus / firewall with their internet subscription.  They did not know, and no they do not have any protection.  Damn.  It is so hot in the house because as she says she can not take the cold.  I am sweating.  I explain antivirus / firewall and why it is important.  She says if it is free get it.  I explain again it is part of her subscription, she doesn’t care.   To her it is free. 

She has not done any updates since they got the laptop a year ago, I start them and explain to her how to do them and why.  Another post it note. 

I install the Norton protection on the computer and am doing the updates, almost all is done.  He comes back.  Starts touching me again.  Starts at the arm and moves up.  I have had it.  I explain I have to go.  I interrupt him, tell him I need to stand up please move back.  I ask her to move her scooter.  I put the chair back where it was before, I tell them I simply have to go they can call me.  He says he will stop by the house if he has questions.  I do not say I will answer the door.   Neither of them seem to register how angry I am inside , how I have reached very angry upset stage and will not stay there any longer.  She offers me money and I do not even count it, just tell her it is fine, thank you.  But she wants to talk about the money.   I explain that I do this for donations, there is no set charge, give what she thinks she can afford and what it was worth, anything is OK , nothing is also OK.  She wants to talk guilt.   The boy in me is in tears and shredded, he needs to get out of there , he needs to go home to comfort and safety.  I am trying hard to keep the outer face calm and professional.   She doesn’t get it and wants to talk about her guilt about not seeming to pay me enough, she may need to call me again.  Not seeming to remember I have helped her on and off for about at least 10 years.     I explain again I do not charge, I work by donation.  I do not want anyone to feel they can not ask for my help due to their financial situation, if they can not pay I still help, I do not gossip, I do not judge.  I want to make sure those that need computer help get it and if they can give something to me that is nice, but not expected.    She starts to tell me how hard things are for her children.  

There is no reason for this.  She already had the money set aside, I had already seen it.  I do not care at this point, three hour of my life have past in a hot closed in space with a man who keeps touching me which I really do not want.  I told Ron if he had gotten any further I was going to demand he at least buy me fucking dinner. 

She has given me the money, the questions have been answered, he has gone some where, but before I can leave she now wants to talk.   I explain I really have to go, we can make another appointment and she can call me with any questions.    Great, talk later, got to go. 

Get home, blood pressure really high, pulse 124, emotion level high, pain levels high.   I checked both when I got inside.   Get a drink, sit in my office chair, the cats run to me as I have been gone, start to relax, start to comfort the panicked screaming boy inside me, telling my self all is OK.   She called. 

The computer screen shows this .  Yes, normal, just hit this, no close out that , OK accept this.  OK yes that.  Can she call me again to come over?   I guess if you need me but remember I can answer a lot of stuff over the phone.   Yes but it is easier when you are here and he wants you to start teaching him how to use a computer.   I tell her  I have to go.

When I got Ron up I told him about this.  He doesn’t think I should help them.  I told him if I do not help them I must not help anyone.  He reminded me I do not owe it to anyone to help them, I do not have to.   I do not feel that way.   I have a skill, knowledge gained over years.  I also have patience to deal with wilful ignorance.  I just do not, can not stand to be touched and petted while helping.  

This another reason Biden can not be the democratic nominee.   Man his age and mind set just don’t get it.  He doesn’t have the right to touch others, pet them, paw them, in Biden’s case sniff their hair .  It is not normal.  It is not wanted.   Hey consent anyone! 

Well thank you wonderful Toy Box viewers for letting me get that off my chest.  My heart rate has still not settled down even though I had a wonderful call from an internet friend.  It is possible the man never meant any harm, it is just his normal way.  His way of being friendly.  But my past did not agree, to me he was a predator acting creepy.   I hate to think of how he acts with  his great grand children.  Oh well, another day in a Florida trailer park in the life of Scottie.    Hugs

 

December 2, 2019

The vortex rages

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants, Reason — Scottie @ 13:48

It has been a rough couple days, maybe more I am starting to lose track of time.   The vortex is trying hard to ensnare my mind.   I am fighting hard, with everything I have but I am losing this time.  Most times I win, I know what is happening, I can keep the vortex just on the fringe .   But it got past my defenses and now I must fight it already storming inside the barriers. 

I developed the analogy of a vortex, sort of an upside down tornado when I had to describe to people what happens to my mind and emotions when the memories surface and become overwhelming.   The storms always batters against my mind, the storm rages at different levels but when it becomes a vortex it is gone from being a constant thing, a reminder of days long gone, but a sucking monster trying to draw me into a mentally repeating pattern of memories I can not escape from.  The memories play over and over, drawing me deeper and deeper into the emotions.   It causes the emotions to open and become raw, making it seem like it is happening now, again, always. 

For the longest time my only defense against the vortex was to become super focused .  I organized everything, when Ron moved in he was amazed at my home, everything had a place and was never out of place.  I even had my clothing in my dressers and closet organized.   I not only organized by item, use , but also by length, even color.   Files were cross referenced in my file cabinet and I was meticulous about saving and filing everything.  Basically my way of dealing was to control as tightly as I could everything in my control.  To lock my emotions down as tight as possible.   I have described my memories and emotions as something I place in a chest, wrapped in the strongest chains locked with the strongest locks and thrown in the the deepest parts of the oceans.   The thing is that works for a while, it really does, but some how those demons find ways out, it seems to be their job.

Sadly life is not really controllable and especially when others are involved.   The world doesn’t like control and other people do not fit into nice boxes and lines.  Life is messy and chaotic.   In 1990 to other it seemed I had it all , a great job making a lot of money, a new home, new motorcycle, new truck, all the toys.   I was barely hanging on emotionally.  I was a living time bomb about to self destruct. 

Then something happened that changed my life and saved me as best as it can be saved.   I met Ron.  I have told the story before, it was unexpected and completely shouldn’t have happened but it did.   The thing is our relationship, his love, his ways gave me the handles to hold onto when the vortex came.  Instead of falling hard into it, I now had something to hold on to , to fight back.  

So I have handles, I have supports to use to fight the vortex.   Sometimes it keeps me from it entirely and it only howls at the edges of my mind, other times the handles slow my decent and give me the way to claw my way back out of the deep dark depths.   The last few days have been bad for me. 

For a while I have avoided leaving the house, taking my comfort and strength from my familiar surrounding and my two cats that want to be with me most of the time.   I have to be careful about that as I could easily become a hermit.  It is comforting to me to be in my place where I have complete control.   But I have needed new shoes for a while, and I decided to force my self out to buy them.  Ron seemed to know how it was for me as he out of the blue decided he would come with me, “But your driving” he said.   Side note, I do most of the driving as I have driven everything from double wagon tractors to semi trucks and it is just something I do well.  Ron prefers me to drive and it seems to feel right to me. 

The reason this is worth mentioning is I have a hard time find shoes that feel OK on my feet and Ron really doesn’t care to be with me as it takes time and he has described it as “Screeching fingers on a chalk board”.  But today he wanted to go, so we went in the early morning as he has to work tonight.   So I have new sneakers. 

Wow I really went on a rant here.  But I already feel better, my mind clearer and my emotions calmer.   I have my ITunes music playing in the back ground and I can feel my perceptions are much sharper, which is good because I have not even begun to get to comments and I simply gave up this morning trying to blog news.  I think I can do it now and bring my A game to the stage. 

Ok grand people, pull up a bit of that internet while we still have it, and lets talk.   Scotties coming back.   Hugs

Where Do The Children Play?

Filed under: Children, Dealing With Abuse, Family, Harm, My Life and Rants, Questions, Song — Scottie @ 12:49

It is a bad day

When the Children Cry

Filed under: Children, Dealing With Abuse, Family, Harm, My Life and Rants, Sex, Song — Scottie @ 12:38

A bad day

December 1, 2019

Wisconsin Church Hosts Thanksgiving for LGBTQ People Rejected By Their Families

Wisconsin Church Hosts Thanksgiving for LGBTQ People Rejected By Their Families

 

It’s a reminder that a family you choose is no less important than the one you’re given, and that churches can indeed play a role in promoting love and inclusivity instead of being a force for divisiveness.

 

“Having someone not accept you is really hard but when it’s someone as close with your family it’s much harder,” added Yellow Brick Road leader Marilyn Schuh.

We all deserve a place at a Thanksgiving table where we feel loved and accepted. Thanksgiving is about coming together and giving thanks for those people we love in our life. We couldn’t think of anyone else we would rather spend this day with than you!” reads the event’s description on Facebook.

As The Advocate notes, these kinds of events can’t be under-appreciated:

Events like these can help LGBTQ people feel connected and supported in the face of ostracism. In a 2013 Pew survey, about four in ten LGBTQ people reported being rejected by a friend or family member. LGBTQ youth are at a much higher risk of becoming homeless.

Having a community like this goes a long way to minimizing those risks.

November 26, 2019

Damaged People

Filed under: Cartoons, Dealing With Abuse, Memes, Questions — Scottie @ 07:17

November 23, 2019

Quiet Rooms: Illinois schools lead the nation in imprisoning very young, disabled children in isolation chambers

Filed under: Children, Criminal, Dealing With Abuse, Education, News, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 14:15

Damn this is institutionalized abuse of children by schools.   This is unbearable.  These are kids. 

*** Sorry I forgot to add the link to the site I was so upset when I read this.   The boy nude crying for his clothes brought back really bad memories.   Thanks to Nan for catching the missing link.    Hugs ***

Quiet Rooms: Illinois schools lead the nation in imprisoning very young, disabled children in isolation chambers

 

The logs reveal children who have lost control of their bladders and/or bowels, sometimes undressed, sitting in filth, urine and feces, begging for their release. Some of these children were incarcerated for ten hours — from their arrival at school until their pickup — only to be re-incarcerated on their return the next morning.

The reasons given for incarcerating children include speaking in a disrepectful tone, failing to complete classwork, attempting to “provoke” other students, and other issues that have no nexus with safety. Some of the cells used are padded; others are bare wood and steel. A typical cell measures 6×8′.

Some schools seem entirely reliant on the isolation cells: Bridges Learning Center near Centralia has five isolation cells that are sometimes full by 8:35AM. Though the school only has 65 students, they imprisoned students in isolation cells 1,288 times during the 15 months covered by the records.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Jim Nelson has run the North DuPage Special Education Cooperative since July 2016, where he has removed the doors from the isolation cells and filled them with “a lava lamp, fuzzy pillows, a beanbag and puzzles.” Students decide for themselves when to go into it, “when they need a break.”

Quiet Rooms: Illinois schools lead the nation in imprisoning very young, disabled children in isolation chambers

Filed under: Children, Criminal, Dealing With Abuse, Education, News, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 05:37

Damn this is institutionalized abuse of children by schools.   This is unbearable.  These are kids. 

*** Sorry I forgot to add the link to the site I was so upset when I read this.   The boy nude crying for his clothes brought back really bad memories.   Thanks to Nan for catching the missing link.    Hugs ***

https://boingboing.net/2019/11/19/quiet-rooms.html

 

The logs reveal children who have lost control of their bladders and/or bowels, sometimes undressed, sitting in filth, urine and feces, begging for their release. Some of these children were incarcerated for ten hours — from their arrival at school until their pickup — only to be re-incarcerated on their return the next morning.

The reasons given for incarcerating children include speaking in a disrepectful tone, failing to complete classwork, attempting to “provoke” other students, and other issues that have no nexus with safety. Some of the cells used are padded; others are bare wood and steel. A typical cell measures 6×8′.

Some schools seem entirely reliant on the isolation cells: Bridges Learning Center near Centralia has five isolation cells that are sometimes full by 8:35AM. Though the school only has 65 students, they imprisoned students in isolation cells 1,288 times during the 15 months covered by the records.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Jim Nelson has run the North DuPage Special Education Cooperative since July 2016, where he has removed the doors from the isolation cells and filled them with “a lava lamp, fuzzy pillows, a beanbag and puzzles.” Students decide for themselves when to go into it, “when they need a break.”

November 22, 2019

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts (Official Music Video)

I have posted this before but today I need to do so again.   Sorry.  Hugs

November 17, 2019

Horribly inhumane. We are deliberately putting these people into harm.

November 13, 2019

This is a heart breaking read. It is beyond just criminal, it is out right child abuse. Crushingly wrong and they are still doing it despite a judge ordering them to stop.

Filed under: Bigotry, Children, Criminal, Dealing With Abuse, Fascism, Greed, News, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 04:56

November 9, 2019

Republicans can’t stand up to abuse because they are loyal to the patriarchy

Filed under: Cartoons, Criminal, Dealing With Abuse, Memes, News, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 04:30
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#GymJordan

Republicans can’t stand up to abuse because they are loyal to the patriarchy.

October 6, 2019

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts

Tony of https://tonyburgess1969.net/ posted this with a personal message at https://tonyburgess1969.net/2019/10/06/everybody-hurts-sometimes/ .   I think it is how I feel most of the time also.   Hugs

September 27, 2019

THE GRETA THUNBERG HELPLINE: For adults angry at a child.

September 24, 2019

Bill Withers – Lean On Me

I spent about 2 hours today crying, breath ceasing red faced tears running down my face.  I hurt.  I hurt from the memories I have.  I can not change them, the past is what it is.  I am very lucky I do have an out.  I could have gone to the bedroom and gotten Ron.  I have a wonderful adoptive brother, something I never had during my  childhood when I was being abused,  he works long hard hours but he keeps his phone on for me even when he gets his few hours of sleep.  When I was so depressed and upset back in 2014 /2015 I was back to self harming my self ( something I still want to do some days ) he would call me every 4 to 8 hours to make sure I was OK.  That is family .  Something I never had growing up.  One of the persons I grew up with use to laugh at me being a 5  / 6 year old sitting alone on a embankment asking “why it was always me”.   She never released what she thought was funny was really an indictment of what she and others were doing to me.  I was already being sexually abused and beaten.  “Why was it always me”, asks a five / six year old?  That should have raised questions everywhere.  When in 1st grade the school pressed charges of child abuse ( I have written of this before ) the people I lived with took me out of school, then moved to a different state, then moved a gain in a few months to another town in a first state.  This was in the 1960’s.  There was no follow up, even though I had been taken to the local hospital and examined.   It was if no questions had been raised, and the abuse continued.  So today  the memories make me cry.  Hugs

Bill Withers – Lean On Me

September 11, 2019

California church leaders charged with forced labor of homeless, US attorney says

Filed under: Criminal, Dealing With Abuse, Economics, Greed, Harm, News, Questions, Religion — Scottie @ 09:19

https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/10/us/california-church-forced-labor-trafficking/

Imperial Valley Ministries leaders recruited people by promising food and shelter, and instead forced them to beg for money for nine hours a day, six days a week and to give up their welfare benefits “for the financial benefit of the church leaders,” prosecutors said in a news release Tuesday that announced the indictment had been unsealed.

“The indictment alleges an appalling abuse of power by church officials who preyed on vulnerable homeless people with promises of a warm bed and meals,” Brewer said. “These victims were held captive, stripped of their humble financial means, their identification, their freedom and their dignity.”
The indictment alleges church leaders kept victims inside group homes with deadbolt locks only they had keys to and confiscated IDs such as driver’s licenses, immigration papers and passports to prevent victims from escaping.
One victim was a 17-year-old girl who escaped by breaking out of a window, Brewer said. She went to the police, he said.
More information and examples of the abuse the church made these people suffer at the link above.   Religion has always been about controlling others and moving money from the base to the religious leaders.   Hugs

September 10, 2019

A Christian Victim of Female Genital Mutilation Wants KY to Criminalize It

This is some of what I mean by Religion harms children.   Remember this is happening in the US and a judge recently allowed it.  I just posted about the woman in the UK who basically kidnapped a little boy and took him to be circumcised against the parents wishes because of her Christian beliefs, and the judge gave her a small fine because of her faith.  Mutilating children’s genitals because adults are scared of sex has to stop.  It needs to be a serious crime because the child will have to deal with the effects all their life.  It is a life long sentence and so the people doing it need a serious punishment.    As always more at the link below.   Hugs

A Christian Victim of Female Genital Mutilation Wants KY to Criminalize It

Here are some uncomfortable truths: Female genital mutilation occurs. It’s a crisis. It’s almost entirely faith-based. And it’s not limited to Islamic nations. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found in 2016 that 513,000 girls and women in the United States were at risk for being cut or mutilated.

Just last year, a federal judge dismissed most of the charges against a Michigan doctor, Jumana Nagarwala, who allegedly mutilated more than 100 girls, on a technicality. He said that federal law prohibiting the practice was unconstitutional, as despicable as FGM is, due to a technicality in the way the law was written. (The doctor hasn’t been cleared of everything; she could still receive jail time.)

Perhaps the most shocking thing about Julie’s testimony was finding out she isn’t Muslim, as she explained in a joint essay for the Courier-Journal:

Born and raised in a white, Christian household in the United States, I (Jennifer) was sent on a long plane ride by my parents for a “special trip.” As a 5-year-old, I was led down dark stairs by strangers, held down, and my mouth covered. Without anesthesia, I was cut.

Every day I am reminded of the emotional and physical consequences of being cut. Though I can’t change what happened to me, there is something that drives my passion to get an anti-female genital mutilation bill passed in Kentucky: my daughters. Unfortunately, I have family members who still subscribe to this practice and believe it must be performed to control the sexuality of women and girls. As long as there is no law banning female genital mutilation in Kentucky, my daughters remain at risk of being subjected to the trauma of this practice.

August 13, 2019

Let’s talk about socially conditioned responses to domestic violence….

I think most of the people who come here know I was abused and lived in constant fear of the huge ( to a little boy and most men ) brute that terrorized my life.   But while I took the brunt of his abuse he also made clear his position to even his own brood.  He was the alpha in charge of the house and he would back it up with violence.  I seen him rip a door of the hinges to his daughters room because she pissed him off.  He did so by punching his fist right through the door.  

I want to point out that the video has a really good message.  If you really want to help the victim, get them out of the situation.  Many people in my little cow town knew I was being abused, and many offered what comfort they could.  But none of them tried to take me out of the abuse.  

Which leads me to the point Beau makes.  When I was about 13 or 14 I was working for a local family who had a basket weaving shop.  It was a big business.  The man who ran it was a 6 foot something ex-marine.   They were friends with my adoptive parents and had even bought me clothing when I really need it.  I was happy to work in the shop and felt welcome if  awkward there.    One afternoon my adoptive father came into the shop angry, found me and started hitting me and beating me up.  I to this day do not know how he knew or who ran and told him but Dave the owner showed up and went into combat mode.  As his wife grabbed me and tried to take me out of there I seen most of the fight.  Francis was short but stock and hugely muscled and a brawler, Dave was an marine who had seen combat and younger.  For the first time in my life I felt so happy with joy, someone had stood up for me.  I was not alone, I was going to be safe.  Surely after that fight he wouldn’t hurt me any more!

The truth was he never hurt me in front of Dave again.  But when I got home that afternoon Dave was not there.  There was no big former marine to defend me.  I was a small scrawny kid facing a brawler that had gotten the bad end of a fight.  Some one needed to pay for that, and I did.  I wont describe what happened, I think you all can guess. I will only say it was bad.  Really bad.  

Thinking you can play the hero and stand up for the abused is great, if you plan on being there day and night until the abuser is gone, never to come back.  But doing it once in a store or in the case of the video going and beating the bad guy up only leaves them free to take that anger out on the victim.  I know, I was the victim.  Anyway I am upset and tired and going to bed.  Please watch the video.  Be safe, be happy, and hugs

July 29, 2019

Gateway is abuse

Filed under: Children, Dealing With Abuse, Harm, Health, Reason, Sad — Scottie @ 06:40

July 27, 2019

Child Abuse!! Call it what it is, child abuse

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