Scotties Toy Box

March 23, 2017

Woke up yelling.

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Tags: , , — Scottie @ 08:21

This morning I woke Ron up shouting, because I was having a nightmare about one of my abusers and my abuse.  I was dreaming of the man who adopted me.  HE was in my room putting everything in trash bags.  I did not have much but what I had was important to me.  I had very little, and what I had was old, broken, or hand me down stuff.  If I ever had anything nice it was taken from me.  In my dream I was not a child anymore but an adult.  The man who adopted me told me I was not going to have anything, he was not going to allow me to have anything, he was going to take it all.  I was ordered to take the bags of my stuff out to the trash.  I took the first bag out, then I went back in.  I then did something I never could have done as a kid.  I told him no, I won’t take my stuff to the trash.   Remember in my dream I was not a scared child afraid of what might happen.   I was an adult version of me.  I stood up to him.  I told him no I would not do it.  Then in my dream he gave me orders of what I was to do in the morning.  I told him no, I wouldn’t do it.  He threatened me as he has always done.  Only this time I did not cower.  This is where I shouted out loud and woke both myself and Ron up.   I shouted “Understand this, I won’t do it, I won’t do it”.  I realized I was awake and it had been a dream, and of course I had woken ron.  Ron was talking to me telling me it was OK, I was safe, he was with me.   I told him about the dream and I got up, he went back to sleep.   So maybe this is a good sign.  I am sticking up for myself in my dreams.  I am not letting it happen, not as afraid as I had been as a child.  Only time will tell.  Of course the downside is I am upset this morning.  The good thing is I can get to everyone’s blogs early as I did not get much done yesterday.  Be well and happy.  Hugs 

March 2, 2017

I recognize that furious, screaming child that lives inside Milo Yiannopoulos – The Globe and Mail

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, Harm, History, My Life and Rants, Sex — Tags: , , — Scottie @ 12:38

***This post is about sexual abuse, sexual situations, and a bit about how sexual abuse messed up my own understanding of sex.  If those topics bother you please stop reading now and go to a blog more pleasing to you with my thanks for stopping by.  Oh it also got very long.  Hugs ***

I was going to write this post yesterday but I kept putting it off because I guess I just did not want to deal with it, with my own feelings.  I have been on edge lately caught between needing to voice some of the things from my past, and feeling a huge need to just hide that it happened, that it happened to me.   A grand lady sent me a link to a great video.  I loved the video.  But because I am raw right now on this subject what I normally hide burst out of me.   I sent her an email where I basically divulged some things I had not voice before.   At least not sober.   🙂  She being a grand lady and a great friend wrote me back saying we should talk.  I panicked.  I wrote her I could barely write about it and no way I could verbally talk about it, I begged her to let it drop.  I hid again.  She understood but I knew she felt if I did not address it I would blow a gasket.  I agree with that, I need a safety valve to slowly release the parts I can.   Here is some thoughts I have, my letting it out safely if such a thing is possible.  

The article below talks about things I know because I have experienced it.     I do not in anyway give Milo a pass, I do not agree with the direction he went, I oppose his hateful nasty ways of trying to find worth and fame.  However I did go through the stages the author mentioned.   Let me start again as my mind went off to protect itself and I had to wrestle it back here.  

I was sexually abused.   I had a working knowledge of sex, the ways of it and the male body.   I did not have any clue about the emotional aspect of sex.  What emotions I associated with it were all wrong.  When kids in school talked in hushed tones about getting a blow job, laughed at dick jokes, and talked about boning a girl, I was confused and felt left out.  It was not because I was gay, that had its own problems.  See I knew about penises, I knew what sucking a cock was because I was doing it, I was the girl getting the cock and trust me it was not like the boys talked.   I was not able to join in on these boyhood dreams and fantasies.   I was mentally not able to process the disconnect between their words and my reality.  Sex for me was not pleasant and dream like, it was not something that made one happy and fulfilled.   It was power, authority, it was control over another, over me.  As I got older my body responded and in truth I felt this was normal sex.  I grew older and angry.  In my teens I desperately wanted what everyone around me talked about, what movies and books hinted at, but I was clueless and did not believe it existed.  

I remember being about 14 or 15 and wanting sex with my history teacher so bad.  I knew what guys wanted from me, to show they owned me, they could do what they wanted to me, that they could satisfy themselves and throw me away.  But remember I had no warm human contact.  I craved it, attention from a man who seemed so kind to me.  Surely if I came to him willingly he wouldn’t hurt me much right?  So I put myself out there for him.  I don’t know what he thought of the things I hinted.  I won’t describe the things I did , they are bad enough to remember and worse to share.  After a couple weeks he asked me to stay after school.   He would take me home.  I thought this was it, I was going feel what the boys all talked about.   But the teacher was a grand man, an honest man.  He figured out I was abused ( I think many knew ) and wanted to help me.  He tried to talk to me in the classroom but I couldn’t understand what he wanted, why was he not ordering me to pull my pants down, why was he not saying the angry words I normally heard if I was talked to at all during it.   He then figured I would talk if he took me home in his car.   In the car I waited for the order to “make him happy” but he did only talked and talked and talk.  My mind drifted off.  Soon we were at my home.  The only thing I learned was it was true that no one wanted me, I was not worth anything, I was below humans and not even a teacher had a use for me.  

Fast forward to me in the Navy stationed in San Diego.  I was 18.   I was fit and trim, I was cute even though I did not know it.  I did not make friends, I stayed to myself, I couldn’t connect to others.  The ways they acted and the things they wanted I could not understand.  Understand I was so very horny, I carved sex.  I wanted so much to have something, I just did not know what it was or how to get it.   I hated the sex I knew , but my body wanted the feeling of sex, to mate, so badly it was driving me mad.   So I explored the city, something I had never seen having grown up in a town with more cattle than people.  I had no fear, I was clueless.   I ran and jogged and looked at it all.   One early evening I had just ran the length of Broadway because running felt good to me, and was at a bench outside a bank stretching when a young guy came up to me.  He had been watching me but I did not know that then.  To me he was an adult and so I responded to him as an authority.  He really was just barely 25 and unsure, but I was trained by both my childhood and the military to submit to those older than me.  What was about to happen was my first consensual adult sexual experience and it will show how screwed up I was.   He asked me to his apartment.  I followed him.  I still had no clue what he was really doing.  He was a young cute gay guy with a new job as an architect.   He thought I was a coy young gay kid who knew what I was doing and what was happening.  In truth I was clueless.  He had asked me to go with him and I was.   When we got to his place he started to do all the things people trying to hook up do.  It went over my head.  When he kissed me I froze.  When he touched me I understood what I was to do.  I peeled out of my clothes and my body went to auto pilot and my mind took a vacation.  The guy must have thought he went to gay heaven.   He had found a young cute compliant guy to do what he wanted without asking for anything.  After a couple weeks we had a pattern.  I would come over , get naked, he would have sex with me, I would perform for him as he wished.  He would then shower, go out to the clubs and party, come back to his apartment and have me.  He told me after we broke up he couldn’t believe how lucky he was, I never complained, I just waited for him.  He could do as he wished.  He thought he had it all.  I thought I loved him.  He was basically my first.  When he touched me it was not to hurt, he never hit me, he never was angry , he never yelled at me.  He was kind, gentle, he made sure it did not hurt, but felt good.  There was only one thing he wanted and I couldn’t give it because I did not understand.  He wanted to reciprocate for me what I did for him.  When he would try I would draw away.  I was not trained for that.  I had been taught this was for something I did for others.  I was not to have the pleasure they did.  It had been beaten in me so I resisted him on that.  After about a month of this, one weekend at his place he had enough and confronted me about it.  I had no way to answer.  He tried to make it happen and when I pulled away and tried to roll over he pushed me down and did what I thought I was to do to him.  Sorry trying to not be graphic.  It did not go the way he thought it would.  I simply had never had those things done to me, I had no idea what to do or how to react.  I was scared, had flash backs because he had used force for the first time, I expected pain next and so did not respond the way he wanted or thought I should.   He had only wanted to give me pleasure and instead he realized it went badly wrong, but he did not know why.  Instead of the happy willing kid I had been I turned into a silent zombi who did not move or respond.  He finished the act and for the first time there was no joy in it for either of us.  My fear caused us to break up.  He had seemed so great in my mind, I was desperate for him, but now my body was scared.  If he had know, if he had taken more time.  He was young, it was not his fault.  

I left the Navy and entered the Army.  I watched others have the relationships and joy I wanted, some of them good and some of them bad as life normally is.  I became the boyfriend of my sargent, again willing to please and he was willing to take.  He was the boss, was subservient.  In the military it was not strange because of the rank difference between us.  I won’t go into details of those years. I came home with no more understanding of love and relationships than I had before.  

I became a civilian, and I got a good boring job.  I bought a home, and a new truck.  I stayed alone.  I never went out.  I was angry , oh so angry.  It was not worth living.  I was in dark places in my mind.  The only company I had was the memories I hated so.  The only people I talked to not at work were the 70 year old lady across the street I took for groceries and the people who had homes around mine.  I greeted them in passing.  A family moved in next door and they tried hard to start a friendly relationship with me.  I had stopped caring about myself, my needs.  I came home from work, drank until I passed out, storming to myself all the time,  trying to sleep without the nightmares, and going back to work.   In truth I was starting to think it was not worth living, life was just pain.  

Then before I could work out how to die, my neighbors decided I was going out to a gay club that had opened in the last year or so.  I had worked a shut down, so I was flush with money and vacation time.  My work forced me to take a month vacation as I had so much built up.   I went out just to shut up the neighbors.  I figured I would go out, sneak back in an hour or so and it would be over.   I went to the gay bar.  An old gay guy hit on me, I said no.  A sleazy man who seemed like a used car salesman tried to hit on me, I got up and went down stairs of the bar.  That was more a sitting area with big arm chairs, a couple pool tables, and a u shaped bar.   I sat as far away from everyone as I could.  I was watching an awesome blonde guy behind the bar.  He was all I could focus on, he filled me with such feelings.  The sleazy guy came over and I asked him to leave me alone.  He saw where I was focused and went to the bar to tell the bartender.  The bartender had been watching me also.  He came over and asked me to stay till closing and to not leave.  I agreed.  After the bar closed down the bartender and I spent hours talking at the bottom bar.  Then he took me to his place.  I was stunned.  This person seemed to know what I felt, what I needed.  My world was changing and I did not even know it.  The person behind the bar, the bartender was Ron.   

Well I am wrung out.  This is long and it drained me to write it, to remember it, to experience it again.  But it also felt good.  It feels like a boil that just got lanced.  It hurt bad before, it still hurts , but the pressure of it is less.  I know people will want to respond and even ask questions.  That is OK, I am ready for it I think.  I think in some ways it would be helpful.  I can answer at my own pace and do what I need to protect myself, which I can’t do verbally.  If you have read this far, you are a kind generous person.   Thank you.   Hugs

 

The professional bigot’s actions and speech cannot be condoned, but it’s possible to understand where it comes from

Source: I recognize that furious, screaming child that lives inside Milo Yiannopoulos – The Globe and Mail

February 24, 2017

More on my routine

Filed under: Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 12:33

I would like to share with you more of my morning routine.  My routine is important to me and if rush to do something else I get all flustered.   I often forget things if I don’t stay with my routine.  I tend to be out of sorts for sometime.  

So I left off basically at getting my shower and leaving the bedroom.  I go to my office, turn on the computers, lights, open the blinds.  I then feed the cats treats as they are meowing at me, and each one is on their sides of my desk.  Milo next to the monitors, and Odie in the alcove.  I have small towels down so they know where to lay and do not try to crowd me.  If I do not put the towels down they creep closer to my hands , closer to the equipment.  I then go to the open concept kitchen / living room.  I start my coffee.  I open all the blinds.  I get a couple sodas from the refrigerator.  I return to my office.

  I should explain the lay out.  It sounds like I am moving down hallways and stuff, which is not so.  When we bought the place we loved the design of the home.  It was an older home but seemed in good shape.  We knew the owners, who had only been in the home a couple years.  They portrayed themselves as extremely moral christians.  We spent a lot of time with them and enjoyed their company.  So we were both surprised and dismayed to find out they lied to us.  The house was not sound.  It had massive water damage, mold in the walls, failing pipes, rotten floors.  After a couple years of trying to fix things piecemeal and stay ahead of each crisis Ron decided the only way to get ahead was to gut the whole place and rebuild it.  We did not see much problems.  Ron had the skills and we had the money to do it.  Then after gutting the place and pulling up the floors, taking out all the walls, redoing the pipes and electric things changed.  We lost a large chunk of our income.  I got very ill and my medical cost soared.  We also took in someone who needed a home who had no income and way to survive without us.  The repairs ground to a halt.  We lived this way for a few years.   Now things are again returning to a more normal status.  Ron and James put down floors, built new bathrooms, set up walls.  So here is the new layout for the kitchen / living room / my office.   Ron left the kitchen / living room open with no dividers.   It works best for me the less walls and hallways I have to go around.  My office has a door on an angle to the the open living room / kitchen.  Basically my door way is in the middle of both rooms.  Ron did this deliberately so I would be part of the household, and interact with others.   

Back to my morning routine.  I now start my daily computer tasks.  I first set the second computer I use to watch news and movies / videos and other things on.  I normally start with a semi news and comedy program, from there I move to several news stations.   Then on my main computer I open Twitter and do a dozen or so tweets.  Then I open my blog home page and start to answer the comments.   The comments are very important to me.  I love them.  I try to answer each one.  At this point I use to go to a bunch of comic pages I like and get chuckles out of.  However I rarely do that now as I have a lot of blogs I love that I get emails from about comments and new posts.   So because I sometimes don’t feel up to being on the computer or have doctors appointments I have gotten way behind on them.   What I prefer to do is have a list of bookmarked sites of fellow bloggers I really enjoy.  I use to just go down the list, read all the new posts and comment on them.  I prefer to do my reading and blogging this way.   Until I get my email backlog knocked down I now start by opening my email and reading each one, using them to go to the posts and comments I have missed.   

So that is my morning routine and basicly my day.  Today my computer time will be interrupted.  I did not get to my computer until 11 AM.  Then about 1 PM I have to wake Ron ( Ron worked a 12 hour shift last night and I was in too much pain to sleep until after 3 AM )  to take me to the hospital outpatient lab for a urine test.  The doctors are worried about my liver with the meds I was on.  My primary wants me to take less pain meds, which I can’t do.   My pain doctors want my primary care to put me on sugar meds that do not strain my liver, which she doesn’t want to do.  I am in the middle and having to do lots of blood and urine tests. 

This is my day, almost every day.  It is my routine and I like it.  Be well.   Hugs

 

February 22, 2017

Routine

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 15:20

I have been recently reading and responding to a really enjoyable blog called   CHRONICLES OF AN ANGLO SWISS at  https://angloswiss-chronicles.com/ .

This morning she had a grand post about routine and the effects of having it disrupted.  I found that to be so correct and so much a part of my life I was inspired to write a post of my morning and the disruption of my routine.  

For those who are not aware I am disabled by muscle / nerve / bone problems and also several syndromes and a few simply named ones like anemia.    The descriptions take longer than the names.  I can not remember a lot of stuff due to both the problems I have and the medications I must take.  Poor Ron has the unthankful job of either reminding me, correcting me when I get it wrong or seeing that I understand my requirements, medications, and the times and dosages.   There are other things he has to remind me of or remember for me But I forget.  🙂

My normal morning routine is to wake about 6:30 in the morning.  I think take the six non pain morning medications I must take.   Then I go back to sleep until about 8 AM.  At that time I take my first set of pain medications : 2 types of Morphine’s, Baclofen muscle relaxers, 800 MG Ibuprofen, Tramadol.  I take these medications and then stay in bed for between 1 & 1/2 hours to 2 hours while they take affect.  During this time I use my IPad to read news, read books, watch TV shows or movies, and now that I have the new wonderful keyboard I do email and the blogs I follow daily.   I use to have them all bookmarked but I can’t seem to find where I had them all and so now I depend on the emails I get about new posts.   If I use to got to your blog and seems like I have not been there in a while that you have been posting, please drop me an email to let me know including the link to your blog.  Thanks.

Then the morning get ready stuff including Shave/Shower/Dress.   Make coffee in the kitchen then shuffle the few steps to my office.   There I turn on the computers, lights, light candles, give the cats treats and settle in.  First I set the video computer (24 inch HD screen, ) to the first of my many morning news shows, The daily show followed in order by Hardball, Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, and lastly YouTube for all the channels I follow.  While they play I get my coffee now made and turn on twitter on the main computer ( 24 inch HD screen ) and start with my first few web sites I hit.  These are funny sites I don’t leave comments at.  The are mostly comics or opinion sites.  

Now I am on my second cup of coffee and ready to start my serious day of blogging.   I have come to depend on my email to send me to the blogs, and to tell me of comments.   I like to read the blogs, read the comments, make a comment, and setting the page to email me when new comments are made.  This takes time.  More emails come in than I can get to normal, but I am having fun and I really feel part of the community.   For me reading the blogs I get new information, I learn stuff.  Plus in the comments I feel I am part of the conversation, not just stuck in a room in my house all day most days.  I love it.  I will get sore and tired and feeling the effects of the medications I take all day.   SO sometimes I understand the pages well and can interact well.  Sometimes I get confused or totally misunderstand totally.  I recently had a conversation with a person on Arks blog I was getting frustrated with.  The person I was talking with was also getting frustrating.  I kept going back over what we both wrote to see what I was missing.  Then it hit me.  It dawned on me I at least was misreading what she was trying to say.  The meanings she was trying to convey using certain words I was get a different meaning reading those same words.  We were both hung up trying to get the other to see what was clear to each of us, but we were not understanding the word usage of the other, at least it seemed that way to me after trying to look at it carefully.  I said as much and then went to bed.    I never feel I have to be totally 100 percent correct and others always wrong.  That is silly.

So that is a basic rundown of my day.   I started this about routine and that is my basic routine for my day.   Now as to what happens when that is disrupted is like this morning.   I get frazzled and upset.  depending on how bad a disruption I get emotionally out of sorts.  This morning we had to go to the lawyers.   Plus I was late waking up.  I did not take my morning medications which caused me problems later in the morning.  I woke up late, started to read, and Ron woke up and told me we had to rush to get to the lawyers on time.  I had not had coffee, and my meds had not kicked in, so Ron made and brought me coffee before getting his shower.  As soon as he was done I went to get mine.  As I was drying off Ron told me we had about 10 minutes before we had to go.  I was upset. It takes me longer than that to get dressed and stuff.  But I hurried as fast as possible.  I was getting things wrong and forgetting things.  Thankfully Ron was calm and reminded me of what I needed.  He got me into the car and off we went.  I thought I was doing well, but I was already in a lot of pain.   Turns out I was more confused and unsettled than I thought.  First thing me and our lawyer got into an argument.  I felt she was being argumentative, which is normal for a lawyer.  I interrupted her, turned to Ron and asked him why she was being so argumentative, which set her off again.  Ron calmed both of us down.   She was just going to fast for me, and was not understanding my answers, I was not connecting what she was saying properly thinking she was trying to argue with me about everything when she was really trying to show me how the Judge would ask questions and what kind of answers he would expect.   This should go smooth but I really wish Ron could answer all the questions instead of me, but they have to hear me say I don’t remember or I don’t know before they can ask Ron.  By the time we left I  was in a serious amount of pain, had taken four more morphine’s and two muscle relaxers, was very tired, very confused, and wanting the whole thing to end.  I even missed the lawyer trying to shake my hand when we went to leave, Ron had to remind me, everyone was laughing and the lawyer was trying to make fun of it.  When we got home I sat in my office while Ron made me lunch and coffee.   Now I am feel good again as I am in my office blogging, the cats are on my desk, Ron is in bed sleeping for work tonight, and I feel comfortable again.  I guess that is the real problem, when my routine is disturbed, I don’t feel comfortable and feel like everything is wrong.   

So while nothing really bad happened today and nothing ever really does if my morning routine is messed with, it does upset me and throws me off my game plan.  I don’t seem to connect right with everything.  I feel like I am out of step with the world and the people in it.  Thankfully Ron is right with me when it happens so I am always safe and OK.  I mostly have my daily routine without interruption.  Thanks for reading.  As always feel free to comment on anything I post.  I wish everyone the best.  Hugs

 

 

February 21, 2017

Milo got into the wok

Filed under: Animals, Funny Stuff, My Life and Rants, Song — Scottie @ 01:37

So tonight our older cat Milo got into the wok Ron left on the table.  I tried several times to get a good picture, but each time he left the wok.   Then Ron came out and asked me to get some shots and Milo just let us take the pictures.  Here they are.  Plus a rather funny song at the end.  Now before anyone gets on me for he song, it is just for laughs.  It is not a thing I know for sure.   Yes if it was a real cat, a real situation, it wouldn’t be funny.  However it is a joke song.  Best wishes, much love, happy thoughts.  Hugs.

February 18, 2017

What you believe

Filed under: My Life and Rants, News, opinion, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 10:28

Recently Ron and I were at a restaurant.  We sat at a booth and across the aisle from us was another booth.  The people in the booth were older and not shy.  The were sharing their opinions with each other at a volume that could clearly be heard several tables away.  

The were fox news viewers.  The repeated said how only fox news will tell them the truth.  Fox was the only one not bought and paid for, not an arm of a political party.   They loudly affirmed that tRump was the greatest president ever, who was being unfairly attacked by the fake news people.   All other news sources were lying.  They were fake news.  They were all in the pay of the bad liberals.  You know those people who hate the country.  They were not shy about proclaiming the truth that Obama had done worse than tRump.  The shared that Obama had banned muslims from far more countries and the democrats did not care and they had proof, they saw it on fox news.  Obama had hated the country and wanted to tear it apart, and tRump had put it back together.  Already the economy was bouncing back, the unemployment rate was great again, and other countries were respecting us again.   They were going to get rid of Obamacare and replace it with the ACA.  There was so much more.  Most of it was lies, rumor and innuendo they took at serious truth.

Ron was ready to get up and go across to them and set them straight but I held him back.  I told him they simply wouldn’t believe him and he would be the one in the wrong for trying to correct them.  He would be a Hillary supporter trying to take away their rights as true Americans and if we were gay we were mostly likely perverts who wanted to make love right there in the restaurant to all the guys in sight.   It was surreal what was happening.   

Be wary my friends, they walk among us and they vote.   Hugs

 

February 14, 2017

Happy Valentines day

Filed under: Love, My Life and Rants, Thanks, Things I like — Scottie @ 10:43

My wonderful loving husband worked last night.   This morning he stopped to get a few things for me.  I have to say he is so grand.  He treats me so well.   I am so happy.  I find I am happy and content in ways that grow deeper every day.  Ron and I are closer every day.  It stuns me that after 26 + years we are still so deeply in love.     Best wishes to all. Hugs

 

February 13, 2017

Again.

Filed under: Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 09:40

I will blog later.  Right now getting ready for another doctor’s appointment.  Last monday had my shots.  Friday had the MRI.  Today primary care to again address blood tests, organ issues, meds, and of course quality of life.   I know she is going to want more blood tests as the meds they had me on were damaging my kidneys and my liver.  They found it after three months of damage.  Now they changed the meds, but are trying to see if they return to being OK or there was permanent damage.   Off I go.  I will have my pad so maybe with the new keyboard I can blog or do email.  Hugs 

February 10, 2017

The MRI

Filed under: Harm, Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 18:56

  Well let’s start at the beginning which is really last night.  I was unable to sleep all night.  I was having muscle spasms in both feet and calves in both legs but mostly the left..  It comes from the spine, which is sending signals for the muscles to contract.   The solution is to take muscle relaxers to relax both the muscles in spasm and the muscles in the back especially those next to the spine.   So last night I would lay down and three minutes later the clenching spasms in my feet and legs would drive me from the bed to stand and shuffle walk.  This happened all night.  I took the muscle relaxers.  Then took more, Then took far more.  Then at 5 AM I remembered I still had some of the really good medication that the state legislators made a law preventing my doctors from using.   It works far better than anything else prescribed for muscle spasms.  I use to take it full time.  Now that my doctors by law can’t use it they have been trying different medications that are not as good.  So I took one.   By 5:30 AM the muscles had calmed down and I was finally able to stay in bed.  I had set my alarm for 7:30 AM as I had a MRI this morning.  I slept right through the alarm.  I woke up at 9 which was OK.   I did my morning “get ready for the day” preparations.  Then knowing that I couldn’t have any muscle cramps in the MRI I took another of the really good medication.  

I was in a lot of pain by the time we got to the MRI place.  So as we sat waiting I took some pain pills.  This was in addition to the normal “first thing in the morning” pain medication I take.   So I was very heavily medicated by the time they took me back to the MRI.  I have had many MRI’s and never had a problem.  I am not claustrophobic and the tight tubes have never caused any trouble.  I normally spend the time thinking of the small stories I create in my head to entertain myself.  I was not expecting any problems this time.  

I was wrong, Oh so very wrong!

I changed and they took me to the machine.  I laid down and then as the pain started I realized we would have a problem.  I explained to them that I had been having muscle spasms and if it happened inside the MRI they would have to pull me out.  They said they couldn’t do that. I told them they sure would.  I was already in pain and now realized I would have to stay motionless in the MRI, I had forgotten that.  I need to move a lot, to keep changing the pressure points on the bones and to ease the muscles.  I had an unsupported space between my back and the table, I had my knees in a foam mold and a weight on the bad knee they were to scan.  Remember I have decaying and damaged vertebrae along with problems with the disc material between the vertebrae.  Both of these cause damage to the nerves in the channel in the spine.  In my left hip I have a fracture and a collapsed hip joint from Avascular necrosis.  Plus the damage to the knee that I hurt when I fell.   Within minutes I was in severe pain.  This test was to take 30 minutes and within minutes of the start I was already in agony.  I couldn’t move to relieve myself in any way.  My arms were not inside the machine and I was moving them from my chest to straight up to help my mind control the pain.  They told me to stop moving my arms.

My pain level rose until I couldn’t think or hardly breath.  I ran through every method I knew to help with pain.  I was losing the battle.  I was starting to cry.  I was forcing my self to stay as still as possible and letting the agony eat me alive.  I have felt pain that intense only in my childhood sexual abuse.  The actions taken against me caused me such pain I can’t describe.  At least then I could move some to try to relive the pain, I could struggle and move some.  Then after it had happened more times and kept happening for years, my body found ways to deal with it, to try to relax the part that was invaded and harmed.  There was no way I could stop it, it was going to happen despite anything I tried to do, all I could do was make it hurt less if possible.   My body found ways to make it less painful, less harmful, while my mind simply went to other places so I wouldn’t have to deal with or face what was happening.   In the MRI I needed my mind to stay as I needed to control my body to not move as it desperately needed to.  I was starting to flash back and I had to use all my strength and control not to let go.  

I was going to describe what I was talking about and then when I tried to type it I just can’t do it.  I am struggling to write this as it is and as it is not a critical part of this story I don’t see subjecting my self and you to the full in your face descriptions of actions you can figure out your self is needed.   It hurts me to think of it, and it hurts worse to tell of it.  It basically puts me back there in the time and place when it happened.  

They stopped the test for a minute with 8 minutes left .  They had noticed my distress and the tears on my face and warned me to keep my arms still.   I informed them of my pain, my current medical problems, and asked if I could move to reduce the pain.  They said no.  I either stopped the test now, or they needed me to remain where I was.   I felt trapped and losing hope.  Later Ron was upset when he heard all this and seen me when I came out, he said he would have stopped the test, but they wouldn’t have let him in anyway.  So back in the MRI I told them to continue.  Well after the first part of the 8 minute test was done I informed them to stop, they had one more slice to do and I told them  no, I with drew permission for the test or what ever it took.  I was flashing in my head to a bad place, I was in pain I can’t describe.  I have broken bones and had exposed nerves that never hurt like this.  I have driven nails through my hands , nearly cut off a big toe, and had my finger slammed in a car door and it still was not anywhere near as much pain as I was in right then.  I can handle pain, I live with it.  However after nearly 30 minutes of unrelenting agony I was done.  I reached the end of my rope.   They stopped the test.   

I needed help to get up off the table.  I was not able to on my own and they couldn’t bring my cane in to the room.   Then when I stood I could only use one leg.  The left was useless and in pain.  So this thin 98 pound woman offered to help me.  I was scared to put any weight on her but I had to a little.  I scrunched my way to the door and my cane.  Then slowly dressed, calmed down, took some medications.  Then they escorted me back to waiting room to see Ron.  When we got home Ron made me lunch and remarked I looked stoned.  I was.  Not only stoned from all the medications, 2 kinds of morphines, Baclofen muscle relaxers, Soma muscle relaxers, tramadol, ibuprofen to name the pain medications.  Plus a good old trip down the childhood abuse memory lane.  I was simply stunned.  Ron decided we both needed to go to bed.  Ron made it all as well as he could for me.  I fell in to a deep sleep, and only woke up when my alarm went off that I set to bring Ron his coffee on work nights. 

Well thank you for reading.  I wish the best to you and your families.  Many hugs, Scottie

 

 

 

 

February 9, 2017

Readers help

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 13:44

I like wordpress.  However I pay about 30 dollars a year to make sure no advertisements appear on my web pages.   However I just noticed my advertisement blocker says there are five advertisements on my blog.   I need my viewers to tell me if they see advertisements when they come to my blog?  If they do then I will have to take action as I am not getting what I pay for.   Thank you.  Hugs

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