Scotties Toy Box

January 24, 2020

I am home

Filed under: My Life and Rants, News — Scottie @ 13:39

Hello Everyone of you grand and happy people.   I just got home in time to watch the starting of the last day of the House side of the impeachment trial opening statements.   I left the house at about 9:15 AM to take the car to the dealership.   About every 3 months or so they send us a card to bring the car in for the auto butler program.   They wash it really well and then fix any paint spots and then give it a new coating of clear coat.   It really makes it look brand new.   Plus we also have them do the oil changes then even though it never really needs it, plus the stuff that they do every time we bring it in, rotate the tires and check the fluids / brakes / and all that stuff.    It takes between three to four hours.  Ron was going to take it in but he had stuff to do so I did it.   The dealership service area is really nice, they have free water , chips, cookies, and other stuff.   They are really nice and helpful.   The chairs are padded but they are simply waiting room chairs.  There are a lot of chairs along the walls and throughout the large room.   They have four round tables with chairs and 6 high sitting chairs along one wall, and a seperate room for people with children.   They are very attentive including sending you a text as soon as you sign in so if you need to talk to the attendant organizing the servicing on your car you can reach them, Plus there is a concierge ready to help you in the waiting room itself.   This entire service is part of a deal we made when we bought the car, so it is at no additional cost.   

I mention all this to explain that it is not their fault I am in serious pain.  I can not complain about the time they took, they did a great job and they even got it done a little early for me.   But sitting there in those chairs was driving me out of my mind.   I moved from a chair along the wall to one at the table and that was a help.   But when it came time to get back into the car I couldn’t get my leg up high enough to get into it.   Normally I hold my cane in my left hand, hold the steering wheel with my right and use both to steady me and raise my right leg in first and then slide the rest of me into the seat.   However I was having a hard time, and the attendant who escorted me to the car was getting worried and asked if I needed assistance.   Not sure he thought that through, was he going to kneel down and lift my leg for me in such close quarters?   That would have been uncomfortable for both of us. 😃😀😜  I instead turned and lowered my self in backward and then turned facing forward bringing my legs into to the car as I turned.    Ron is cooking lunch and doing the laundry as I am in no shape to do much but sit watching the impeachment hearing and cursing at Republicans.   I tried to blog from the dealership but my WordPress password wouldn’t work. 😢😖🤬  I hope to catch up now.    Hugs


January 16, 2020

A pleasant and wonderful surprise.

Filed under: Children, Family, Love, My Life and Rants, People I like, Things I like — Scottie @ 17:05

A couple days ago when texting with our son he asked if we would be home today and he would stop by.  Ron worked last night so he would catch a few hours sleep so he could also visit with James when he got here.  It was nice when the boy moved out making his own way in the world, but we do miss him.  He works so many shifts and crosses shifts to work any time they need him.   It is hard on him and hard to plan anything so our visits are fewer than we would like.   But it is expensive for young people these days and give the boy all the credit he is doing well for someone his age in today’s expensive world.   I am really proud of him and the way he has turned out, the man he has become.   After a few hours visiting he asked if he could take us out for lunch.   We agreed to go to lunch but told him we would pick up the tab.   We were his age once and know how hard it was for us then.   So we all went out to eat.   James took us to a pizza place we have never been to before and it was grand.  It was really nice with unusual decor and artisan menu.   It was a grand time and an older couple in the booth behind us with their grand child stopped to talk with us.   The woman said I looked very failure to her and wondered where we may have met.   I get this occasionally from my days working in the Surgical ICU at HealthPark Hospital.    I explained to her I had worked there in the 5th floor ICU, and sometimes helped out in other ICU units.  She started to smile broadly and laughed.  She had worked on the 6th floor.   She and I had left the hospital about the same time but she remembered me.   Seems I had gone up and helped them out a few times and she remembered that.   She had to come to the ICU a few times and remembered how ( in her words ) kind and nice I had been.  It is nice to be remembered.    James , Ron, and I all shared a bunch of appetizers and a large pizza.     We talked to him about him and his girlfriend would like to go to Busch Gardens with us as we often went to the theme parks when he lived with us.   We told him we would pick up the tickets as his birthday present.   He was excited and would work out a date with us.   He offered to drive, which I thought was wonderful as at our age a day walking around a theme park in the Florida heat is very tiring.   James was worried about me being able to do it and remarked we should look into a scooter for me.   Smarty pants I scolded him, but I was pleased he realized the difficulties and was thinking ahead.  James did react quickly when the bill came taking it from the server before I could reach it.   Ron tried to tell him we would be more than happy to get the bill, but James was firm, it was his wish and he wanted to do it.   As he had the bill in his hands we gave in.  I was in a lot of pain by the time we left, my back was wrecked and when I went to stand up I couldn’t get my legs to push me upright.   Ron helped me up.   I could see James was worried.   So we are home, Ron has gone to bed, both cats were waiting for us when we got home and Milo is sacked out on my desk.   I found the PBS video of the impeachment trail and have it set up to see what I missed.   Yes I know I just am addicted to knew but this is a historical event.  I will now look at the comments I love that came in while I was gone.   Be well everyone.   Hugs

January 15, 2020

Damn it

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 19:34

Hello everyone.  A while ago I was pouring my favorite soda in to my glass when I had one of my muscle spasms.  My arm flung out hitting the glass and sent it and the soda in it on a nice ark around the room.  The glass did not survive the trip.  So I have just spent the last 45 minutes mopping up and trying to find all shards of glass. 

When this problem was really bad for me we bought a set of really heavy big glasses.   You can throw them at a brick wall and the brick will break.   We have three of them, guess for a while I will have to start using them again. 

At least this is better than when they tried me on Gabapentin.   My hand / arm twitches  and spasms were out of control.  I would throw my phone across the room with no control.

On other news I have given out three maps and helped three lost souls find their way.  Sorry, not to a deity, I prefer helping people find things in our reality.  See our park was once a single property, and filed with the state as the roads were then.   But over time, decades, the owner got really great offers for the land facing the main road and sold it off, but never told the state the map of the place changed.  The problem now is the GPS systems have the old maps but they are wrong.  The other problem is the park is in four sections, phase 1,2, 3 and RV park model.  So my street is South Pioneer.  Yet the entire other RV / park model side is 17200 pioneer street, followed by a lot number.  

So everyone from delivery people to healthcare providers to pizza delivery people come to my home which is at the end of the street and get massively confused that  address they are looking for is not there.   Most come in the entrance and see on their right South Pioneer Street and they take it thinking that must be the 17200 Pioneer they are looking for.    Then they get to the end where I am and get all messed up.   So a bunch of years ago I printed up maps of the park and when I see people struggling outside my home I go out and give them a map and try to help them find the place they are looking for.  Most of the time it is because they do not understand to look at the lot number.  Well most towns and cities don’t have them do they, just street addresses.  Anyway today I had my first semi come down the street.  After he sat there for a while I noticed another person in a golf cart roll up to his window.  The person must have been seasonal because he gave this guy really bad instructions.  So I went out and offered him a map.  He declined saying the address was wrong.  Been here / heard that and knew I just had to let him figure it out.  He checked his freight and the address on it matched.   I seen him walking around his truck scratching his head so I went back out.  This time he showed me the address, I explained the problem to him and gave him the park map I had.  But the problem was his truck was too long to make the corners required to get to the address.  As some one who drove a 62 foot long truck, trailer RV unit, and before that a semi in Germay, I know the problems of tight turns.   So I showed him on the map how to get to the office where they could deal with the problem.   I was rewarded by a really intense nice hug from a really well build hunky guy.  The guy’s arms were bigger than my legs.   The guy could have bench pressed me with no problem.   I have to say that even with his broken English if he had hugged me a bit longer I would have told him to leave the truck parked there and come in to the house … oh the dreams of old queens.  Hugs


January 14, 2020

I can not do it.

Filed under: Animals, My Life and Rants, Reason, Things I like — Scottie @ 18:46

I have 25 open tabs on my computer to read.  I just can not get my mind to focus on them.  I am going to shut this computer down and start a movie on the other one, even though I know I won’t finish it.  If my life pattern is true I will be up by 3 AM and start again.  Thanks to everyone, if there is something you want me to get to let me know.   Oh and Milo is again sacked out in front of my keyboard.  I feel that is going to become his fav place.   Hugs


Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 16:52

A quick note.  Sorry I am late getting to everyone and have not gotten to other blogs.  The pain in my spine / back is making it hard to even breath.  Damn I am in pain and I have taken all the pain medications I have.  My next visit to my pain doctor I am going to have to ask them to put me back on Morphine or something.  My attempt to be “manly” and take the pain is not working and not worth it.  I am having not only more pain but having to keep going to lay down to try to ease my spine.  I am not complaining it is my own fault, I get thinking I am better ( because my pain can decrease or increase with out reason ) and I ask to be taken off my stronger pain medications.  Well the strong ones do have a negative impact on the body, which I do not need really, plus I worry about addiction.   My pain doctors love when I do that as it shows I am aware of my situation, but then it gets overwhelming again.  In this much pain it is hard to concentrate, hard to focus.  I miss details and often just stop and get up to try to get relief.  Keeping a thread of things hard.  I want to scream.  I have been trying to answer comments for a while and it is hard.    

OK thank you for letting me vent.  Forget this post, as I am not asking for sympathy , just letting you know what I am dealing with.  I have to remember there are people who are a lot worse off than I, people who are homeless, who have no food, who are being harmed daily.  

You know it is an indoctrination from my childhood that men took pain, men did not cry, boy’s raped did not tell, the bruises were badges of honor.  It has created the problem I am in now.  I try to force my self off pain medications I need.   My medical history is clear, my bones are badly damaged and my muscles are also.  I am tired today, tired of tRump, tired of my pain, tired of being worried about bills and money, tired of worrying about the future for both my country and my own family.  

Yet on the other hand what keeps me going along with life is my husband and my cats and also this blog.   I interact with so many interesting people.  The internet allows me to learn other views, educate myself, and to read such wonderful blogs.  I get exposed to so many different views.   

So please excuse my momentary weakness.  I took more medications and they are kicking in.  I am sorry to have unloaded this on you.  But as with my abuse writing about it, sharing it , helps in some weird way I have yet to understand.  I was taught to hide all of it,  yet at times I write it out and I feel better?   I should ask Dwain  ( professor Taboo about that ) OK my pain is getting better and my mind clearer so off I go back to my comments.  Thanks to those still reading.  Hugs


January 12, 2020

A video I thought I lost. Rambling about a bunch of topics.

Filed under: Economics, Greed, Health, My Life and Rants, News, Political, Questions — Scottie @ 16:48

January 7, 2020

Every good deed, Ron is angry at both me and Milo

Filed under: Animals, Family, My Life and Rants, News — Scottie @ 18:52

So I have a sliced open first finger on my left hand and Ron is pissed.   I was holding Milo and handing him up to an upper shelf he likes to lay on.  He suddenly freaked out, started to struggle and clawed me deep on my left hand.   I let go of him and he hung by his front leg claws.   I quickly forgot my own pain and the blood running out of my hand and grasped my wonderful friend and got him off the shelf and on to the floor.  He thanked me by meowing and bumping my leg, he knew what I had done to help him.  He right now is next to me on my desk. Ron on the other hand is royally pissed off.  He insisted on treating the cut as an open wound ( which it is ) and as I am a diabetic it needs special treatment.  He salved it , bandaged it, and gave Milo the stink eye.  I kept telling him I was at fault and it would be OK but he wouldn’t stop until I let him mummify my finger.  I am not sure which is worse, Milo being so upset when it happened, or Ron being so angry now that it happened.      I guess I should love both of them that they  care so much.   Yes I know tomorrow that finger is going to hurt like hell, but what can a person do?    I promise I will live to fight another day.   Hugs

December 27, 2019

Trump’s New Legal Adviser Is an Anti-LGBT, Fox News-Ready Bomb Thrower

I really would like to ask the Log Cabin Republicans and Peter Thiel, who are all gay but support a party / person who would slit their throats without any remorse.   I keep hearing they think their money will protect them.  How the heck did that work out in Germany in the late 1930’s?  This has gone beyond a thought exercise we are watching the complete dismantling of every protection LGBTQ+ people have, and next will come the denial of jobs and housing, then the rounding up and jailing.   Damn it people remember history.   This is what the white evangelical hate preachers desperately want.   Hugs

And yet, Ellis, a constitutional law attorney who’d worked since last year as the public policy director at the James Dobson Family Institute, has quickly gone from relative obscurity to talking directly with the president about politics and impeachment. In recent weeks, he’s reached out to her to ask about fighting back against his Democratic enemies, and has casually analyzed and praised her TV hits when she’s not around, say two people with knowledge of the president’s conversations.

“She gets it,” Trump has privately gushed in the past month, according to one of these sources.

“I’m disappointed conservatives are acquiescing to the LGBT agenda… The Orlando shooting was absolutely terrible and tragic. But the response to this tragedy should not be embracing and advocating for gay rights.”
— Jenna Ellis, after the Pulse nightclub massacre

More recently, Ellis says she’s even had the opportunity to flex her influence by counseling the president on his bombastic six-page letter delivered to Capitol Hill shortly before he was impeached this month, bashing Democratic leaders and insisting that “more due process was afforded to those accused in the Salem Witch Trials” in the 17th century.

“I reviewed [the letter]…but it’s 100 percent him. It’s perfect,” Ellis told PJ Media last week. The letter’s drafting process included White House brass such as Trump’s immigration adviser and chief speechwriter Stephen Miller, though White House attorneys were largely cut off from the initial process.

Ellis’ roots are firmly in the Christian right. Her 2015 book, The Legal Basis for a Moral Constitution, argues that progressive judicial philosophy has spawned “a culture that lacks objective morality and embraces secular ideas” and urges the country to “get back to being a biblically moral, upright society.”

“In an increasingly politically and religiously diverse America, we have been sold the idea that the political questions of government, rather than being dependent on faith, are completely separate,” Ellis argued in a 2017 column. “But the Founders saw these questions of who we say Jesus is and what we say government is [as] inextricably intertwined.”

Much of her recent fire as a legal commentator has been aimed at the 2015 Supreme Court decision in Obergefell v. Hodges that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide. And while she couches those arguments in legal terms, Ellis has also exhibited some general antipathy to the gay community. Her book complains that the Supreme Court “told the LGBT community that their homosexual lifestyle was not just legal privately, but morally validated openly through government recognition and social celebration and therefore equally as valued as heterosexual unions.”

In the wake of a 2015 shooting at a gay nightclub in Orlando that left 49 dead, Ellis penned a column that condemned the massacre, but bemoaned that it was being used to dignify homosexuality.

“I’m disappointed conservatives are acquiescing to the LGBT agenda,” Ellis wrote. “Let me be clear—the Orlando shooting was absolutely terrible and tragic. But the response to this tragedy should not be embracing and advocating for gay rights.” The piece was headlined, “Two Wrongs Do Not Make an LGBT Right.”

The facts are clear, they are not just coming for the brown and black people, they are coming for the rest of us who do not fit their idea of normal upstanding people.   We have seen this before and even in the last few years.   We need to be aware.   We are under attack.   Hugs


December 26, 2019

My Christmas

Filed under: Family, Food, Health, Love, My Life and Rants, Ron — Scottie @ 04:16

I slept through most of Christmas day.   I have not been able to get much sleep / rest for months.   I go to bed so tired I can not function and in less than four hours of fitful sleep I am up again.   Some nights I wake up in pain or in spasms with in a hour of going to bed.    There is not more they can do for it, but give me more spine shots.   So Christmas eve I went to bed at 6 right after Ron left for work.  For some reason Ron texted me repeatedly over the next hour waking me a few times.  Then when I explained to him to please let me sleep,  some asshole with a blaring car stereo drove up and down the streets, stopping occasionally and then starting up again.   Just as I was about to call management and complain they left.   Yea.   I tried to drift off again.   Then joy of joys, drunken people on golf carts wailing something vaguely resembling a Christmas song and ringing bells decided to parade up and down the street.  I though seriously of asking Satan to deliver drone strikes but felt the now started local fireworks would drown them out well enough.   So I lay there listening to the pop pop of people in the park thinking they were showing Christmas spirit by setting off rows of fire crackers and occasional larger fire works.  Pop, pop, phff, boom.   Repeat.    But the real noise makers were the local government fire works of the cites around us, who competed until midnight to see who could make the loudest booms.   At midnight peace reigned on earth, or at least in my park and I hope I could get a few hours of sleep.  It was not to be because my laying in bed had upset my spine and the spasms in my legs and feet started.  After a half hour of fighting them I got up, started the coffee and went online grumpy, tired, and with about 2 and a half hours of broken sleep dished out in about 20 minute segments.   I sent Ron a merry Christmas wish at work.   Yea!    Ron got home at 8, took a nap, and got up at noon to start the turkey and stuff.   I struggled to stay up but I couldn’t and went to bed about 2 PM.  Ron woke me around 4, I stayed up long enough to eat a little of the food he worked so hard to cook, with all the trimmings.  I did not even make it to the pies.   I went back to bed.   I slept until 8 PM, woke up, realized Ron had come to bed and I had not woken up, something really rare that I do not notice when he or even the cats enter the bedroom.   I then fell back to sleep.  Glory of glories.   Woke at midnight, took some pain and muscle medications and fell asleep again.  Maybe there is a god?   I woke up at 2:30 AM with muscle spasms so I got up.  But I feel great, better than I have in a long time.   I can not remember when I got that much sleep.   I feel bad that Ron cooked all that food and I barely tasted it.  But the left over will be grand.  So that was my Christmas.   I hope everyone else had a great day also.    Hugs

December 23, 2019

Only in Florida trailer park.

Filed under: Funny Stuff, My Life and Rants, Questions — Scottie @ 11:04

I just seen two men rolling up the road.   One was on a self propelled cooler and the other in his three wheel handicap scooter.  Both were carrying their shuffle board cue sticks.    The large hound dog following behind them seemed the most normal of the group.   😃😀😉😎😎  Hugs

December 21, 2019

OK as part of what my Toy Box viewer have suggested

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 15:57

Hello all my Toy Box viewers as I mentioned before I have a lot of purchased movies to watch.   So I will be hit or miss on the blog for the next few hours as I watch a movie.   Love you all.   Hugs

December 16, 2019

A IPhone question

Filed under: Economics, My Life and Rants, Questions — Scottie @ 20:41

Hello My wonderful grand Toy Box viewers.   Economics / finances is not my strongest suite.  I have been beating my head against the walls on a subject I now would like your input on. 

Ron and I have IPhone 6 and 6+, mine is the plus because I need a bigger screen.   We plan to stay with the IPhones.  But ours have about run their course in life and are failing, not to mention a lack of update ability.

I have tried to investigate how to buy a new phone.   Here are our choices and each has good and bad to them. 

  1.   Buy two new phones out right by taking the money from our savings.
  2. Buy two new phones from our cell carrier at their price and monthly surcharge rate
  3. Buy them directly from our local apple store with their credit or out right, but the store not only claims it works with / can offer a better deal than the cell carrier


So as much as I look into this I keep going back and forth.  I want to buy them out right through our local Apple store and be done with it.  Ron hates to spend that kind of money and he wants to drag the pain out slower and at a smaller amount.  We can not move forward until we break this impasse of how to buy these thing.  The other thing to add to the equation is Ron likes the smallest phone because he hates anything in his pockets and small is better.   For me with my bad eye sight I need the biggest size phone I can get.  So the phone I get is going to be twice as much as his as best I can tell. 

The more I try to deal with this online the more confused I get.  It seems everyone that can sell us these phones wants to make it as confusing as possible.  

We have decided that we must do this in January because his phone is failing and mine already has charge wise.  I get about four hours out of my phone before it has to be recharged.  Anyone have any ideas?    Hugs


10 shots

Filed under: Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 12:07

Hello all my Toy Box viewers.   I am glad to see all of you again.   I got home about 20 minutes ago, and after peeling some potatoes for Ron who is making us a lunch of roasted beast / gravy / smashed potatoes / kernel sweet corn.  I will have bread with mine, he is cutting carbs.

I had to visit the medical provider that provides my pain medication / treatments.   I have been having more bad spasms especially at night as my up all night postings can show.   So as it has been two months since my last trigger point shots, we did trigger point injections.  This time it was ten spots they shot.    It is a risk factor thing.  Yes I get relief from pain and spasms, but the steroids medication mix can thin my already thin bones even more and it messes with my keeping my blood sugar under control.   We discussed that it was time for more spine shots.   I hedged.  I know I have to do it, and they really do try to make it as painless as possible, but I would require at least four, and for about the first three to four days I feel like someone kicked me right in the back because when they do it my back muscles spasm bad.   It hurts.   I can hardly stand to sit or lay down, it is very frustrating until the muscles relax again and then it is a big help.     If they could give me trigger points and the spine shots at the same or near some time as each other it would be great.     But the steroids would be far too much. 

Anyway, I am lucky and after lunch I will will be back on to others blogs reading and commenting.   See you soon.   Hugs

December 14, 2019


Filed under: Animals, Children, Family, Love, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 14:54

Milo has been with me since 2010.   I say me because it is clear he thinks I am his special pet.   He is the one that sleeps on my pillow and is next to me most of the time on my desk.   Ron and James used to lament that while Milo will swipe at them claws out and has bitten them he won’t do that to me.   

I think a few minutes ago I sort of got the idea why I do not fear him biting or cutting me.   I sleep with his paws on my face so if he was going to hurt me he could at any time.   Earlier today we got a delivery from Amazon and I put the box on the floor for Milo, he loves boxes, he gets in them and claws the cardboard all to heck.   This time when he went to do that something went wrong.   

I was sitting at my desk reading the comments on Nan’s blog and heard Milo start to cat scream.  I quickly looked over and he was in the box and his claw(s) was caught.   It clearly was painful and he was upset.   I rushed over to him and he was telling the whole world it hurt.   I reached in and went to put my hands around him.   He started to thrash his head back and forth.   Don’t touch me it hurts he was crying.   I knew I had to even if he bit me because it was the only way to help him.  

Trust.   A wonderful thing.  I reached in and wrapped my hands around his chest, his head dashed to the left hitting my left hand hard with his mouth.   His closed mouth.   He never opened his mouth.   I gently pulled him up and forward releasing his claws.   He stopped yelling and I set him on the ground.   He started doing the cat I love you bumps on my hands and legs.   Trust.   I trusted he wouldn’t bite me, he trusted I would help him.   Trust.  It can be a good thing.   Hugs

December 12, 2019

Main blogging computer

Filed under: My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 15:58

Sorry everyone, my main blogging computer is down and being run through reset.  Starting monday it got hit with malware attacks, and Norton took care of them.  But yesterday I suspected something and today I tried to play several twitter videos  and they wouldn’t play.  So I sent them to my pad and they would.  I sent them to this computer and they did play.   That meant I had a problem with my main blogging computer.  That means something has happened so I decided to simply reset the computer, hopefully that will fix any problems.   Until tomorrow, Hugs

Allergy shots

Filed under: Health, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 04:21

Hello wonderful Toy Box viewers.   Thanks for taking the occasional glance over my Toy Box now and again.   Posting will be light today as I will be out of my office getting my allergy shoots.  I do them every three weeks now, may soon go to once a month.   Yea!  Hugs

December 3, 2019

Too much touch.

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants — Scottie @ 19:13

Last week a man who lives in our park stopped at my house to ask if I would help his wife with some computer problems.   The man is 84 years old.   While asking me this he repeatedly took my hand, he gets way to close and them pats my shoulder.  He is totally clueless to my discomfort and the fact I am on my top step pressed against the door to my office.   The abused child in me is melting down in sobs and screams.   I tell him I will call his wife after the weekend.   He leaves.  He is just like Joe Biden acts with people only worse.  It is horribly creepy.  It gets worse. 

Today at 10 AM I arrive at their place in the park, he is out front by the door.  He grabs my hand, pulls me in to him, doesn’t let go, keeps talking, getting closer.  I want to wrench my hand away I want to step back.   He grabs my arm telling me how glad he is I am helping his wife.  I am about to scream or run.  I control my self, disentangle my self and tell him I must see what I can do for his wife with out delay.   I am angry now, he is creepy and I do not want him around me.  I try to force a good humor when meeting his wife, but memories are hammering at my mind. 

Their small desk is in the narrowest spot in the home, with just enough room for the over large printer and a laptop, the mouse and pad is on the very edge of the desk in front of the laptop, she laughs they need a bigger desk.  I suggest as the printer is wireless they simply move it to another location, she doesn’t understand.  It works good where it is she replies.  They have always had it there.  She doesn’t understand what it being wireless means. 

So I pull up a chair as there is none at the desk as she uses a scooter in the home.  The place the desk is in with me in a chair pulled close to the desk there is about 8 inches from the wall behind us.   She drives the scooter in until the front wheel touches my leg, I try to pull back even though it causes my leg to start to go numb. 

I start fixing her problem which involves like it does most of the people who contact me with a password error.  She has like most of the people I deal with a stack of post it notes with different words and things scrawled on them with no dates.  Try this , no , try that one.  I have learned that after two attempts to simply insist on changing the password using the forgot password.   Despite my asking her to write it all down  including the date, a new post it note is now scratched on with no date or identifying marks.  Oh it is OK she says I will know what it goes to.   Fuck me!  I can see another house call coming. 

He comes in the door next to me, he has to change and go out.  Grabs my arm as I am moving the mouse, moves beside me and puts both hands on my shoulders.  I am about to explode.  I shift trying to get him to take his hands off me.   I remind my self I am a bearded 56 year old man not a small boy, I still need him to back off.  I turn causing him to lose his grip and pushing me into her scooter.    I tell him I have lots of stuff yet to do.  He says he needs me to come over and explain to him how to turn the computer on.  He has to learn to use it.  Did I mention he is 84?  I am sweating now, and my heart is racing, but I must focus my mind, I am here to solve her computer problems most of which I have already done.  He leaves.  

I explain to her that they get a free antivirus / firewall with their internet subscription.  They did not know, and no they do not have any protection.  Damn.  It is so hot in the house because as she says she can not take the cold.  I am sweating.  I explain antivirus / firewall and why it is important.  She says if it is free get it.  I explain again it is part of her subscription, she doesn’t care.   To her it is free. 

She has not done any updates since they got the laptop a year ago, I start them and explain to her how to do them and why.  Another post it note. 

I install the Norton protection on the computer and am doing the updates, almost all is done.  He comes back.  Starts touching me again.  Starts at the arm and moves up.  I have had it.  I explain I have to go.  I interrupt him, tell him I need to stand up please move back.  I ask her to move her scooter.  I put the chair back where it was before, I tell them I simply have to go they can call me.  He says he will stop by the house if he has questions.  I do not say I will answer the door.   Neither of them seem to register how angry I am inside , how I have reached very angry upset stage and will not stay there any longer.  She offers me money and I do not even count it, just tell her it is fine, thank you.  But she wants to talk about the money.   I explain that I do this for donations, there is no set charge, give what she thinks she can afford and what it was worth, anything is OK , nothing is also OK.  She wants to talk guilt.   The boy in me is in tears and shredded, he needs to get out of there , he needs to go home to comfort and safety.  I am trying hard to keep the outer face calm and professional.   She doesn’t get it and wants to talk about her guilt about not seeming to pay me enough, she may need to call me again.  Not seeming to remember I have helped her on and off for about at least 10 years.     I explain again I do not charge, I work by donation.  I do not want anyone to feel they can not ask for my help due to their financial situation, if they can not pay I still help, I do not gossip, I do not judge.  I want to make sure those that need computer help get it and if they can give something to me that is nice, but not expected.    She starts to tell me how hard things are for her children.  

There is no reason for this.  She already had the money set aside, I had already seen it.  I do not care at this point, three hour of my life have past in a hot closed in space with a man who keeps touching me which I really do not want.  I told Ron if he had gotten any further I was going to demand he at least buy me fucking dinner. 

She has given me the money, the questions have been answered, he has gone some where, but before I can leave she now wants to talk.   I explain I really have to go, we can make another appointment and she can call me with any questions.    Great, talk later, got to go. 

Get home, blood pressure really high, pulse 124, emotion level high, pain levels high.   I checked both when I got inside.   Get a drink, sit in my office chair, the cats run to me as I have been gone, start to relax, start to comfort the panicked screaming boy inside me, telling my self all is OK.   She called. 

The computer screen shows this .  Yes, normal, just hit this, no close out that , OK accept this.  OK yes that.  Can she call me again to come over?   I guess if you need me but remember I can answer a lot of stuff over the phone.   Yes but it is easier when you are here and he wants you to start teaching him how to use a computer.   I tell her  I have to go.

When I got Ron up I told him about this.  He doesn’t think I should help them.  I told him if I do not help them I must not help anyone.  He reminded me I do not owe it to anyone to help them, I do not have to.   I do not feel that way.   I have a skill, knowledge gained over years.  I also have patience to deal with wilful ignorance.  I just do not, can not stand to be touched and petted while helping.  

This another reason Biden can not be the democratic nominee.   Man his age and mind set just don’t get it.  He doesn’t have the right to touch others, pet them, paw them, in Biden’s case sniff their hair .  It is not normal.  It is not wanted.   Hey consent anyone! 

Well thank you wonderful Toy Box viewers for letting me get that off my chest.  My heart rate has still not settled down even though I had a wonderful call from an internet friend.  It is possible the man never meant any harm, it is just his normal way.  His way of being friendly.  But my past did not agree, to me he was a predator acting creepy.   I hate to think of how he acts with  his great grand children.  Oh well, another day in a Florida trailer park in the life of Scottie.    Hugs


December 2, 2019

The vortex rages

Filed under: Dealing With Abuse, My Life and Rants, Reason — Scottie @ 13:48

It has been a rough couple days, maybe more I am starting to lose track of time.   The vortex is trying hard to ensnare my mind.   I am fighting hard, with everything I have but I am losing this time.  Most times I win, I know what is happening, I can keep the vortex just on the fringe .   But it got past my defenses and now I must fight it already storming inside the barriers. 

I developed the analogy of a vortex, sort of an upside down tornado when I had to describe to people what happens to my mind and emotions when the memories surface and become overwhelming.   The storms always batters against my mind, the storm rages at different levels but when it becomes a vortex it is gone from being a constant thing, a reminder of days long gone, but a sucking monster trying to draw me into a mentally repeating pattern of memories I can not escape from.  The memories play over and over, drawing me deeper and deeper into the emotions.   It causes the emotions to open and become raw, making it seem like it is happening now, again, always. 

For the longest time my only defense against the vortex was to become super focused .  I organized everything, when Ron moved in he was amazed at my home, everything had a place and was never out of place.  I even had my clothing in my dressers and closet organized.   I not only organized by item, use , but also by length, even color.   Files were cross referenced in my file cabinet and I was meticulous about saving and filing everything.  Basically my way of dealing was to control as tightly as I could everything in my control.  To lock my emotions down as tight as possible.   I have described my memories and emotions as something I place in a chest, wrapped in the strongest chains locked with the strongest locks and thrown in the the deepest parts of the oceans.   The thing is that works for a while, it really does, but some how those demons find ways out, it seems to be their job.

Sadly life is not really controllable and especially when others are involved.   The world doesn’t like control and other people do not fit into nice boxes and lines.  Life is messy and chaotic.   In 1990 to other it seemed I had it all , a great job making a lot of money, a new home, new motorcycle, new truck, all the toys.   I was barely hanging on emotionally.  I was a living time bomb about to self destruct. 

Then something happened that changed my life and saved me as best as it can be saved.   I met Ron.  I have told the story before, it was unexpected and completely shouldn’t have happened but it did.   The thing is our relationship, his love, his ways gave me the handles to hold onto when the vortex came.  Instead of falling hard into it, I now had something to hold on to , to fight back.  

So I have handles, I have supports to use to fight the vortex.   Sometimes it keeps me from it entirely and it only howls at the edges of my mind, other times the handles slow my decent and give me the way to claw my way back out of the deep dark depths.   The last few days have been bad for me. 

For a while I have avoided leaving the house, taking my comfort and strength from my familiar surrounding and my two cats that want to be with me most of the time.   I have to be careful about that as I could easily become a hermit.  It is comforting to me to be in my place where I have complete control.   But I have needed new shoes for a while, and I decided to force my self out to buy them.  Ron seemed to know how it was for me as he out of the blue decided he would come with me, “But your driving” he said.   Side note, I do most of the driving as I have driven everything from double wagon tractors to semi trucks and it is just something I do well.  Ron prefers me to drive and it seems to feel right to me. 

The reason this is worth mentioning is I have a hard time find shoes that feel OK on my feet and Ron really doesn’t care to be with me as it takes time and he has described it as “Screeching fingers on a chalk board”.  But today he wanted to go, so we went in the early morning as he has to work tonight.   So I have new sneakers. 

Wow I really went on a rant here.  But I already feel better, my mind clearer and my emotions calmer.   I have my ITunes music playing in the back ground and I can feel my perceptions are much sharper, which is good because I have not even begun to get to comments and I simply gave up this morning trying to blog news.  I think I can do it now and bring my A game to the stage. 

Ok grand people, pull up a bit of that internet while we still have it, and lets talk.   Scotties coming back.   Hugs

Where Do The Children Play?

Filed under: Children, Dealing With Abuse, Family, Harm, My Life and Rants, Questions, Song — Scottie @ 12:49

It is a bad day

When the Children Cry

Filed under: Children, Dealing With Abuse, Family, Harm, My Life and Rants, Sex, Song — Scottie @ 12:38

A bad day

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